Longing
When one sits there and observes others, they take in so much. As I stood around all the families this 4th. The fun and excitement, the young couples standing together affectionately. The girl standing behind her man with her arms around his chest. It makes me long deeply for that.
I begin to sit here and miss B. Yet its no different then being with him. Hes not available, so either being his girlfriend or not. I get the same result. I guess what I long for is what is not there.
I want it.
I have wandered out into the people twice today. I just stand there quietly to myself watching the children play, yet I have not found my niche in this group. These people who live in this nice family town of wealth. The atmosphere is different. I return back to the master bedroom of the house and open the wood slated doors covering the slider and lay across the comfy bed. Wishing this were my life. That I didnt have to return home, that this home became mine. Somehow closing my eyes and trying to escape into my fantasy for a few minutes.
Im acting pathetic sitting my a telephone again. Mr C said he would come by today between 1-5. I havent heard from him nor did he show, I cant reach him.
My Children on the other hand have been outdoors ALL DAY. They have been having a blast, they have been releasing water from the firehydrant, playing water balloon fights, a pinata, one of those jumper castles, food, right atcs and scooters, the kids all hooked up a wagon train to a moped all adorned in red white and blue flags. My oldest got his hair spray painted patriotic colors.
Mommy loves to be out there, but as far as my connection level goes, I dont feel out there with everyone, a few of the neighbor guys have made it a point to come to the door to ask me to come out. I did, yet then I wander alone, look at the couples together, and soon return back inside. I did play ping pong for awhile with my kids which was nice, but then they grew tired and went back to the jumper castle.
Tommorow we will go out for the day, beach? Mall? Not sure which yet.