Tears

Dear Diary,

Ok so Im writing a lot this weekend. I have been pretty down. Ive been incredibly tired. I sleep. I take naps I just lay in bed here and want to do nothing. I dont know whats up. Im depressed?

I feel like crying right now and just going home.

Mr C just called me after I wrote my last entry. He said he got called into a meeting for some work stuff and just got out. I said “So are we doing something or should I just make other plans?” He said “Umm yeah you probably should go make other plans” I was a bit diassapointed but then he said “I have something to tell you, Im not comfortable with the kid thing” Immediatly I had tears fill my eyes. Since when do my kids have to be a bad thing and the hindrance to my having people in my life??????????

He then went on to say “Listen I have done this before, this girl I was with and her son, we are all bonded now and I now realize Im not going to be in this kids life in the manner I thought and its really tough to deal with and Im not gonna do that again” I told him I understood. That Id prefer hed just be honest with me, not tell me he wants to go out with us today and just flake on me while Im waiting, and I told him I was also bothered about yesterday. If he has a change in what hes gonna do, fine, but at least drop me a line to tell me. He apologized and said thank you for putting me in my place and calling me on that, that wasnt cool.

He said “So what are your thoughts on this? I really like you, and I dont want our time together to just be after the kids go to bed at night, I want to take this slow and get to know you” I said that is fine, but also my kids are a part of my life, that I did the whole separate deal and then it became hard to integrate the kids because B knows me so much apart from then and thats not the reality of my life and B has a hard time adjusting to it.

I told Mr C I just want to have friends. I prefer my kids know people in my life on a friend level first, that I see it works well for them, then all of the sudden saying HEY this is my bofyriend/lover/partner or whatever it may be.I am not pushing my kids to go off and bond with him as Daddy. I just want someone I can do things with WITH my kids and accepts that.

So Mr C said “Ok lets all go out tommorow and do the friend things, Ill be there at 10:30 and we can all go to the beach ok?” I said “Ok and your sure? No flaking out on me?” He said nope.

So here I sit, I feel weird. I feel emotional. I feel so out there.

Part of me almost just wants to go home so as not to sit here another night, the aloneness I just want to cry, Im wiping back tears.

Anyone relate? I dont know whats going on? I think Im just afraid to totally be alone? Even though Im alone a lot of the time I always have a place to fall back with B. It may have not been the ideal relationship but he was there.

I dunno : (