Shut me Down

Dear Diary,

:::Sigh:::

I have to wait a couple hours to talk to B.

I went to counseling today and we discussed some of the issues Im feeling inside and basically my therapist had me go through a lot of scenarios and the problem is Im not communicating to B what I want or expect. Im trying to stand back since Ive told him so much in the past what I want, so I now sit back and see what he does, see if he makes good on things he says, see if he steps up.

He doesnt, and then I dont comment, I stay quiet and dont express how I feel. Which in turn I get angry. And the whole Gym Guy deal, we discussed how assertive he is, take charge, and just does things, and she can see why that was appealing to me.

So she then asked about scenarios where I tell B something that is bothering me or what have you and how they usually do get worked out and go well.

So we agreed I need to get this stuff out, talk to him. See how he takes it, if it goes poorly, well that will tell me what Im dealing with, I have to give him the chance to respond and all and talk it over with me. And I know we have a problem, not just myself, with not speaking things and being clear but assuming what the other is feeling or thinking without just asking.

So I got online when I got home, B and I talked about our days, then I talked about counseling and that I needed to discuss some stuff with him that I have not been saying, and when is a good time. He told me “Go for it” So I said Id call him. So I just did.

I just put out a simple scenario of going out in Tenn, How he said wed go to little clubs, go out on an evening and we never did. That I was waiting to see if hed do what he said. And I didnt speak up and say “Hey are we gonna go to such and such?” So I didnt speak up, yet he put something out there and didnt do it either. I told him its on both our ends.

I went through other examples where we run into this. He said I didnt respond to it, then he said “If you havent noticed, Im a homebody, I gravitate towards doing things at home” I said “Yes but then dont put ideas like nights out at clubs to me then” Hes all “Well I would go but I feel like you dont want to and Id be dragging you”

I said “No”

Anyways,,, he just sat there and said nothing else, told me he felt like I was attacking him and he had to “Ponder” what I was saying and just sat there. I said “Are you upset?” He said “Yes” I said “Why?” He said “Why shouldnt I be?”

I said “Look I wasnt attacking or trying to cause something, I just felt this stuff needed to come out, its going on in lots of areas between us. Nothing is said, Ideas are put out but theres no method of how we will execute them, then both of us assumes in our heads and its not put on the table. I used to do that often, and now Im in a place where I just stand back and see what you will do.

He said “Can I talk to you in like 2 to 3 hours? I need to eat something and I cant deal with this shit right now, I worked a 10 hr day……”

I said “Hey, your the one who told me to talk to you know, I asked first when was a good time”

I said Okay and he hung up, no bye or love you. He is angry right now I can tell.

SOOOOOOO, I wait now.

Fucking sucks, I wouldnt have started if he would have just said can we talk later on. But he told me to go for it.

BLECH

So fun fun fun, I get to wait a few hours, and I wonder if he will even come back to talk to me. Hate to admit it but I dont think he will. Dont know.

🙁

But the night isnt over, He asked for a few hours, sooo

I think when I was talking to the therapist asking her why things arent totally cool with B, why the interest in Gym Guy, and it just came down to the fact that B is very Passive, so “I dont care” about things, and the time he wasnt? Was when we were broken up. He called, he said he was coming over, he called during work, he made plans and asked me things. Now hes back to just riding along and being passive and “there”

Thats why when Gym Guy says things like “So Come over” I like that, I feel wanted and desired.

Thats why when he says “I got something for you” or “I want to go to this store, come with me” and all that Im drawn to it.

I need B to know I need him to speak up.

Im trying to communicate here, soooo,,, I get nervous fearing the reaction, what if it goes poorly? But then that is why I need to express myself, without seeing his reaction I dont give him opportunity to respond and I dont allow myself to see how he will respond. If its good, GREAT! If its poor, well then it will show me how hes willing to work in the relationship.

Man it sucks waiting though, I hate that I got started and he just shut me down like that.