My Trip

Dear Diary,

Well my mood is really sucky today. Not the way I wanted to start my entry after my time away.

But my ex is in Cali. I found out last night when the kids spoke to him. He told them hes trying to find a place in the neighboring town.

Last week when I mentioned to B that Ex said to the kids hes trying to move back B said “Well it wont be right away, it will take him time to move” I doubted that. So I walked in to my room while B was watching TV and I said “Ex is in Cali”

He is at his cousins right now. I just wanted to go outside and cry.

I dont expect everyone to understand my fears and concerns. But it is not a good feeling having him here for me AT ALL.

Yes its good for the kids and I if they have their father in their life more and see him more, yet at the same time, if he continues the way he has been, it can be VERY detrimental. Mom said to me last night on the phone “Victoria, hes not a changed person”

I just had tears fill my eyes. I really have no clue what is up. If he quit his job, got fired? Or if he is working for them out here? If its a vacation, a visit? Business? But all of the talk about finding a place and the last few calls leading up to this him telling the kids hes gonna move back out here and last week he told the kids to ask me if it was ok if he moved back. Then saying to my little one last night that he was gonna try to live in the neigboring town, well how else am I supposed to think?

I cannot tell you how many places my mind has went. All bad scenarious of course.

I just want to cry.

I wanted to just go out back last night in the dark and cry. I felt as if I was a bother if I would tell B how I felt. I shouldnt assume. But I kept it quiet, I cried lightly to myself as we laid on the bed watching tv.

Also I have been with B since last Wed eve. We got back from Vegas on Sat night. And he has stayed since. And I love the man,but I am ready for him to go home. He said a comment in bed last night about how many days we had been together and I said that was a record. He said “Yeah and now its gonna be the standard and Im gonna hear from you “Well you spent 5 days last time” I said “Do you really think I feel that way?” inside I didnt. Im actually feeling a little too close with his last few visits. Like its too much of him.

On Sunday I was irritable, it was actually a scary feeling inside for me, reminescent of marriage. B was lounging around watching tv most of the time, I have a lot of energy, I like to lounge around, but I got to sleep in every day of Vegas and we slept long, so I was well rested. And I just couldnt handle full days of TV watching. He played with the kids(Which they LOVED) wrestled a lot. I had to get on them though, and I at first was not thrilled they were wrestling and playing rough in the living room. I dont let the kids play on the couch and like that in the house. I used to get mad at their Dad for doing that, and I send them outside when the kids do that themselves. So B was playing with them and throwing them on the couch. At first I was annoyed but I said “Victoria lighten up, let them have some fun” Well later that day they broke a glass candle holder of mine. ANd I put a stop to the indoor play then. But later on they were play wrestling again, sigh.

And then B came in to eat, the kids of course were following him around everywhere begging him to play more. He said “Cmon guys its time to settle down before your mom gets more pissed off” It was just a weird moment. My little one didnt know what the term “Pissed off” meant. So I said “Angry” but it was just also a marriage reminder of Mommy being the bad guy, when these are MY house rules, and then to be pointed out that MOMMY will get mad by B as if he is ok with it. Its silly sounding maybe? I have just been in that role where my ex would say stuff like that and always point out that I was the one ruining the fun.

Overall it was good, the kids mobbed B all the time. He did quite well with them and he is teaching them how to play with limits. And they seem quite content with him around, they crawl up on him on the couch and snuggle up beside him next to me. B hasnt really become affectionate much with them. He allows there affections but he doesnt really show much back as far as a hug or something like that.

We took the kids to see Spy Kids also, we went to the fair last night and were going to see the Demolition Derby but found out it was too expensive. So neither of us could justify that price. I didnt think B would hang out on Labor Day, he talked often of going home when the kids asked so I just didnt think hed be around, but he was. But he started to complain at the fair. About the heat and us going early, at one point he was really pissing me off. I didnt make him go. And I am learning to stop trying to always accomodate him. If he doesnt like it, too bad, I did this for the kids and not him, he knew that and he said hed go last minute. So as he was griping at one point as we were walking around looking at the animals I said “You dont have to stay you know? You can go and sit down somewhere” He shut up from that point on. 🙂 I was kinda proud of myself for saying something. Just his mood was grumpy and I was getting tired of it and trying to think of the kids.

So hes at my house still in my bed. I would think he will go home today. We shall see. I need my alone time. B also made a few comments in Vegas about marriage. And he thought I said some comment about US getting married, when I was speaking of my friends Vegas wedding, and he got all serious and intent and said “You want to get married?” sorta hopeful sounding. I said “NOOOOOO”

B needs to figure out many things, and one is how to maintain a job and taking care of himself financially, get some footing. I thought for a second, imagined us being married. I would loose alimony ( like I get it anyways right? But I still can have recourse to get it back) and I would gain a partner who wouldnt be much of a contribution financially to my situation.

I have to think here. I have kids and I am a MOM. Just the equation doesnt compute at this time for B and I. I love being around B and spending time with him, but marriage, that is far from the picture with him still, and I wonder how he is feeling inside. I started fearing “What ifs?” like what if he proposed to me out of the blue, what would I say????

I also notice I dont know how to spend time with him very well. Around the house. I was feeling weird and didnt know what we could do. And him just on the couch watching TV. I was starting to get irritated by it. And its become a pattern with us to lay around and watch tv, which is fine for short periods, but for DAYS, BLEH!

Ok ok, so how was the trip? Well that part was nice. We drove out sat AM. Nice easy drive. We got to Vegas and then had to find the hotel. B had 2 free nights thanks to his part time job and he can get us free nites whenever we want to go. He said it was about 15 min off the strip so I was thinking some small little hotel and a little bummed not to be on the strip. But once we got to the place I was impressed! It was NICE! It had casinos, restaraunts, open aired center area with fountains and a laser show. All tree and woodsy like. The rooms were just as nice as rooms on the strip, maybe even a bit nicer! Huge bed. So it was a very nice place.

I have noticed my sexual drive has diminished lately. Since he has been spending more time around. I dont know why that is exactly. Its not that Im not sexual, just Im not iniating it like I used to. So we got to the room left our stuff then headed to Rio for the World Buffet, B wanted to take me there. Oh yummy! We had Mongolian BBQ. We were both starved, and oh my the desserts! Tiramisu and Chocolate Eclairs!!! oh those were good. I was happy and full. We then headed back to our hotel to relax awhile before going to meet friends.

B was all frisky and soon he had me in the same mood. It was really nice just being alone, no worries, no kids, no anything of my life, just an escape. We talked and snuggled up pressed close to eachother. We then went and met friends. It was funny when we pulled up. B dropped me off, and I thought they were going to be on the outside of the casino and there was this couple standing there, B is all, “Will you recognize them?” Im like YESSS! Ive seen enough pictures of her. Hes all “well I bet thats them” Im like NOOOO! Hes all maybe? And so Im staring at them. The girls hair looked to long, the guys hair was buzzed to short. They had similar build and were all huggy standing there and were the only couple, and I didnt think it was my friend, but since B was all Maybe it is? I asked, I felt like such a dork! It wasnt them! :)~

B had to go park then I finally went in the casino and there she was! haha I ran over and hugged her. I then had to watch for B. He was in quite a happy mood in Vegas. Very friendly and sociable. Talking to everyone, a lot actually. I have been seeing him so quiet and standoffish at events, so this was a change. He was very chatty. He said to me in the hotel room as we were snuggled up “Thank you for making me go to Vegas”

We both won money, and B was good about putting some profit in his pockets and walking away and I did the same. He came up to the 3 card poker and made $200 off a $5 bet. He got a straight flush! And it was his second bet and his first time trying the pay plus. So that was cool! He stopped playing then. :)He played some Craps also. I played 3 card poker and won about $130 total. I lost about $60 the following day on BlackJack and 3 Card poker. But we both went home with money, I didnt even think Id go home with a dime so it was a nice feeling. We had planned to go to a club one eve. I was all ready to on Thursday night and we were dressed for it but then B said he wasnt in the mood. I was a little bummed but said ok. Next night we just were both too tired for that so we went to our room. So no clubbing and dancing, next time perhaps.

We went to meet the wedding party and we all got in Limos. Our drive was really cool and telling us a lot of neat facts about the area and his life. We also met the cousins of the bride and they were really cool. We got up to the canyon and they had wild donkeys there! And one even came over to all of us. So that was really funny since I dont think any of us have ever seen Donkeys in the wild.

I took a lot of pictures on a disposable camera of the bride and groom and the scenery. So now I have to wait to develop them. I just didnt want to lug around my digital cam this trip and it had been so long since Id used a regular camera.

We all had champagne on the drive back and talked and heard stories. Then we went back to the hotel walking through the casino all of us. It was neat to see the people say congrats as the bride and groom went through the casino.We went to the Italian restaraunt. Things had been smooth between B and I. Only time he irked me was at the restaraunt. He wanted to get an appetizer. Asked if I wanted some and I said sure. I was only used to having this appetizer at a restaraunt he and I frequent in his town, but this one was done totally different when it arrived. Coated in tomatoes, Im not big on tomatoes unless they are all sun dried which was how I thought it would be and it was just gobs of them, so I scraped them off the top and B had a fit asking me what I was doing and looking at me all disgusted. Ugh. I felt like I was being scolded. So inside I thought to myself “Victoria, you are allowed to say NO, you are allowed to change your mind, if B doesnt like it, TOO BAD” So I just said “I thought it would be different then this” and turned to talk to the other friend who came out of the bride and tuned B out for awhile. He asked me if I wanted more a little bit later. I shook my head, He was all “are you sure?” I said YES and went back to talking, I replayed that scene back in my head later and wish I would have said “Please do not speak to me that way, I thought this appetizer was like what we had back home” and left it at that. But I still think I handled it well.

I talked to Brides friend for awhile, she has been through divorce and all of the similar things as myself, Down to what Im going through now. She said her and her ex are now on great terms and he sees the kids often(weird her ex lives where my ex is staying right now) Anyways she said “Oh NOOO! It wasnt always this was, the first 3 years it was horrible, I ended up getting him thrown in jail for not paying support, and that is I think what woke him up. It was really interesting to hear all her stories.

We were all going to the casino afterwards. Thats when I played a little Black Jack and lost $20 and quit. Haha I never really felt much of a buzz from the small drinks at the casinos, but I noticed I had a hard time counting my cards and I was really slow, so I was like what is up with me? haha Realizing by the second set of cards dealed it was the drinks.

B and I sat in the outdoor bar area of our hotel for happy hour, next to the fountain, and we had Sambuca. MY O MY! Is that stuff strong! Its like Black Licorice but its so potent you can feel it when you breath in your nostrils and makes your eyes sting and WOA going down! And they drop 3 coffee beans in it, and the bartender was telling us the story about the drink that the bartender would do it back in the Nazi Germany time. Something about if he dropped 2 or 3 beans in it they each meant something. I forget which was which but one meant to watch your back if their were German soldiers in the bar and what you say, the other signifying you could talk and the coast was clear. It sorta reminded me of the christians making the mark of the sign of the fish to signify to others they were also christians.

We had a really nice time laughing and talking and sitting close at that little outdoor bar.

B was also very nice with spending, he paid for all of our meals and the gas on the way home and the movies for the kids and I when we returned home. It was nice. I just generally try to pay for myself or pay for certain things since I know both our situations have been tight. But he was very nice to do that. I really liked that feeling. 🙂

So here we are back to our regular lives. B and I took the kids to the park last night, we were laying on a blanket and he said “I miss Vegas” he loved the gambling. He was having so much fun playing Craps.I told him we will have to plan another weekend get away soon and go.

The Vegas weekend was good, meeting great friends, the wedding was nice and so was the scenery, just sorta laid back and relaxed. B and I had some real nice bonding one on one time. I got plenty of sleep. So it was good.

My oldest missed me and was so glad I was home, my mom said he had cried on Saturday and when I got home he was in my bed watching tv with his stuffed animals and just hugged on me and said how much he missed me. A moment later he said “Mom where is B?” I said “In the living room” He jumped off the bed and I walk in to find my little one in his lap, and my oldest up on his shoulders. B was tired and exhausted, it was after 8pm and we just got in from the drive back from Vegas and the kids were swarming him. 🙂 I never know how to tell if he is ok, hes not complaining so I guess he doesnt mine their attention. I guess its just his lack of enthusiasm that throws me off, hes very unemotional at times. Its not a bad thing, hes different. I more of the smiling happy kissy type, B is like “Hey guys” and will just chill and sit together.

Well Ive written a lot, gonna take a break,