Time with Him

Dear Diary,

::::Smiles:::

Hee Hee

Ok yeah Im in a good mood. I had a nice time with B.

He came out at about 4pm yesterday, and he and the kids and I headed to the store. I had to pick up a gift for Dads bday and a few things, run by the pet store, then by my parents, then take the kids to there evening church.

B went everywhere with us, The kids were once again talking a mile a minute and telling him all about what we did with Mr C. It was kinda weird for me but B has always been very open and all so he didnt seem phased to be honest? He didnt question anything, although the kids said “Hey B, Mr C is bald like you!” haha oh children and honesty, so B says “Hey guess what guys, there are lots of guys like me out there” 🙂

The kids were actually excited when I mentioned B was coming over, and my little one asked how soon we can go and swim over at B’s place.

They were quite hyper, my little one especially wants all the attention and kept butting in to our conversations. Once we got the kids to the church event I had to register them and I guess they were being all crazy in the hall, I couldnt find B? Only to look down the hall and see him down on his knee at their level having a talk with them. They were pulling on some streamers that were decorating the hall and a woman asked them to stop and they didnt, I was busy at the front desk, so B went and had a talk with them.

As we left B said “Victoria, they are good kids, they just have a problem with patience, they are very expulsive, they just let out whatever is on their minds and dont think first” so we talked about this on the drive to the grocery store. I am not a slacking disciplinarian. I grew up very respectful of people and places, and I feel I correct my kids and do discipline, but I said to B that it seems its worse when Im out with the 2 of them, they do things when Im at a register paying and occupied, and I cant do 3 things at once. And for as many times as I have disciplined them for their behavior, it hasnt stopped it so I dont know what to do next? B said ” I would have seen the back of my mothers hand for some of the things your kids say” and I told him how I grew up was very respectful also but I wasnt treated so severly as B was. I wasnt cussed at and smacked. So I guess Im puzzled as to why this is difficult for my children. I had shared with B that their father is very impulsive and doesnt respect boundaries, so he just does what he feels like and pushes it even when people are saying No. B said “well of course it impacts them, he has done them a great disservice by being that way as an example”

Well we then went to the store to buy Seafood. B was making dinner, 🙂 Salmon and Shrimp! Fresh! And he taught me how to cut and peel the shrimp. So we sat together in the kitchen talking and prepping food. It was different and nice since we havent done a lot of that sort of thing in all our time together. Mixed in between playful flirting and kisses.

We were starving and had the salmon and agreed to make the shrimp after getting the kids , since my kids love shrimp also. We sat and just kissed at the table, it was so nice,(Before I got the kids) Then we went over to the couch before we left and snuggled and kissed and talked. He said how he had planned to leave early Sunday morning to see me, that he new he screwed up and he was ready at 9am and walking out the door. He said then something stopped him, a voice saying “You fucked up, she hates you” and he said “I just felt so hopeless” and that he went and crawled into bed for 3 hours, then he signed online and saw my name on and thought shes home! You can get there in an hour! And he left. I had left about 30 min earlier.

He said “Victoria, I see that I have a hard time believing that people love me and want to be with me, I know it all goes back to my family and childhood and now this way I have lived is coming back to bite me in the ass” I said “B well at least you can recognize that this is what is occuring, but now is where you say, What am I going to do about this? Its time for this to change” He said ” I know, I am working on it, it may seem like nothing to you but the fact that I have been getting up every morning and making myself journal 3 pages, well it makes me put things out there Im thinking and forces me to look at them, see the reality of it all”

We then went to get the kids. They were running late so B and I had to wait. A woman invited me to this church and gave me a flyer of events and groups they have and said to us “We have a couples group, the children have a place to go and are taken care of and the adults get to have some time together” I looked at B and smiled, how we were referred to as a couple when they didnt really even know us or if we were. 🙂

We went and stood outside together, he had his arms wrapped around me.

We drove home, made the shrimp and we all LOVED IT! Then the kids camped out for a bit before bed to watch cartoons. I came back to find my little one snuggled up with his head on B. And later my oldest swapped places. They all seem so open to having a man around, And B and I displayed small amounts of affection for the first time last night in their presence.

Kids went to bed and B and I finished watching “Almost Famous” I was so tired and feel rundown as if Im catching a cold or something. But it was so nice to lay beside him on the couch and just feel his warm touch.

He handed me something from his backpack, he had printed out all of the Lyrics to the Tori Amos CD he made me. 🙂 He is such a beautiful looking man in my eyes. After the movie I just pressed my nose into the crook of his neck to smell him. We talked a little, I cried, just telling him that he keeps saying “I make you unhappy” I said “B, there are things that happen that I dont like, and I tell you, but you have to realize I see something in you, I do love you and I continue to be around you because I see what is there and what I do love, so you do make me happy” He said “Yeah sometimes it just doesnt feel that way when I hear you speak”

All I wanted to do was make love to that man and go to sleep, and well….

It was beautiful as it has always been, he left a note on my teddy bears lap, telling me “Victoria, Im not going anywhere, I know I have some issues, and Im going to get better, you will see”