Weakness

Dear Diary,

I feel icky. Im reading more of my book and I just read things and they just hit me. I have to close the book, sometimes I just want to cry.

Im facing a different part of myself, one that I hadnt ever really looked at before.

Its tough.

Im in this internal battle all during the day.

Like the gym. I want to go, I want to go and just work out, Granted I like to see Cute Gym guy, but I also dont want to deal with him. I dont want to feel pressure or be put on the spot or asked if we can get together. And then I dont want to deal with telling him “NO” if he does ask, and I dont want to deal with his pouty walk off looks and expressions.

Then this other part of me just thinks of the rush I get seeing him, in the way he kisses me, in the way I know hes trouble. We both know it, he says Im Poison, and I say the same back. We both know we are messed up, yet we dont walk away. He tells me to “Cut him Loose” and I say I dont have him, he can cut himself loose. Yet then he will come and bring me something, such as that card??? Of how I make the skies blue again or whatever it said and it just hits me in the heart.

Its that stuff.

I feel at times like I just want to run away, run away from this town.

Cute Gym guy said his last 2 relationships(Moms of his kids) basically just stopped talking to him, went away.

Its difficult. Hes good at the Guilt thing, and I fall for it, and I hate it. Yet hes so damn drama irrisistably appealing. I want to be weak, and I want to be strong.

And each time Im weak I allow him more of an “IN” with me, and I feel I make more potential damage to restoring anything with B.

And theres my Sweet B, he has been so terribly sweet and understanding and there for me and making efforts.

And I just want to crawl into his arms and say “Okay Baby” and let us move forward. Then I dread being unfaithful, will I be able to quit the Gym Guy flirting game with danger?

I dont have time to go to the gym at a different time then him, Id have to change gyms, but then tell myself it might just be temporary, if I take off for a month or so and just work out at home, and go in on weekends when I can, let things be distanced for a bit then I will be able to handle seeing him, but then again who am I kidding? If I have feelings or an attraction, and he will jump on the vulnerability Ill be putty in his hands.

God I feel like such a mess.

Im weak, yes I admit it