Gym Release

Dear Diary,


Still feeling bleh, kinda lost I guess. Having things pour over and over in my mind. I cant wait to get over this hump, my work enthusiasm is low right now and I need to perk that back up.

I didnt hear from B yesterday. It was his first day of the new job and thought hed call to share about it, but didnt, so I called near 11pm. He was just busy messing with computer stuff and reminding me of how fixated he gets and its all he thinks about when he gets into it. Inside Im like “Yeah Im aware of this, I have been, I thought it was cute and gave you that space to go get fixated for awhile, but if we were living together would you just dissapear from my life and want to be left alone and hole up in a bedroom for days? Get mad if my kids bothered you? Would you neglect us? etc etc?” See where my mind goes???

He said the job was more challanging then he thought, a lot to learn, but a lot of room to grow, to get a permanent position, to make more money, benefits, move up in the company. So that part is wonderful, just have to see where he goes with it.

The couple he is renting from started fighting last night. Mind you they were down the hall with their door shut and B had his door shut and I COULD Hear her over the phone! B said they were fighting over some house loan money issues they are in the middle of dealing with. And he said the woman is very Vocal when she fights so this is how she is. I think this is what B meant when he said it wasnt a place hed think Id want my kids hanging around cause of the yelling? The little girl who is only 7 came to B’s door at 11pm just bugging him. Im like “Does she have school in the AM??” hes like yeah. So yeah its not a family home that is anything like mine.

Not saying they are terrible people. I met her friday night and talked a little bit and held her baby, and she is due in Nov with her 3rd child. She got pregnant right after having the last baby so she will have 2 tiny ones.

Music dude and I spoke briefly online yesterday. Monday he does accounting so its kinda hard to talk, then he was stuck there after hours. I asked him how his Sunday went with his daughter and he said his ex flaked and he didnt see her. Then said something about getting her last night and hed call me later. Never heard another word.

I get all insecure and crap and analyze everything and feel like he is upset at me or something or doesnt really care to get to know me anymore. Why do I do that?? I can hear my counselor saying “Think more highly of yourself, you are a wonderful person, and if someone doesnt want to get to know you or be your friend, then thats on them” and nothing like that has even happened!

Insecurity I guess? I mean the guy called me Monday night so he still wants to talk to me right?

I also have been thinking about sex the past few days. How if I were to be with someone else I dont want to jump right back into that area. How I want to develop more, spend time with them and all. Dont get me wrong, I like sex. But I guess with my ex it was the last connecting thing between us before the split, and I see how B and I have less and less we actually do together, but the sex is good.

I was up late the other night and some infomercial was on about love and relationships. Yeah its probably some corny BS stuff, but it did spark some interest in me, Im curious what it says. I just recall them saying something like “How men back in time did built things, palaces and things for women, and what was it that propelled men to die, build great things of beauty, etc for their women?” I cant say it like they did on the show, but I really wonder what her little reasoning behind it all was and how it applies to todays relationships.

If anyone knows the name of this course let me know, they have a website but I cant remember what it was called.

I thank God for the gym, I think its the thing im looking forward to most this week. Its the place I can go relax, yeah relax! Let off all the stress, let it go, go into a zone. Plus my gym buddy is always cool. He and I were talking and working out together and I just start laughing, and he is always pushing me to lift more weight. He does make the time more enjoyable and is a great encourager. But even when hes not there the gym is good for me. It helps me sleep better at night too, but I just leave feeling really good as if Ive left some of my burdens there.

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