50 Shades of Grey

(warning there is some graphic content if your a minor or offended)

Since this book came out, I have cringed.

Women I am friends with online began to post how they loved it, publicly, some women Ive met via a Church group.

Then to see these same women thrilled to see its going to be made into a movie. Sighhhh

Yes I am a Christian. So most people just go “Oh hush, your closed minded and uptight and you dont know what you are talking about” well I beg to differ.

I did NOT grow up in a Christian home. I gave my life at age 16 as a teenage girl. My growing up wasnt perfect, but no ones is, but I would say my childhood was very “Leave it to Beaver” my parents gave me a small black and white tv as a kid in the 1970s. It was up in the closet so only they could turn it on and off. Nobody had a tv in their room back then! Later Dad got me a color tv. This was in the 1980s.

Something they say about Pornography, that the images get burned into your mind. How many things do we remember from the past? Sure we can tell stories and things, but if you were exposed to porn, can you still remember it? I CAN

I was exposed to cable tv via that television in my bedroom. The reason being was that the cable companies (HB0 and CINEMAX) would have “Free weekends” where they would run for just a wknd to try to get people to subscribe. My Mom was clueless what was on tv or the “Free preview channel”

And that is where it all started, as a girl, I was watching Porkys and Revenge of the Nerds, late at night the more seedy things came on Cinemax(as my hubby called it Skinamax) I can remember soft core porn movies and shows and being exposed to sex that way.

My Dad had a cable box upstairs in our house. It was not a locked room, Dad worked swing shift at times, my gfs and I would have sleepovers upstairs, and then we would watch the cable channels and giggle at what we saw.

This was all probably around Jr High age.

It became addictive, I wanted to sneak up there at night to see the shows and masturbate.

I was a good girl, didnt get in trouble, didnt smoke, didnt use drugs, had crushes on boys but never had a boyfriend really. My friends were pretty good too.

This sneaking to watch cable tv continued and was sort of like a binge drinker, sometimes sneaking upstairs to watch, but with time the material on tv became more graphic and the desire to see more had a grip on me. My parents had no idea.

I met my first husband at age 16. I was going to church then, learning about Christ, being taught the importance of being with a believer in life. I prayed, went to church with him, prayed at the end of our dates. I wanted to do this right! Well, it didnt go that way. Due to poor boundaries, lack of understanding, mentoring and my own selfish will and thinking I know it all as a teenager. I went down a path with him. He had his own exposure to porn and being molested by two males as a kid.

He would take me on “dates” with the intent to do sexual things with me. I was naive, yes I had seen things on tv, but I had never “done anything” with a person and of course the movies arent “reality” exactly. The first time he touched me was at my parents house and in the living room. When he left that night I cried and prayed and asked God for forgiveness, I confronted him on the phone later and wanted to break up. He apologized, said he was wrong, said it wouldnt happen again. And well, you all know how that goes, he was 19 yrs old, what do you think happened?

Our dating was wrought with me staying with him, for some reason I told myself that because I had already been involved sexually with him that I had joined myself to him and needed to be married to him. We went to Josh McDowells Why Wait and I remember them taking clay, red and blue, showing that as a man and woman, then mashing them together to show them becoming one, and then showing how when they are mixed together its hard to separate them again, pieces stay with them even if they separate, and then if you add others into it (more clay colors, meaning more sexual partners) all these pieces stick with you. You cannot undo that. So I didnt want to have my clay in mixed up pieces.

I thought because we went to church, because I prayed, because we worked with a christian organization as volunteers, it was going to be okay. But I carried guilt. I cried, I talked, hed agree with me, but the behavior didnt change, and I didnt get away from him either (once again I had very poor boundaries)

And by this point I was more sexually awake after being involved with this guy who says he loves me.

I even confessed one night to our leader of the organization and we had to resign, which was fine as I felt like hypocrite, my guy? He wasnt phased, he would have continued on the charade.

I could write our whole life history,, but we did end up getting married when I was 20 yrs old. After me sharing with a guy in our college group the struggle to be sexually pure, he told the pastor what I said, who in turn confronted my soon to be first husband and told him to either get out of the church or get married. We were married 6 mos later as a result of that.

I thought ALL WOULD be great and good! We were married now, its okay! No more guilt and shame before God. YAY!


I had no desire, I felt like an object. It wasnt comfortable, I would just be waiting for him to finish sex and not into it and angry and hurt.

I of course thought “God is punishing me for doing things before marriage” was my rationale. I began to pray, pray through sex with my husband for help and it actually improved, I was starting to enjoy sex.

Granted during our dating life we snuck into an adult book store and bought things, he was constantly trying things and pushing limits sexually, since he was my first partner, it was all I knew, it was “normal” to me. But sexual activity was about things and objects a lot of the time and pushing limits.

So during the time of prayer and healing sexually for me in our marriage, my ex husband was working as a youth pastor, we were very involved in our church and church family. I was raising 2 kids.

Yet! The internet came into our lives. Not by my choosing. He got a laptop from our pastor of all people for doing work on the church. I had no interest in it really. He would play on it. AOL was the big thing then, it was new, and before it was unlimited and you had a free trial then had to pay by the hour.

He introduced me to it, and we got into a christian chat room, I had my girlfriend over and we tried to match make her to a christian guy, they began to chat offline as a result but it didnt turn into anything.

My ex husband woke me up one night from a sleep saying “Im sorry, I had cyber sex” i looked up at him half asleep and confused, what the heck is that? I just said “Ok?” and he said “Im getting rid of aol, Im sorry” I said okay and went back to bed. I didnt even know what cyber sex was or what that even meant and to be honest I didnt question it either as I wasnt understanding of the internet then.

Besides he got rid of aol right? Well when you call to cancel, they offer you MORE free time, to try to make you stay. Or when you want to come back they will offer FREE time TRIAL.

So he didnt stay away…

I have no idea what he did, but Im sure it didnt stop..

Our life progressed, but a night out to a porn shop to buy a sex toy and a movie, watching a movie to get aroused for sex.

All of these things came into OUR lives, and marriage, myself included

Porn online, sexual conversations with others, cyber sex, phone sex with strangers, sending sexually teasing photos, web cams, exposing onself to others to masterbate together.
I remember being on ebay when it was new and women were selling “Used” underwear, with a story of what they did while wearing it. And making money off it, wow, easy money! I could do that?!

I didnt, because I did have the thought that all these pervs would have my address as they had to pay me and send me money.

We chatted with swingers couples online and even debated going to a swingers party one night(we never went but we were headed that direction towards the end of the marriage)

My ex husband was often rough in bed, inconsiderate, pushing me to do things I wasnt comfortable with, often inflicting pain that would stop me dead in my tracks in the middle of sex. He would apologize and always say “I cant help it, you turn me on so bad”

But I kept thinking of the scripture “The marriage bed is undefiled” which some people say that its for each couple to do what they want in their marriage bed and its okay before God in marriage.

Sex was not about kindness, making love, it became about how kinky can it get. Tie me up, ask me to urinate, take photographs, film…

Granted, I thought I was evolved, open minded, had a great sex life when I was in it!?

I really enjoyed reading graphic sexual stories for women. You can find those on the internet. I found them better then most porn movies, as they were written with more of a story and fantasy in mind. Many porn movies are geared towards men. And I enjoyed films where the woman was “Taken” against her will often or forced. Where the man was aggressive, not rape porn, but more that a man just came onto her with force and assurance and knew what to do. Stories could arouse me more, just reading some of it. When the words got harsh and graphic in a violent sense I wasnt interested, but it was erotic and mixed with nice words and sounded gentle and like the guy actually was loving while at the same time doing all of this? Well that was my kinda story!

When we separated, I was dating and talking to a guy on the phone, and shared with him some of the behavior, mainly my ex husband used to bite me so hard I would stop dead and have instant tears and had to tell him everytime we had sex “Please be careful, Im a woman”

The guy replied “Thats not normal” and I was like “it isnt?” and it was the first time I was challenged to think differently about all of this.

Granted, everyone will say “What is normal?” it varies of course for so many of us.

When I was with my second husband, he was not all over me. He didnt try to do things to me. I remember staying over and he just offered to sleep on the floor when I said no he just laid next to me. I was like “What the heck is wrong with this guy? Why isnt he all over me???” My ex husband saw a low cut shirt as me wanting sex and didnt care if I was sleeping or said no, he kept trying to pressure or wear me down even in the middle of the night.

This guy??? Nothing. He wanted to hang out with me. He kinda let me have the upper hand and dictate the pace of things.

I thought something was wrong with him! I remember us talking on the phone one night and he said “If I tried to do any of that or come onto you, you wouldnt have given me the time of day” hmmmmm… wow,,, yeah really he was right, I never saw it like that. I wouldnt have seen him as any different, but see I thought what he was doing was WRONG?

I had to tone down my life to be much more vanilla, I was exposed to a lot and used to a lot, that is not good. But it was normal to me.

I also got to find my assertive side, but also found out once again ugly porn had reared its head in my second husbands life, and past molestation abuse too.

We had talks about it, he watched porn where women were assertive and just came onto men and did all this stuff, so he liked that in a woman. So mix two people who want to be TAKEN by the other as what they have been shaped watching? Well it doesnt work out to well, you have to some altering of things in your lives and changing habits that feel awkward

Our brains get used to responding and knowing what we like, then when we try to change it, its foreign, its not sexy, its like fumbling and nervous, and it doesnt work out well at first.

We tried to do some of the porn thing. I had a love hate feeling about it. It worked for the moment, but then I hated it afterwards and wanted it in the trash or out of the house right after. And some porn is just so awful, it gets worse, instead of just a man and woman having sex, they have to add all these freak elements in that sometimes honestly are a turn off. But see people are watching so much porn now. Many need MORE to get them aroused, as its too boring for them and so they keep wanting more variety, pushing limits, things to excite as what once worked doesnt anymore.

I still struggled with wanting to view porn now and then. I remember the last time I watched, was in a hotel room on a trip by myself. And well, the options to watch were awful, and the one I selected was okay, but then in every scene the guy had to grab her by the throat tightly, that part did NOT turn me on and it was in every scene, then spitting on her face…

And this was what they put in nice hotels to choose from on their menu by the way.

Internet porn is another thing, thats easy and accessible and free. I began to read posts from the Pink Cross. And watch videos about those leaving porn. About the girls in the porn, my heart went out to them.

I just had a minor struggle with wanting to view it now and then, not too bad right???

Well one day she posted a video about a porn star Taryn Thomas, it was video of her filming a movie, it was graphic, she was being abused, and upset and it really just gave me a wake up call. We just see the edit versions of PORN.

We dont see these girls before, the out takes, what their lives are like, porn stars are actresses. They say and do what you want to see. THey want to be famous or make money. But they are somebodys daughter, mother, sister, partner, you name it.

Another big part about those in porn, is many do come from backgrounds of sexual abuse, molestation. They feel they now have control. In a sick way, acting out the very abuse they endured, but inflicting it upon others by acting or being a dominatrix. People dont see the full circle of it all. Thinking they have power and control now. Not healing from the past abuse, the hurts, and yes, being exposed to porn and molestation, people do have a lot of confusion, because it is arousing behavior, so what does a person as a child do when they felt turned on or aroused even though it was wrong? How does that shape them for the future? What kinda of therapy is there available to undo all of that?

Anyways, this is a graphic video. about behind the scenes of porn, its not the film that made me stop watching, but its close to it.

<a href=”http://vimeo.com/46011380″>Shocking Footage of Women Abused on the Porn Set (a California Workplace) from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/slubben”>Shelley Lubben on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo.


I have been porn free for over 5 or so years now. But you really have to be careful with the internet, there are days where you click on a page or a link or a video or a post and your like “Uh oh” as something else pops up.

I have to say, making love to one man, it not all being about what crazy things can you do and how far can you push the limits can be refreshing. At first it didnt seem that way. Its nice to know you can make love to that one person and them care for you and not want to hurt you.

Thanks to a friend for posting this today, it was “50 problems with Grey” written by a husband , I pulled a few points out that really stood out for me but you can read the full blog after

2. The way our brains operate, if you need pain to get sexually excited, that level of pain becomes normative and routine, so you have to increase the level of pain to get the same excitement. In a long-term, lifelong marital sexual relationship, that’s a problem.

3. When sex recreates past abuse instead of providing a healing alternative, it cements the soul in dysfunction rather than releasing the soul into healthy intimacy.

6. A woman who has been pleased and sexually served by her husband for many years doesn’t need handcuffs to surrender. Memories of past pleasure will hold her to that bed with a much greater force.


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