He Called Back

Dear Diary,

Yawnnn. I was up till 2am or so last night, Im tired.

I was online till about 1am, ready to log off and my sister logs on, so we got on the phone and talked for awhile.

I logged on last night near 10pm B was on but didnt message me, I logged off. Checked voice mail, nothing, I go to the bathroom and the phone rings. Its B, he said “So where were we?” and we just sat there in silence.

I said finally that I just felt I needed to get some stuff out, I wasnt attacking him. He then told me that in the past, when I say “We need to talk” I usually am so fatalistic, that its usually when I say we are done. So he felt like “Oh Shit, what did I do this time?” and all that. I told him yes I agree I have done that in the past and the therapist and I discussed this. And I dont want to keep responding that way, which is why I have been quiet a lot when Im upset, but Ive been going to the other extreme and not saying anything and that isnt good either.”

He said “Your so afraid of confrontation, of conflict, babe its gonna happen, we arent always gonna see things eye to eye, and thats okay, Im not always going to be smiling and happy sunshine, but it doesnt mean that I dont love you or dont want to be with you, its just the way life is”

It was still kinda awkward, but we did get stuff out and said. He needs some type of guage where I am before we have talks, like for me to say “Hey this isnt the end, or hey this is important but not a big big deal, or prep him somehow he said before hand. I told him what I want and expect, to be taken out now and then, how if he tells me something I want him to make good on it,,, and if hes unsure as to what I want then ASK. Theres just a lot of unspoken things and assumptions between us that are causing problems and needs to stop.

So things ended on a good but he was sleepy note.

I spoke to Gym Guy briefly, nothing really new to report.

I was up online after talking to B, Music Dude messaged me, we havent been talking like we used to and Ive kinda missed that, so I was all Hey! So hes telling me how much his life has changed, how busy, how much $$$ hes making, about the club, that he hung out with Oliver Stone last night, and hes hung out with Christina Applegate, and Carmen Electra and Dave Navaro.

He said women are just throwing themselves at him as if hes some rock star. I was laughing, I cant even imagine what its like now. He always wanted to be a club owner, hes worked in the biz for some time, when we first met online he was more into music production and his home studio and all, but it wasnt paying the bills, but he was very talented, but still working at night clubs, he finally left the really bad place where they treated him like crap, and now hes been on the upswing ever since, but he had told me like a year ago he wanted to own a club. And now he is. 🙂 Im happy for him.

Next thing you know Mr Comedy is messaging me, hes helping to PR work or something for some singer dude and telling me how he got the guy booked for Kiis FM and about a release party for his album and all and said B and I can come. I was all “Sorry week nights are out for me” And theres no way in hell B would want to go somewhere with Comedy dude anyways.

So it was weird being up late and talking to these 2 guys. Its like where I live and my life is a different place. Yet I get into bits and pieces of the hollywood world. I like it, yet I dont. I want to be in it, yet I dont.

So I guess I felt some strange longing last night after speaking to them, and I think of B’s words “Vicky Im a homebody if you havent noticed, I dont really want to go out much”

And how I can be that also, but I also love to go out too, I dont think Im unbalanced in that, but I also know myself, I like companionship, of the male gender, and its really hard to go out to clubs and things and deal with the opposite sex when you already have a partner. I remember when B and I broke up and we were talking one night late about all the things we hadnt done and I said “We havent gone out to a club and just made out there” and he seemed all interested in that.

I did tell him last night though that I can see him just being all stiff and saying “YOu wanted to go here, this is your deal” and he said I was probably right.

I said “You and I might not even have fun going out to a club together”

Hes passive, thats the thing, he gets in his moments at times, where he is social and he even admits to this and can be the life of the party. But the other part of him is afraid of big groups and social settings with crowds. It creates anxiety. The therapist found it interesting that B has done both, but then she said “Well from the way he says it it revolved around him getting drunk, so it wasnt really about socialization when he went out, so I can understand now why it might be uncomfortable for him” which I can see as true.

It was just nice, how free and easy it was at the club with Gym guy few weeks back. It wasnt stressful, he took me up, bought me a drink, we went and listened to the band, we are both kick back, light hearted people wanted a good time, but we arent super crazy, but we arent dull either.

We had a blast and danced and neither of us had done it in a long time, and we felt like fools yet didnt care, and Gym Guy doesnt even drink. So he needed none of that and had a blast with me.

It was funny since the therapist had said “But I thought Gym guy had some problems?” I said “Oh yeah, he does, the sexual thing, I cant deal with that. Its very frustrating, it just doesnt work right, and I dont want to deal with trying to HELP it work right, spending hours trying to help a person maintain and erection and all, ummm, it gets tiring, and I feel thats his deal to get help with, I cant play dr and test instrument while he tries to get it to work.

So I spoke with my sister. Her husband came home and has been there since. My sister checks his text messages at night when hes there and puts his phone on the charger, there were 2 from the girlfriend from Sunday after he left, and it sounded like break up talk, and just weird stuff.

She said hes home now, and he grumpy and irritable, but I guess after the girls spent the night at this other womans house, the teenager came home and has been giving my sister attitude since. Saying “Mom, Dad says you have no rights to me, Mom you know Dad is in the middle of trying to refinance the house so he can buy you out of it, Mom, Dad and I made a deal, he can have a girlfriend and I can have a boyfriend, maybe one day youll have a boyfriend too”

My sister said “Shes being a little witch, I dont fault her because its her fathers doing, but at the same time I dont have to put up with it. Husbands Dad told me to tell him next time he goes to his girlfriends to take the girls with him to spend the night.”

So there ya have it. She said his whole family is pissed off at him, that he can no longer dump the girls off on weekends with them like he had been, they all feel used and they all take issue with what he is doing.