Reflecting

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I couldnt sleep in darn it! I was actually restless last night which isnt the norm for me. I woke up a lot, uncomfortable, changing positions.

Yesterday after work, I came home, layed down in my bed. Then got the kids up to go to the last night of VBS. I stopped by the video store on the way and go “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Under the Tuscan Sun” to chick flicks Ive been wanting to see for sometime. I picked up a soda, peanut MnMs and my plan was to go back home and veg out on the couch.

Well I called my gal pal D on the way taking the kids over, asked her about the new house she and her bf are painting. She was there and told me to stop by, Ive been driving down the street all week with no signs of their cars! So I said, “Which house? What color? Etc” so she told me and I find it! Its literally around the corner from the church and my old rental house.

So I drop the kids off and go and see the place. Sighhhh, once again, such torture for me the old home lover. Waaaaaaaaaaaa I love the character in these old places. Makes me want one!

So she gave me the tour. Then we all just sat and talked, she and her boyfriend and I. We talked about them eloping in the next few weeks, we talked about her ex husbands behavior, we talked about B and whats going on.

Her bf was all “Vicky? Has he always been this way? THat guy needs some help”

He asked me what is it about him I was attracted to, etc.

D was already trying to ask him about a Marine buddy of his to set me up with LOL!

Anyways, we just sat and talked and hung out, it was nice, I miss this type of stuff, just visiting with friends, hanging out. So it was just cool to be with them and I opened up about the issues with B as sometimes I just keep such things to myself.

So I had about 10 min to spare to get the kids, around the corner is my friend M. I havent really seen her for about a year since the last time I stopped by. For a recap. Ive known her since I was married to my ex, she signed up with me when I was in Multi Level Marketing, we started a friendship, she moved in closeby, my ex got her husband a job, where he got in accident 2 days later and sued the company( We were embarrassed for recommending the guy, and M was embarrassed her husband did this)

Hes one of those guys, I dont like, you just are in his presence and it feels awkward, Evil or something. Shes a christian girl with 2 kids shes homeschooling.

Ive shown up there with her crying and holding her nose saying he “Accidentally bumped her and she got a bloody nose” Ive talked to her enough times, I know hes abusive. Shes not happy with him but still hanging in there. So I drove by and she was outside on her phone so I turned around and went over. She was on the phone, she hung up, she was crying, I asked her if she was okay, she said it was her husband calling to say “Sorry”

Not sure what was up, but you got the idea its the same ole.

She was happy to see me, told me to get the kids and come back. So we came back, the kids all ran around, her son is now 7 and the boys all had a blast, she then invited us to Pizza Hut so we all went. We were out till almost 9:30 and then said goodbye and headed home. I really love that girl. Its just each time I visit her I leave my number and all that and tell her to come over and then I dont hear from her. And I hate being the person to pursue a friendship.

Long ago she and I used to take an evening out a week and go have pie at Marie Calendars and thats where we bonded a lot and got to know eachother.

So we shall see what happens, I might make a few tries at us hanging out this time if she doesnt call.

Well while I was visiting at D’s B called me. He was all “Oh okay, Ill let you go” and Click. No goodbye or anything. He didnt email me all day from work which is rare. And Im sure he feels awkward too, he wonders how pissed I am at him. I told him Id call him later. D said “Vicky, just ignore him”

I felt really good, being out, time with girlfriends and visits. I talked to both gal pals about church, both invited me to come with them Sunday.

SOOOO? Maybe I will attempt going to a church service tomm??!!

Say a prayer for me okay?

Im thinking of going with D and her boyfriend, the pastor there is my brothers old former pastor that married him and his now ex wife. Its the church I went to as a kid, but it split off and the pastor started this other one.

My Gym buddy called to check on me too!(not cute gym guy but my friend there) I was at D’s so couldnt really talk but I thanked him for calling me and for his concern, hes such a sweetheart.

So I did call B on my way home.

It was awkward, he told me “Your so quiet” I said “I cant do all the talking all the time”

I told him about a quiz I found online, I thought was interesting, on Empathy between a couple. But then you had to pay to take it, blehhhh

He asked me if I had plans this weekend, I said “Well kids and I are thinking of going to a silent movie sat night. He said “Oh what movie” I told him, but didnt say anything else. I didnt formally invite, ask him to come and so I will be curious how he is today. Its just really weird, I wanted to talk in depth last night, but it was late, I didnt think Id have the energy to engage plus I was tired.

Thank you C for your comment.

Part of me gets angry and thinks “B is bad!” or stuff like that. Then the other part calms down and says “Vicky, B and you are good friends, hes been good for a time in your life, but perhaps not the long haul. Perhaps its just as simple as you two not really being compatible as a couple for the long term”

And its not about not caring for him. I dont not want him in life at all.

Im just not ready to voice the words, I think Im more ready for a heart to heart with him about where we are coming from and are we really compatible.

There are differences always between people, but can I accept all of his into my life for me and my kids?

He laughed when I mentioned the empathy quiz.

I know he loves me

I just know he may be incapable of offering what I need.

Will see how my weekend goes!

I admit, I began to think about how scary it is to be alone, I mean thinking of spending night after night of no snuggling or a man next to me. yeah sounds silly, I love to snuggle, and I dont think even the thought of Cute Gym Guy for a backup is appealing cause Id have to fight off sexual advances.

I think with teh comment from B the other night, its just gradual chipping away, chipping away at my feelings of trust and intimacy with him, it makes me want to distance and not feel safe with sharing thoughts with him….

He had asked me about going out to dinner with his former teacher again and her hubby. I would love to go, I love that lady, shes the one who kicked his ass big time during our break up for how he was with me and my children.

So not sure if it will happen, or what will happen with us in the meantime,,,,

Just day by day…. focus on my life and getting it where I want to, girlfriends, and the thought of church tomm. Its been, ohhhh? I swear it must be around 2 yrs since Ive gone to a sunday church service.

Oh and I just had to write

As I drove the kids to my moms the other morning before work, my youngest was walking in her house behind me and said “You look cute Mom”

It was so sweet. When your kid pays you a compliment. I gave him a hug and said thank you and that that was very nice….:)