Any Good Men?

Dear Diary,

I watched several hours of Television last night. Didnt even bother with getting on the computer, that part of me is changing lately. So I was laying there and saw a long commercial trailer for Jennifer Lopez’s new film “Enough” it looks pretty good, but I found myself wanting to cry while watching it, listening to the words of the man who plays the husband, how familiar those words become to women in abusive relationships.

I then watched a Dateline special that was live finding of a body in Las Vegas, and the investigation, suspects, questioning process, it was all documented from start to finish. Was quite interesting. Sad thing was it was a young womans 74 year old Father who strangled her. He was sentenced to prison. The key evidence was a bite mark on his arm that matched her teeth and they found female DNA on it.

Then the “Living with the Enemy” program came on. Stories of abuse in marriages. The first one was quite intense since they interviewed the husband and wife. They were both cops, she was also a former Miss America Pageant contestant. And just listening to her stories, her fears of him, her words, and then to hear him flat out deny everything she ever said. But there was an episode where he showed up at her place after they were apart and she was sitting on her porch with a male friend. He proceeded to attack her friend and she called 911 screaming and crying. The police arrived. The friend of hers had a broken jaw and injuries. Her Ex said “Well you are failing to mention I was injured also” so they disclosed that info, He had a scratch on his ear! Duh, and the other man was hospitalized and the ex wife is screaming for him to stop on the 911 call. So he did get sentenced on 6 counts of domestic violence. But he still denied doing anything through the whole interview.

What is wrong with so many men today? It does freak me out. How my Ex can just continually act like an asshole, yet he cant take responsibility nor see a need for help for himself. Instead he is more bent on projecting a good image to everyone else, EXCEPT ME. Domestic Violence isnt just physical abuse. They said mainly its about CONTROL on the program last night, and its often Psychological.

So that is what is even tougher to deal with, I felt at times if he would just hit me I would have something to show, to say, to prove? Because with the psychological you start to feel like you are going crazy in your mind. You cant make sense of anything.

I was talking to boyfriend about the check thing. And its like how many times will he screw up writing me a check? Yet I see his payment to my work for the kids insurance and its perfectly written out? And why mail it to our old home address of 3 yrs ago? Is he doing this on purpose? Or is he that screwed up in the head? All his life he says “I have the worst luck on everything!” as his excuse. How many “Accidents” must i go thru? From the charges last year of over $1000 on our Visa Check card account that screwed me up, But it wasnt his fault, remember? From the Messed up health insurance and dental policy I kept calling on and had probs with early last year, once again, its his bad luck? He screwed up on one number on his SS# and that was the error. But he was the one who filled out the paperwork. Now we have “been switched” from the dental policy, but he is still on it? Yet he says his company is switching companies thats why we were removed? Makes no sense, if that were the case he wouldnt be on the policy himself. I could go on and on, this is what i deal with.

And these are things that started once we were apart. And then trying to find the boyfriend at his work saying “I wanted to see what he looks like” when he had already met him a few times several years ago. Going online in a public chat forum and asking him if hes gonna be a good father to his kids, saying to my youngest my automated voice message on my machine is my lover, sending me an email to my work saying “I pray god blesses you both” about the boyfriend. Mind you, he doesnt even know hes my boyfriend at this point, my kids dont see him at all. All because of my EX mainly. My fear of my Ex and wanting to get thru this legal crap as easily as I can. But yes I do have fears, after watching that show and reading some websites yesterday, Often times finding out the ex wife has a man in their life sets off anger in them. I seriously wish I could move and just have sole custody and he have visitations and I drop them off elsewhere so hes away from me. But then from what I read is they often shift the control and abuse to the children to get to you. 🙁 I pray this man gets some help.

I had a terrible dream last night. It was probably inspired by all the television I watched. But I dreamed one of my Exs family members who has always been nice to me, tried to sexually assault me in front of the children. I had to confront and tell him to get away from me, run into a building for help, hide the children since he did it in front of them. So I was dealing with children who were now fearful. I woke up and realized it was a dream. WHEW. But it was scary.

I guess Im questioning Men right now. How do you know a man is ok? That he wont treat you in such a manner? Now granted we are all imperfect and will hurt others, but I think there is a difference. Im not Mrs Perfect either, but I dont set out to hurt, I want to take responsibilty for my part of things, thats why Im in the group, thats why I sought counseling, thats why I write out my thoughts. Thats why I read books. But just so many of these stories last night were about strong successful women. One couple were both attorneys, and he beat her badly, yet she tried over and over again, took the Im sorrys, Ill go to counseling, Ill never do it again. Then they say they all saw warning signs early on. So I guess I wonder, do I have warning signs with my boyfriend? Are they enough for me to be concerned. I guess my honest answer if I look hard is yes. I know he loves me, but he told me the other day about how he was at the gym and some guy came up next to him to use the sink, when he was at it, and how boyfriend just was pissed and wanted to smash his face in. I guess I say its ok, because it was a thought in his head but he didnt act it out, but then again, if he has those types of thoughts, shouldnt someone seek help for such a rage or anger within them? I am not a road rage or a person who generally gets set off by such things. The only things that upset me I generally journal about, and I may type out some curse words. But thats the extent of what I go to.

So when do you know a man is ok? When do you know hes not? When do you allow room for mistakes and forgiveness?