Fears & Sister Talk

Dear Diary,

I just spoke with my Middle Sissy.

Funny how shes been the supportive, encouraging one in this transition with B.

She said “I have been wondering how things were going” and so I told her, things were going good, but that Im freaking out, fears, and all that.

Shes all “Vicky, when I was dating my husband, it was the same way, I was ready to call it quits, had a serious talk about what I wanted for my future, I wanted to be married, have children, before when i spoke about it he used to say stuff like “Do we have to talk about that now? Cant we just enjoy things the way they are”

Shes all “He also totally surprised me. I also got a lot of warning and discouragment on us living together, my sponsor told me DONT YOU LET HIM MOVE IN!”

She said “You know what, it worked for us. And he surprised me, he started to embrace all the things I said I wanted and moved forward”

So she said her fear was more that she had been on her own and stood on her own and now was sharing her space. I told her my fear is more of “A back door out” like making commitments makes it harder for me to bolt.

And thats the old marriage baggage again, saying if a man does something I dont like, that I can easily just step out and not disrupt too much of my life. Now intermingling, home, finances, children, well thats COMMITTING.

And it also shows me how serious B is. And I just had so little faith in him prior to all this, I really didnt think this would happen, so thats a surprise and shock and adjustment in and of itself.

He got in late yesterday, he called me from his coworkers cell phone to tell me, which I greatly appreciated, instead of wondering where he was and our dinner plans(we had been emailing in the day about him possibly BBQing)

So even though he didnt have a cell phone he borrowed one to tell me, and I thanked him for that when he got in.

He laid down and talked with me last night in bed.

My sister was telling me, Yeah my husband took the week off from work and the kids just started back to school, so he was there to see them off for their first day which he hasnt done before, and I was on overload and ready for them to go back so I could just have some time alone for meltdown, now Im just irritable, Im irritable because hes here, I really just want to be alone and lose it and just have my time to decompress, and he hasnt done anything wrong, Im just pointing a finger with him here”

So she said she had a therapy appt, I said i needed to call mine, as so much has happened since I last went!

I just have so many schedules and appts going as of late, and with youngest starting private school next week my after work time for things will change, I will have till 5 instead of 6 to work out, do therapy, my appts, etc. And I have to pay for after school care there also. So I dont want to always use it.

My kids have been doing pretty good as of late, we have been doing a lot more talking, hanging out, laughing. 🙂

They go with their Dad today, my little one said last night “I dont know if I want to go with Dad this weekend” which was unusual, but hes going anyways. Oldest has a bday party sat at a Local Miniature Golf Park so hes excited as he had one last weekend too and so he has been dropped off by Dad and little one stays with Dad. So oldest has an invite for one tonite and tomm! Dang.

Im a little bummed these are falling on weekends I dont have them as Id like to go along, see the parents, but at least Dad is taking him.

Im excited for my kids, Im trying to get more focused on their education, and now getting my little ones dental/orthodontist issues underway, and that I have the ability and support from family and B to do these things is awesome, my Mom told me to call the orthodontist and see if there is a discount if the amount is paid in full and cash. So Im gathering she would pay then but who knows, she told me to ask. That would be awesome!

I have 2 credit cards to pay off, want to do that soon as they are each about $300 and then this shower job, and I have to pay around $450 this next week for little ones tuition, registration, books, etc.

Lots of costly things happening right now.

But they can be done.