I Cried in Bed with Him

Dear Diary,

I had a strange evening. Not anything totally terrible. But also at the same time not GREAT either. I just hung out at home as usual, talked to my girlfriend whos out visiting on the phone for an hour. And boyfriend arrived at about 10:30. He looked so nice, in a pair of khaki brown pants, and a blue and white checkered button down shirt, with a sleeveless tshirt underneath, and his Doc Martins. He came in and we just stood there in my room and hugged and he said how he missed me and kissed me. I knew he would be tired, and it was late so I just told him to get comfy. He first hugged me on the bed, then said he had something for me. He pulled a note out of his pocket, it was a sheet of paper front and back full. So I layed on my back in bed and read it. He started writing it about March 28th, during his work break time, sort of a diary type writing but to me. It was sweet, although I thought it was something a bit more personal, mainly was just stuff in his day talk. But it was still nice, I just would like some mooshy is all I guess.

We then snuggled up, I had the window open and a candle lit. I knew he would be all Mr Spunky since we hadnt seen one another in 2 weeks, and that was ok with me, yet at the same time Ive noticed my level of arousal the last few times Ive been with him is low. Its not like I masterbate alone, or have any other sexual outlets, and I only have it with him, yet Im not overly exciteable with him like I used to be. It takes some effort to get me going. So I guess Im just a little dissapointed in what he does for me, hes not one to do much touching in different ways, and Im so used to being with my Ex and we knew eachother inside and out and were both very experimental sexually together. Which boyfriend is open to it, I just feel strange at times playing “Teacher?” not sure if thats the appropriate word, but Im still showing him how and where to touch me, which isnt a bad thing, I think the difference now is Im with a “Taker” when I was married to a “Giver” so I got spoiled in many ways in that regard. I find myself now Giving a lot more, but I feel a little let down with what is reciprocated? I do love to make love to my boyfriend, its just other areas of touch that could be improved.

So basically we became intimate, and well he came fast, he was apologetic about it. Its no big deal Im not going to get mad at a man for it, its only frustrating if its all the time, but it happens. But at the same time I was so wound up myself and then it just flat out ended. And I guess in a way I didnt feel comfortable enough to ask him to help me along in other ways to finish the act? I guess I wanted him to offer? But he didnt, so we laid there in bed.

Before I knew hes talking about his gym workout, and my eyes filled with tears and he was spooning me, I was facing the wall away from him, I just felt this overwhelming need to CRY. He was busy talking and had no idea I was crying, I was quiet and didnt respond much so he finally said something about me not seeming interested in what he had to say. I sniffled and he noticed I wasnt alright, He asked me what was wrong? I said honestly “I dont really know” so he told me to come close and he held me. I just cried. He said “Darling its ok, you dont have to know, just let me hug you” so he did. I laid there and wondered in my head what was going on, why exactly was I crying? I couldnt exactly pin point it. And I guess I was still dealing with some residule feelings that he comes to see me for sex, but what else does he put effort into with me? Yet at the same time I do believe he loves me for more than sex, its confusing. I just need more is all, I need more than SEX and phone calls.

So he said after a bit of quiet laying there with me “You know its like I want to play 20 questions with you right now to see what is wrong” I said “Its not really one thing thats wrong hun, its just a bunch of little things, but I cant really figure out why Im so emotional right now” So he asked “Well did something set it off? Did I say something that triggered it?” I said “No, not really” So he asked me to share the little things, so I went for it.

I said ” I know you love me, but I cant help but at times you just want to see me for sex” he didnt get angry, he listened, and said “I love you and its not just sexual, I know our time is limited right now, and Im just so attracted to you I cant help myself at times, but I have been quiet and withdrawn lately, and I know that is hard on you”

I had said his little phrase that foreplay goes beyond just the sexual act, but its so much more then that. Time together, sharing, communication, closeness.

I think the other part of what I was feeling which I shared was Im tired. Im tired of being the PARENT, the RESPONSIBLE person, on and on. Im tired of holding it together, Im tired of taking care of everything, Im tired of worrying about me and my children and all the areas that requires, school, work, free time, relationships, bills, attorneys, ex, etc

So I said “Its like I just want to crumble and be taken care of, Im so tired of being strong” and he held me and told me it was ok to feel that way. I just started to bawl more and held onto him.

Yes, I will admit, I wish he could be more of a help to me. I want to be taken care of on some levels. I miss not having time to myself minus the children, I miss weekends of running off to do errands and having a partner at home and not having to worry about where to leave them, I hate the pressure of working when my children are sick and I have no partner back up to lean on and the strain it puts on me. Its truly hard being a single parent!

I was even for a brief moment missing the idea of my Ex. I say the Idea, because I truly dont want him back the way that he is or was. I just miss the idea of having a partner to share the load with. I miss I guess in my head what I would like to have in a partner in my own lil ideal happy land.

After we layed in bed for awhile, and he told me to just let it out and cry, I laughed and said “Or maybe my problem is I just need an orgasm” since that is his little phrase he says “Never underestimate the power of a good orgasm” I guess I was hoping he would take the subtle hint that I was still desiring something, but he didnt, he was exhausted and soon fell asleep, it was the first time since the first 2 mos together we didnt fall asleep at the same time. Normally we both just pass out. But I laid there and listened to him breath, part of me thought of getting out of bed and just going to cry in the other room. But I laid there and rubbed my forehead, I was getting a slight headache, which that happens when I cry for a bit. I was laying on my back and not up against him, shortly there after I pressed myself up against him, he held onto me and squeezed me, kissed my hand and I soon fell asleep.

I did wake up feeling totally better and not upset. He was a bit concerned about me, but I told him I loved him, and he told me “Thank you for sharing that with me last night” I said “Thank you?” He said “Yeah well I know these are things you deal with and its tough for you, so its important for me to know”

I then saw him off early to work, kissed him goodbye at the front door. When I got to work today he sent me an email…. Its in caps since hes on a work station and cant adjust it but writes in between free moments

“WELL i MADE IT TO WORK WITH 30 SECONDS TO SPARE.. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT i

COULD BE IN ***** FROM ***** IN AN HOUR =0). sHITTY THING IS I DIDNT EAT

SO IMMA HAVE TO SUFFER FOR A LIL WHILE, BUT ITS WORTH IT TO SEE YA SO =0).

SIDES I HAVE MY COFFEE MUG I CAN JUST DRINK TILL I CANT SEE STRAIGHT LOL.I HOPE

THAT YOU SLEPT WELL LAST NIGHT. i KNOW i JUST FELL ASLEEP HOLDING YOU, SORRY IF

i PASSED OUT TOO SOON ON YA. IT WAS REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. i MISSED

HOLDING YOU.

i DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY.i KNOW YOU ARE KINDA UPSET ABOUT SOME THINGS AND

LIFE IS KINDA ROUGH FOR BOTH OF US. i DO LOVE YOU AND i KNOW YOU LOVE ME SO i

KNOW THAT THINGS WILL BE OK.MUAH

TALK TO YA TONIGHT, THERE ARE BOXES A COMING….

lOVES YA LOTS AND LOTS”