Tension Buildup

Dear Diary,

I had written half an entry yesterday when POOF then computer snapped off.

Hate it when that type of thing happens.

Im doing okay today.

Ive been super stressed, my oldest has had this pimple on his chin, it was there for days and he wouldnt do anything about it, it was all gross and red and tight and he was super sensitive about it and Im like “Okay kiddo, this is enough” and had him get a warm rag and put it on it, well it popped without hardly being touched. But he screamed bloody murder and freaked out and wouldnt let me touch it again, yet he wouldnt do it himself. So I put some medicine on it, it looked better, he went to school next day, ,,, ummm well came home 2 days ago and its swollen, red, its to the side, and I know theres more in it, and it, and the kid just needs to pop it (hes 9 by the way)

But hes so freaking sensitive about it, he screams, hyperventilates, even said he wished he was dead.

Its been nerve racking. I even kept him home from school yesterday to take him to the Dr, the damn thing could be over with if he would just suffer for a few seconds to get everything out, the thing needs to drain(Yes I know this is gross)

But instead he will just suffer, and the Dr said that the first hole drained but another was starting and until it has a head they cant do anything either, and he said “It would be preferable he did this at home” Which I totally agreed, but told the dr my kid wont even let me touch him. He hits me and pulls away.

Its been freaking stressful, seriously, Ive watched him for days with a swollen chin, and its in a place where it hurts when he opens his jaw wide so he eats slow and talks funny. And he doesnt sleep well at night because it hurts if he turns on his stomach or sides, he has to be on his back. So today hes at school, Im so frustrated with him, he looks horrid, his chin looks like Jay Leno(and Im not kidding!) and I wrote a note to tell the teacher whats up and theres nothing I can do but I cant have him sitting at home, I cant miss work again over this.

I called his Dad today, no call back yet, I hope he returns the call. Let him deal with him, I dont want to pay to take him into the dr again, the going in yesterday was a waste of time and money to be honest.

And its their Dads weekend to see them so he will be getting them friday.

Then my youngest was just a total back talker yesterday. I spanked him and was getting so furious, here Im dealing with homework time, missed half my work day cause of the dr appt, my oldest walking around whimpering of the pain, im tired, and I was literally shaking. I went into my office, B was going to come out so wouldnt see him for another hour or so. Music Dude was online and he told me to go and have a drink. I was just wanting to wail on my kids, I had no tolerance for either of them.

So I had one SMirnoff in my fridge, its been there for Months, so I cracked it open and just talked to Music dude and calmed down.

I then took a bath, B then arrived and by this time the house had calmed down, kids were on the couch watching tv, it was almost bedtime, and I was relaxed.

I went into the gym earlier yesterday, before noon. I took oldest to dr, then took him to my Moms so I could work the rest of the day but hit the gym before hand.

Gym guy asked to come over I said No. Ive turned him down twice.

He didnt call me back yesterday night.

I had a big talk with Music dude last night online. He thinks B and I should give it a go, that to find a person who is sincerely making efforts like he is is rare, and we were discussing how I know Gym Guy and I would not make it, I know this, and on and on and on. I said “So whats the worst that can happen? I give this thing with B a chance? And if he reverts, I walk out the door, I dont hang around again like in the past and hope and wait.”

Music dude was all “Yeah Victoria, you two love eachother, I know it”

Anyways, B and I laid on my bed and red the book and did the questionire section on our past significant relationships. I was doing it on the ex husband since Im not to do the current partner with the questions until last.

So B picked out his most significant relationship outside of me. And we did the questions that way.

We probably did this for an hour, just sharing stories and experiences.

I wanted to sleep with B. He was here all last weekend and we had sex the first night he was over, but my mind was to swirling around Gym guy and I just didnt get as into it as usual and then I didnt want anything all weekend he was there.

Well we made up for that BIG TIME last night, I swear I had super stamina, And then here I was afterwards at midnight bouncing around the house and hungry and got us snacks to eat, meanwhile hes in the blissfull after fog, and Im all goofy like I could run a marathon.

We finally went to sleep, and alarm went off at 4am, he said screw it, and said he was staying and going into work late, so he went back to sleep with me until we got up about 7:15 am and he was off when I left for work.

I have counseling today, and then will cram in quick gym, so this will probably be the one day I see Cute Gym Guy, sighhhh, Im not sure how its gonna go.

I am sorta not wanting to see him. I cant deal, I feel bad but I cant keep this up. We both know in a way we are bad for one another, at least in this way. He wants a commitment from me, and Ive been up front I cant give that, and I try to maintain a casual level with him and he tries to get me to commit, and its just gonna be a train wreck if we keep this up. Which is what makes it so passionate between us because of the drama aspects and all. And then here I go just repeating starting out some relationship with a guy not in a healthy way.