What is It?

Dear Diary,

I found this on a site today and found it hit the nail on the head for what I am feeling about my ex and his return.

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker’s objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where he is living. His move into her neighborhood will be “justified” by him for some specious reason, but the reality is, he can’t let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, or on a walk. He is, in effect, pissing on her boundaries (something abusers have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin dating someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by her house, or park his car nearby.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable. He will make statements such as saying that he “bears her no ill-will”, etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries or her requests for him to stay away from her. The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her – he does care – about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.”

I am very sensitive today. Its just this whole issue. Its very unsettling for me. 🙁

I also spoke to B today. I told him to call me this AM when I kissed him goodbye and he was still in my bed and gonna go back to sleep. Well I never heard from him. Then about 2 oclock he said hello online. He didnt say much and I asked him what he was gonna do today? Since I had no idea when he was going home and figured he was just playing on my computer since he said he was checking mail. After talking a bit I said “Are you home or my house?” He said “Home” I was like “Oh? You never called or anything?”

I was kinda puzzled. He always calls me before heading out, hes even stopped by my work the last few times to hug me goodbye since the AM I leave in such a rush with the kids to school and work. Hes not working so he had no time to get home. So I said “You didnt call” He said “Was I supposed to?” I said “I asked you to call me” He replied “OH I was gonna call you tonight”

I said “Well it would have been nice, since I had no idea when you were going home just to let me know you were leaving Mr Vague” He said “Yeah thats me” I said something about just being courteous. Heck when Im at his place he asks me to stop by his work and say good bye on my way out too so its not some one sided issue here. So when I said the word courtesy he replied “Well I guess Im just fucken rude” I said “Listen dont give me that, Im just saying you would like the same. Im not asking for much other then a call saying “Hey Im heading out, love ya” and he said back “Hey, I left, Love ya”

I cannot even describe how irked I felt.

I sat silent for a bit. I didnt respond online, tears were in my eyes.

I couldnt stand it anymore. I just said “I need to tell you somethings” And I did. I did it in a very calm manner, and just said how I felt. That I dont mind him staying but he keeps me hanging each day, says hes going home, then doesnt, tells the kids hes going home the following day, then he doesnt, that I never have a gauge on how long hes going to be here, and today I had no idea if he was asleep in my bed all day or where he was since he never said anything about going home, and that I feel Its ok for me to ask that of him, to let me know.

I also told him about the Restaraunt incident in vegas and how he spoke to me and that it wasnt ok with me, And I also told him about my fears last night and crying and being afraid to come to him with that. He listened. He didnt say much other then sorry and ok.

Which is fine. I just needed to say those things. I dont know why I was carrying them around. I feel better, but then part of me feels like I just dumped on him and that wasnt fair? I get so confused at times on how to handle conflicts with all my self work Im doing. The whole taking responsibility for your own feelings stuff and I get confused on where to draw the lines.

Things about B scare me at times. And I dont know if its sensitivity right now? Or what it is.

No call from attny office today and they are closed now, BLAH!

By the way I wrote 2 other entries before this one, not sure if they will come up on previous day so go back in you missed them. 🙂