Hurts Badly

I keep crying off and on.

Im afraid to go to bed. I though I would pass out.

Im afraid to go and sit there alone with myself and my thoughts in my bed.

Its one of those nights I wish I could be held just like a baby and rocked to sleep, someone rubbing hair back behind my ears, comforting me.

Yes I know God is out there, and I am to let him be that comfort.

But it is still nothing like actual human caring contact.

I havent hurt this bad in some time. Maybe its part of what Lisa said, the grieving process, another step?

Why do I hurt this bad? Im moving on with my life, yet at times these emotional stops are just so painful.

I feel so alone tonight. I feel so empty. I feel like everyone around me is shallow or has no real grasp on things, I know this isnt everyone, but I guess those are close at the moment.

I just want to be held and loved and told it will all be ok, kinda like a little girl, when Mom would hold me, and I could fall asleep with her comfort.

I know this will pass, as do many things, but I do hate this pain.

I feel so distrustful. I distrust new people online, feeling that somehow everyone is connected to my ex or some imposter. Im afraid in my diary that they will find me. Im afraid in my real world people will mess with my life.

I hate living where I live today. I hate the damn church I was in and the people that were a part of it and that my ex still returns there. Its his one place he can go and continue being his old self and trash talk me.

I hate that this woman he is seeing , her Aunt lives right up the street, and tonight as I drove by the stings hurt once again. How I remember driving past this woman this last year on the road by my house. That she probably travels it all the time to see her Aunt.

I just want out of this circle. I just want to hide away. I dont want all these reminders, all these triggers. Its hurt so badly.