Approaching Weekend

Dear Diary,

Well Im all peeling all over my face, icky. Forget trying to apply makeup today Im all like a shedding snake.

Had meeting yesterday at new attny office. My old one still had no sent my file over! So I said I would drive over myself and get it. So basically the girl who went over my file was baffled by what has transpired with my case. Basically not much has been done properly or in correct order, etc. She told me that thursdays court hearing probably wont even cover much since they dont have the time and some of the items have to go to trial.

She just told me not to worry about the IN Law, I dont have to take her calls, she has no rights and that the Grandparents rights law was done away with last year. And that if any charges are ever brought up about the children that my ex would be the one to have to do it in this divorce proceeding not the in law.

She said “well why is his mom calling the kids in your home? Why not just call when they are with their father?” which is the same thing Im thinking? Its just all silly. She said, “Leave that to his time with them the phone calls, you dont have to speak to her or have the kids do so”

She assured me I wouldnt loose the house. And she said that this attorney and Ex’s attorney have a Love/Love relationship and get along well in discussing peoples cases. I sure hope this is true and we can get things settled.

Ex just wrote me an email, ugh lets see his reponse I should get it shortly, and I guess Im always on the guard for him being so defensive and expect a email like that back, we shall see.

I went to group yesterday. We discussed our 4th of July, and I had to share. I said how it was nice to get away, but I found I have a hard time being alone with myself, not having a partner in such situations. So we of course had a big talk on loving yourself and how having a partner does not make one Whole, all that stuff I can say but as I said “So how do I change that?” Im aware of this, but how do I stop feeling this way? And she was saying how a partner is a wonderful addition to ones life, the icing on the cake, but you can still have the cake with yourself, or have girlfriends around. And she discussed finding things that “Make my heart sing” whatever things really bring me joy, start putting those things in my life. So it gave me a lot to think about.

B is coming out tonight, Im taking him to dinner for his birthday. Hes quite happy about this. Hes also Mr Spunky sexually too. Just making a lot of innuendos about how much he loves to make love to me.

Mr C took pics of my kids that day at the beach and emailed them to me yesterday. They came out great! He also asked me out to lunch if he could come and take me but I told him I couldnt during work, Im not in that type of work environment. I get a little nervous, yet flattered? Im not used to this. He wants to DRIVE out to see me and he lives farther away from me then B does. About and hour and a half drive. He told me he missed me. That he was glad to be a part of my vacation. I told him it looks like I will have a partially free weekend since ex will have the kids. And Mr C said he would love to take me out, he can come up here, I can go down there, we can go to some clubs, we can go dancing, we can do whatever I like, then he says “Or we can just make a getaway out of it” Get a hotel somewhere, just take off.

AND IM FREAKIN NERVOUS!

I sat there in shock as he was saying these things, its all Ive wanted, its been so long since Ive had a guy make plans and just take the lead. So it was almost scary. I didnt set any plans yet but said yes it sounds fun. Im sure we will do something, but I guess I have to figure out what terms I want this on. And I need to set up my boundaries of what I will and wont do ( we discussed this in group, about how we feel when a guy does nice stuff for us and spends money we feel obligated in some ways, when we were told we dont owe anybody anything and if they have a problem with that, it is THEIR problem) But this falls back on me. I dont want to sleep and be sexually involved with Mr C at this point in things, we have been intimate, and I know I say these words, but when Im there in the moment it all goes out the window. But I know I am not emotionally ready for that aspect with him. It scares me, and I need to handle this better and not put myself in a position to compromise it. So Im wondering if maybe I should plan a day with him out, no sleep over time? Or do I just make it known up front no sex and all that and have a talk with him? Hes not hard to talk to actually. And hes quite understanding. I just know myself.

But I would love to go out with him, I think we would have a blast together.