Deep Talk with Him

Dear Diary,

Morning. I feel a little a little bleh.

I had a talk with B last night, and ultimately I think it was a great conversation. But it also brought up sadness within me.

I basically opened up about my desire for female friendships, and the lack of time I have with him, and to find others to do things with, and how I have no prob finding guys to do stuff with, but women arent so easy.

I was afraid, afraid to share how I was feeling and all that, afraid of his words? responses? Fears of rejection? Fears of him getting angry?

I did break into tears at one point, I did shut down. He had said “Victoria, well then break up with me and find someone who can be there more” And thats where I shut down. He said “Listen, dont you stop talking now, we are opening up here, dont stop right here, what I said to you is an option, Im not saying its what I want or what you need to do, do I want that? NO.”

WHich resulted in me really having to listen to him. I started to cry, and it wasnt that I was upset at him or anything, in some ways it was like a break through moment for me with him perhaps? He said to me….

“Listen, I love you, if I didnt want to be with you we would have a talk about that, other then that, its ok to talk, to disagree, to have differences of opinion and viewpoints, its ok to argue, to get mad, but it doesnt mean that I dont love you and that we are over when something occurs”

He went on to say how I need to have more faith in what we have and that I dont seem too, which he is correct. He said “Heck even if I hung up the phone on you angry and didnt talk to you for a day because I am angry, doesnt mean that I dont love you Victoria, not that I do that type of thing and I think we are more mature then doing that type of thing, but its not to say it wont ever happen, but I want you to know I dont stop loving you.”

Ugh I feel like crying again just typing this…..

My eyes are all filling up with tears…

I was crying when he was saying all of this. WHY? Because I fear losing him, I fear it being over, I fear him getting angry at my statements and using them against me or not liking what I say and not wanting to be with me or being angry and shunning me.

Which ultimately is my leftover ex marriage baggage. Thats what clicked as he said it all. With my ex I coddled, sugar coated negative words, made them as easy to swallow as possible. If I did a wrong move, said a wrong thing? I was ignored, punished as I like to put it. Which sometimes resulted in days of being ignored or shunned.

I fear those same results, because its all Ive known.

And when B told me “I still love you despite what is going on” Well, it was those words UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I always craved and cried for to have with my ex but didnt feel I could have.

We also spoke about how different we are, due to how we were brought up. How we both thrive in what we know, which is 2 different places.

More was said, and well I guess Im still sad. But Im learning to work through things. I hold back at times with things to B, and he says to me “Just let them out” I say “Well sometimes Im not even sure what Im thinking or if its even good to say” Hes all “So what? Just BLEHHHHHH let it out, remember that Artists pages book? YOu just let it out, dont analyze it, thats where you make it difficult, just let it out and with time you will start to catch yourself and begin to process things quicker in your mind before they even come out”

I was telling him that I dont like some of the things I say, that at times Ive said or done things and I wish I hadnt. So he said “So what? If you hadnt said them, you would have suffered inside and I would have know idea whats going on, I may not get what is up with you but I can still sympathize that something is bugging you”

I had also told him just as much as he needs me to talk at times, that I sometimes need to just be held and allowed to cry and not speak. Just as much as he likes shooting straight and being forward, I need him to allow me time to cry, its how I deal, and I said “Let me cry, hold me, and then I will talk to you, deal?”

More was said, but not in the mood to type it all right now.

So Im gonna go for a bit, laters