The Unavailable Crush

Dear Diary,

I got into work, checked my email and found one from my friend in the Middle East.

“Vicky,

Hey you. I was just thinking about you. I brought a pic of you with me (okay, kinda scary, but at least I have a beautiful face to look at now and then.) I hope you’re doing okay.

Anyway – I’m sort on time, thought I would send you a quick note.

Take care.”

Okay, can I just tell you how sweet and touching that was too me? This guy is off in the Middle East, carrying my photo around!

This is the guy Ive been friends with since 1997. The guy Ive met twice in person, but who writes me emails or has chats with me about once or twice a year online, and a phone call.

We both like one another. Our last time together we finally showed one another, but I knew and he knew, he was off again overseas under contract for several years still. Its too difficult to have a relationship. Hes not available to be there.

I feel partially guilty I guess? Because Im with B, yet have this man who cares about me, and I care about back. And I wonder “If he were back and able to see me, what would happen?”

He still has around 5 yrs or so left in his contract then he will retire. In his 30s!

He wrote that it was scary he carries my photo, I know because he tries not to get attached and close to people because its too difficult for him. Long ago in 97 I was urging him to date when he was in Cali for a brief period. He met a store clerk who gave him her phone number and he was too afraid to call. I urged him too(this was back when we were buddies online and I was married) He did call her and ended up dating this woman, fell in love with her, she had a child, she even moved in for his month stay. He then had to leave for work, hes all over the world. And well then the fighting, tears, her letters, not able to see him, reach him, she couldnt handle it, he said he also became a mess because all he wanted to do was come back and be with her which interferred with his job. Ive not heard him report of having a woman in his life since.

I got his photo, the nice one in uniform with him getting an award. I so badly want to put it in a frame at home to look at but then feel it would look odd and B would be like “Umm hello?”

I tell myself this is just a fantasy crush type thing. This guy isnt available to date and wont be for several years.

Yet he still holds a piece of my heart, and I know its the same for him. We have both confessed that and even said if we are both single when hes out, that we were both willing to try US out.

I always wonder what it will be like when that day comes? Where will I be? Will I still cling to that idea?

Do I sound like a nut?