Cried in the Tub

Dear Diary,

I wrote my entry then started a bath. I got in the tub and just started to cry. I began to write letters to B in my head of how much I love him but how this isnt working. A heartfelt type of talk and imagining us talking through this. Its like B has challanges, he has things to work through, he cant be what I need, and for him he has basic needs to take care of before he can even figure out how to be a partner. Yes I get hurt at times, yet I also understand. Its weird having a deep love for a person so much so to see that it may not work out between you and that person but the love is still there. Its a strange feeling.

But then maybe it will change? Who knows.

But i cried, I got out and then had to help my son read. I didnt really want to do homework, but Im a mother, I have too. So we got the reading done and my phone voice mail went off on my cell. To my delight! Im thinking either B or Music dude? I rush over and hear a area code I dont recognize. It was my former domestic violence leader dude. I called him Sunday finally (after over a month of not returning his call) He said he is out of state, and will be back the 18th this month.

I guess I was a bit dissapointed. That it wasnt a voice I was really looking forward to hearing from.

Thanks C for your letter. I agree with what you say. I know its easy to just read me for others and say “Break up with B, you deserve more, blah blah blah” I know this, but as we all know it isnt so easy to do things when you are in them, its easy to look on as an outsider. So I just will do things in the time frame I see fit, so if you cant stand my sadness and whining. Well maybe check back in a month and see where I am? : )~

I do love you all, and appreciate your feedback, so dont think Im bugged by it.

Later