He was Open

Dear Diary,

Well a little more thoughts on the B thing now. I went over there to talk to him. I guess some ways feeling I was going to have a “Lets not be exclusive or break up” or something talk.

But he was super friendly, nice, kind, open, listened to me, let me speak, agreed with what has occurred, stating to me he was aware I was acting different and things werent cool. I guess I wasnt expecting him to be so receptive? So I left there on very good terms. We both just cuddled up and were super lovey and affectionate. I got to see his new room at this place. I met the little girl he always tells me about. Hes all “Shes gonna be jealous with you here” haha cause she follows B everywhere and B claims nobody gives her much attention and he would always play with her a bit when he came over to hang out, so now she is totally thrilled he moved in.

I guess what I said was that Im trying to accept B the way he is. And he seems often content with the way our relationship has been. I said I go through periods of time he is just distant, I have no idea what is up, he goes introverted and then is moody with me in tone. I told him Im aware of his depression, and I really dont know how to talk to him, what to say. I want to be a support person but it seems he doesnt want to talk, hear, deal anything. So I said “Im at a loss here” I told him I feel at times like the situation is just “Commited sex” that he wants. I said I know that he loves me and cares for me. But I also said “Whatever way you grew up, related to your family, THATS DONE NOW B, Im not them and I dont interact that way, that is over, I dont work like they do so dont apply that to me” he agreed totally with everything. Hed just try to make goofy comments like “Yeah I know I can be a real poopyhead, just slap me upside the head and say Knock it off Bitch!” as he giggled. He tends to do that and I call him on it, shift into humor when Im talking with him. I said “where are we going?” I didnt see a future really, its just kinda there, and how is this supposed to go anywhere on these terms? And this isnt what I want. He then asked me “So how can WE change this?” I said “B, I have talked to you many times about this and shared my end. This is your stuff to take care of”

I told him how Ive started to accept hes just not always available to me and Ive begun to detach, and start to find things to do minus him because hes so hard to plan anything with, And that I just dont see things moving as bringing us together. But apart.

So I guess its another wait and see thing for me? I dont know. I told how i loved to see him happy and smile ( like he was yesterday ) That he is a different person and that is who I love being around. Not that a person always has to be that way, but I share half the time with his moody depressed side. The happy days pop out here and there. I told him he needs some help.

I told him I maybe a bit standoffish when he is nice. Because for one Im not used to it and Im wondering if its going to last? So I told him not to think I dont like him doing nice things if I act strange at first.

He said he wanted to take me out for my bday and has some presents for me. 🙂

So this AM my phone rang at 7am. I was dreading thinking maybe my ex? Who else would call at this time? It was B! He just wanted to tell me he is going to work today for 9 hours so he wont be around to call me or talk to me until tonight, since this was last minute and he wanted to tell, and told me he loves me.

🙂 That was nice.

I hate feeling this way. I feel a little skeptical, but its just the whole actions speak louder than words. And I guess I need to see it on a consistant basis. No more of this hit and miss stuff. He kept talking about me in a future sense, like we will grow old together yesterday. Its a bit awkward to hear.

We shall see eh?