Up and Down

Dear Diary,

Well Im going to try and write, not sure how far I will get as Im on call to do something at the moment waiting.

I dropped oldest off at school, it felt weird, not taking them both, youngest seeing his old school friends in the field playing. I go through this, I think its hard on me, he seemed okay, and I know I went through this when I had to switch him from his private school to the public school and he adapted just fine. I felt all bad and sad, Im very nostalgic and thats my deal, I felt weird taking him into the new classroom, I felt weird for him, Im sure he will be fine, but just changing his world like this, its not a bad change. But its change.

And you see, I havent had much change, okay, I have, I have had a load of changes since leaving my ex, but its like my path is going back up. Financially, relationship with B, my children, and it just literally freaks me out.

I felt all weird leaving the school, and then I went to the post office to mail something for work and She WIll Be Loved by Maroon 5 played and my eyes filled up with tears I felt like crying then and there.

I got out and cried in my Jeep and my eyes are still watering some at work. I have been trying to call the health center for counseling but the appt line is so busy Ive sat on hold twice, will try back later, want an ASAP appt.

My counselor hasnt seen me since taking youngest in, none of this was in teh works, life has totally changed. I need to go.

Its funny how there is the feel to jump ship and go back to life the way it was. Just sabotage all the good things I have out of damn fear of change and getting good things. Yes I feel as if I dont deserve them or Im not worthy of them also.

Now I am having that fun girly time of the month so Im sure that is not helping, but Im typically PMSy weepy and all that letting up to my period, but ya never know being a woman with hormones.

I had a good weekend, I was freaking a little on Saturday night, I was super in the mood to make love and wanting to be pawed at, like really bad and B was too tired, so I got out of bed frustrated and all that. I knew it wasnt the end of the world and he loved me as he held and kissed me and said hed come after me in the AM but his body was just shutting down.

Well that next morning he did make it up to me 🙂 and yes I started my period right after, so hes all “Umm yeah so that is what was up with you last night, you were just all over me and wanting it”

I tend to get that way right before it starts, funny eh.

Sunday we just hung out, went looking at Model Homes for fun again, went out to a Thai restaraunt for lunch, hit up a few stores, came home, cleaned up some, got the kids at Moms, then we all went to the park, B and I played Tennis! We bought rackets and balls, so we had a go at it, a lot more chasing balls was done then actual back and forth over the net tho! LOL and the kids then wanted to try and played a little with B, we got in just after 8:30, got kids in the tub, and off to bed, I worked on bills and paperwork, B came out and wanted to give his half, even though I planned to just make a big log end of the month of all the bills at once he wanted to pay me his half for what I did have already, which in a way I could use now as Im broke till Payday this Friday.

Its just wierd having money spent on me and helping me and my children.

We were just talking and he made some mention of next year buying a home in a nicer area, which kinda shocked me. Hes already thinking that? Like the homes we looked at, we went to a track we saw before and went back in his favorite model and he just loves the house.

Hes talking about how when he moves up again he will get more pay plus money per file done and how his income can really go up.

We gave eachother massages on the floor last night, I wish mine was longer tho! 🙂

Okay so Im mellowing out just writing some, it was just this weird overwhelming feeling this AM that hit me, the kind where I want to run home and crawl in bed.

Is this good? Is this bad? Am I putting myself into too much? Or am I pushing myself out of my comfort zone and that is good?

Its all just confusing you know, and being my head, the overthinker,,,

It will be okay

Lord help me to accept the changes, for the good that they are, and give me the strength not to crumble or self sabotage.