Hearthache

Dear Diary,

My heart aches right now.

Im crying.

I didnt want to go into work today, I wanted to call in but made myself get out of bed, B called me at 7:30am.

Anyways, God I want to write an entry yet at the same time and finding it so difficult right now.

So much swimming through my head and all I want to do here at this very moment is cry and beat on B’c chest and tell him how hurt I am.

Im gone friday and hes masterbating, I leave for about 2 hours last night and hes masterbating ( I didnt know, now I do from checking his internet history)

And im just hurt over it, my girlfriend was here from NY, we all went to dinner, all of us, she and her boyfriend and B and I. She teaches Psyc classes and Human Sexuality and is very open and you can discuss so many things.

So at one point B made some comment about what a square Vicky is and if you ask her about drug experience she has none, yada yada and telling her how hes corrupted me, etc etc.

And it just felt weird, like he was cutting me down, and my girlfriend came back with praise about me, saying how she has always known I was a christian but that that I have always been about love and not judgement and that she has always admired that about me. She would just say such wonderful things.

She asked about my kids personalities and i start talking and B cuts in and its like his take is their negative attributes, and Im all kinda annoyed there also. Im a mom, I want to share about what I love and admire and what is unique about my kids, not their faults?

So we came back home to my house, she and her boyfriend met my kids, and we looked at old photos then I went to take her and her boyfriend back, B stayed with the kids. It was almost their bedtime and all so I thought hed just put them to bed, well it was 9pm when i drove them back, B called me a little after 10pm to see what was up and I said we were just hanging out and was that cool. He said yes.

So I stayed till 11:30. I drove home and called him and he was irritable,said “Why are you calling?” and just a grump which isnt the norm, we always call one another like that, he calls me more in that sense.

He told me to hang up as its raining and not safe to talk, which I was all????

Well now I know why, he was busy with the porn at the computer most likely when I called and had to get all cleaned up or off the computer, etc.

I came in and was all affectionate and kissing him and he was just so bleh, not cuddly much, just went to bed.

So yeah after I see today what he was doing. Im just growing so tired of this.

I sat with my girlfriend and her boyfriend and talked all about what is going as she talks about this stuff in her class.

She said that is wasnt my issue it was his, but she said he is NOT working on it, he is a brick wall, and it takes 2 and a lot of talking and if hes not talking, then?

She said her last boyfriend was the same way, sex once a month, rarely into oral sex, she was practically chasing him, etc. She said she still loves hima d hes a good looking man and all this stuff, but she couldnt take it anymore.

Im not good at keeping my mouth shut and yes I snooped at his internet history, but I have to remember Im not stupid either and have instincts that tell me things. And its important to listen to them. B is not a bad guy, but he is not able to meet my needs in some areas also.

I know I have not done things in the best ways in the past and know I have faced temptations and other men, and when I look at it all, it all comes down to I just want something from B and hes not stepping up, its things i want with him that he cannot give and Im starving. In his situation that is not the case. And its not that Im just a horndog or anything of that. Im a normal woman who wants to feel desired by her partner. And my girlfriend said she liked B, but she also said “You deserve to have that good sex life” and how important it is for me.

I feel like writing B a letter today just pouring my heart out. I dont know if I will….

But I have to do or say something, Im gonna either hav eto call it off or put it to him how this isnt working and SOMETHING has to be done. No more of this bullshit “Im working on it” answer…….

I need him to be honest and open up with me….