Ask Me This Time

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Well B drove out AGAIN last night! I was shocked hed even want too.

My little one even said “Wow B, your here again???” and I laughed and B is all “Yeah crazy isnt it?” And little one said “Yeah thats weird!”

He laughs as do I at how perceptive youngest is, last year he said to me one night “Mom? Does B only come over when he gets lonely or what?”

Since he noticed he wasnt around much.

Well I went to counseling yesterday, I shared the confusion stuff and all with Gym Guy and Ex BF.

I talked about what Ive been learning.

So she asked me a few things like…

“How do you feel when you are with B now?” and I told her “Comfortable, not on edge of fearing his moods or responses any longer, it feels Normal”

She asked me things like “So what if you did decide to be with B again?”

And I told her yes I have thought about it, and this time if he were to revert back or any of that to the old ways, that I would be able to walk away easier, that I stayed too long before and I just dont want to deal with that again, I dont think I could. So she said “Okay so its not permanent, if you need to walk away you can”

Then she asked me how Id feel if I “lost” gym guy, Like if he didnt want to speak to me or any of that, how would I feel. I said “I could handle that, its B that I would have a difficult time over and regret losing”

So we discussed B’s changes, she asked if he was still in therapy, and I shared with her how hes coming over now, being there, being WONDERFUL as I put it.

I discussed the passion I feel with Gym Guy and she said “Do you think you can have that with B?”

I told her in a way and B even pointed this out, that Gym guy represents the bad boy stuff, and thats how B was, and now hes not, and do I really want B to become that again????

Just that Im adjusting to a different guy now, a more normal guy in how B has changed.

The therapist said “Vicky, I think you have just been hedging your bet with the Gym guy, you have doubts about B’s change lasting so you have been hanging onto gym guy in case he doesnt follow through so you have someone. But you also know that gym guy and you wouldnt really work out in the long run.”

And she said “Vicky, I think it will be easier for YOU to let gym guy go, then it will be for Gym Guy to let you go, and I think that is what your dealing with, hes not listening to you when you tell him you cannot give him what he wants, he keeps pressuring for more and the guilt tactics, well thats like your ex, and you dont need that.”

So I did not go to the gym after counseling, I just didnt want to see Gym Guy, Im did have the energy to stand up to him so I just avoided.

He hasnt called me either.

I basically need to state my intentions more clear and direct and be firm. And not sugar coat things or go back on my words, since I send double messages to the guy. Like I broke up the romantic aspect, and then I went and called him 2 weeks ago and we went out and I went back on that once again. So in a way I can understand that he wont take me serious since Ive changed my mind before. I have to be strong in that.

So anyways, B and I sat on the couch watching Friends. Kids were done with homework, Oldest looked better, hes on antibiotics also and you could tell they kicked in, his chin is still swollen and looks horrible but his mood was so much better.

I had talked to my ex husband quite a bit yesterday. About the oldest, and then last night we talked some.

He said things like…

“Vicky, Im taking a class, Im driving to LA twice a week, Im going to be an Inspector and make big $$$, Im sorry I havent been paying you and I said I would give you at least a couple hundred every other week and I havent kept that up and I know I hold no integrity with my word…..”

Yada yada yada words,

Then he said “DO you want a Jacuzzi?” and Im all ???????? And then hes like “I can get one really cheap” And Im all “I dont have money for something like that” ANd hes all “Well what if I gave it to you, since Im not paying you any $$$$” Im all “??????? Like that will help us? Why not sell it then if you can get one easily”

And then hes all trying to tell me he will give me things to sell on ebay, and I told him to do it himself and give me the $$$ that the time and labor it will take me to do it I dont have the time for.

Hes ordered to pay me $950 a month.

I got the most ever since the court order, $850, but that was in October.

Dec was the last time he gave me any money, the first week of Dec he gave me $100 and I havent recieved anything since. ANd no reimbursements for his half of medical expenses.

I was talking to ex about my counselor and he says “Vicky? You are still going to counseling????? WHY? We havent been together for several years now???”

Like I only go to counseling cause I was with him?????

SO he went on this speech of how he thinks we all have the answers inside and we dont need a counselor, that we know what we need to do but we just dont want to do it.

And then I discussed what a good counselor is. All our years in the church with pastors, people told us what to do. With a counselor they dont do that( at least a good one) They help you come to your own conclusions, they listen, they ask questions.

And my ex says “Vicky you know I used to tell people what to do!” I want to laugh at times, my ex says stuff like I have no idea, and Im all REALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Then hes all “How much do you tell someone about your past?” and saying how he was talking to this woman about a past relationship the other day on the phone and the woman said “I gotta go” and hung up while he was talking about another ex of his past.

My Ex if funny to listen to.

Hes very immature, he spouts off lots of ideas, thoughts, promises, but many dont follow through. I asked him if he was still moving. He said “Yeah I should be in the next week, Im just trying to get the cash together”

My Mom keeps going “We will see!”

As my ex has NEVER rented a place out himself and maintained payments. From the day we started dating he was put up by his Grandfather for free. Then I made sure we were taken care of, bills and rent paid, I moved us back into my old Babysitter/Nanny job when he quit his job and gave notice on our apartment.

We always had rent or mortgage paid on time when we were together. But it was because I made sure it was done. When we split up, he was living with a relative, then took a job that put him up in hotels with food and travel expenses. He came back, moved in with his cousin, that lasted about a month, then he moved in with the guy hes with now and has been with for a good while now.

I know my ex has done a lot of work on the guys house and Im sure hes not really paying him either, so he is doing it through labor. Where my ex’s money is going? I really have no idea.

He lost his truck, so he doesnt have those payments anymore, hes got an old beat up truck now.

So we just gabbed, Found out hes making $15 an hour, and he said “OH Vicky your making bank!” and iM all “No?? I make $10 an hour. I have to deal with all the same financial stuff as you” and hes all “Thats all you make?”

Idiot,, he talks at me like Im rich, he talks to me like I have it all. Granted Im better off then he is because Im wiser with what I do have, but Im by no means “Making Bank” if I didnt have this house, I wouldnt be doing this well, Its the house that is my saving grace. I couldnt rent a 2 bedroom apartment in town for this price, it would about $300 more a month to get a basic apartment. When I already have a 4 bedroom house.

Thank the Lord you know? How some things happened. Getting the house even though I didnt want to because the marriage was shakey. Getting the job 3 mos before we separated.

Just things fell into place.

Then the afterschool grant funded program so I no longer had to pay and figure out child care expenses or adjust work hours.

Lots of blessings!

B and I laid around, we talked for a bit, watched a little tv, and well…. 🙂

Im so tired, lol, the guy has his drive back, hes taking a herbal supplement now and damn you notice a difference!

Im thinking we will get back together, but HOW? or When? Im not sure…

I sorta in a way would like him to formally ask me ya know?