Early AM Stressing

Dear Diary,

Morning. And Im talking EARLY morning, I got up when B left around 5 or so. My mind was spinning again. I couldnt relax and go back to sleep.

And its all over my job.

I hurt my back yesterday, well strained it, Im angry and resentful of what Im doing lifting crap, and I just need to make a stand about it. I talked to my Mom about it and she said “Well you are going to have to upset someone” which I guess I like to try and avoid. But I have to do it, I have to take care of me, and my mom said to say “Im physically unable to do this” because if I dont she will keep giving me this stuff to do. I guess where I start to feel all like a retard is because she does the same work, and she really shouldnt, but that is not my problem. I have to stand up and look out for me, which puts it back on her, sure she will probably get mad, but that is her own anger that she is doing it and she is not making a stand to the boss over it or for herself. Someone else needs to be hired to do this with more physical strength.

I just dread this stuff, I dread making ripples, but I know that ripples are not always bad, and this is really a lesson for MYSELF.

About standing up for me and saying NO. Even if I am going against the norm,

DAmn fucking fear, yeah this may sound so easy for another person to read but the thought of speaking up and how I will do it terrifies me, I lay there and dwell over what I will say, how I will say it.

Change cannot happen if someone does not speak up right?

You know I have imagined the lady saying “Well it hurts me too” and my response to her I would like to say is “Yes, and you should not be doing this either, the boss needs to hire somebody with the physical strength to do this job” and leave it at that, not let myself be the escape goat.

Like I said, its been an issue before I have even been doing this as others have been hired to do this job.

Enough is enough already.

I read a lot of my book yesterday “The Mastery Of Love” the chapters have been awesome and helpful.

Last night I was reading in bed, B was on the computer, my oldest grabbed his Harry Potter book and said “Mom can I read with you?” and got up in the bed reading his book next to me, hed laugh while reading something and want to share it with me, it was cute.

Im so proud of that kid.

Little one and I were discussing smoking yesterday, he is 8 and he seems to think he knows everything and says his answers to things that just fly off the the top of his head and he has no idea what hes talking about, which we have to correct him often and say NOO, thats not what that is or how that works, etc etc.

He fights me on instructions on homework assignments! Swearing its not done the way I say(hes wrong) and Im literally having to tell h im to be quiet and that YES what I said is correct.

So with his usual conversations we were discussing smoking, he proceeded to tell me that his Aunt only smokes one cigarette a day(My sister) and that its not bad. And that his Dad does not smoke when hes up at camp and he doesnt drink up there either. I said “Hun, your Aunt smokes MANY a day, she doesnt like it, she wants to quit” I was telling him about smoking as he knows its not good for you but he is confused when grown ups are doing things hes taught are not good for you, he believes that they must be doing it differently because these are people he loves or admires. So we were talking about addictions, and I was explaining to him about that. I told him that it doesnt matter if you stop for one month then start again, its still bad for you.

As we picked up oldest at the After Care program a bunch of kids ran over to say Hi, do little hand gesture hellos with youngest, as we walked out little one says to me “Dannngggg, my new school is nothing like this, everyone is all loud and fighting” I said “Well what is your new school like?” He said “Its quiet, we line up and nobody is fighting”

And he said that in a positive way. Since his class is so small, you cant get lost in a crowd, the teacher can readily see all that goes on, plus it beign a private school its stricter.

I think it is good for him, less distraction, less noise, less chaos, which he is a child who is easily distracted to begin with.

Kids went to bed last night, B came in and told me he ordered something Online. Some STUFF, haha, he smiled. Its his supplement to help with his Libido.

So I read awhile and he was on the computer, I then went to the kitchen to clean up some things, B came walking in about 5 min later and said “Whatcha doinnnnnnnnn?” all silly and came up behind me and pressed himself against me. I said “hmmm, what are you doing?” he said “Thisssssss” and rubbed his groin against my backside. Hes all “I guess I got all horny blowing stuff up and killing bad guys” I laughed. I said to give me a minute, to be honest I wasnt really in the mood but thought it was worth a try, I typically can get reved up once I get going.

Well dang he was all spunky, I wasnt so much but just enjoyed him, his kisses and he was wound up last night I could tell by the level of passion he had, dammit now why couldnt I have been where he was? I just enjoyed him, I wasnt really after it all for my own pleasure, and well before ya know it, its over for him. I didnt even have a clue he was that aroused already, he was then wanting to come take care of me and I told him I was okay and Id come after him another time. Hes all “Huh? Are you sure? Why?” and I just snuggled up with him in bed, my lower back was hurting from work, and instead I just cuddled and laid next to him. We talked about gettign on some type of exercise work out routine, he wants to try swimming, yoga and not heavy duty weight training since he has back problems so he says its best he does things that make him mobile and flexible. We talked about eventually getting a bench at home and some basic bars and dumbells and all that.

We talked about the kids for awhile also.

Then I read him some of the book and he fell asleep. Then somehow we got talking again and were up a while more then we both went to sleep about 11.

Its really wierd reading principals in these books, the ones by Don Miguel Ruiz, because a lot of it B lives, and has since I met him,hed say things that made no sense to me or I didnt relate too and dont hear many people say, and then my support group and therapist at the Domestic Violence shelter would recite these principals and id be like HEY THATS WHAT B says! He was saying to me last night after I read a part in the book “See Vicky, I cannot imagine my life without you, yet at the same time if I did not have you I would be okay”

Talking about WANTING ME in his life and not NEEDING a person, he was referring to a song he heard on the way into work with his lady coworker and the guy was saying he was so lost and his life was over without his woman and B was saying that stuff is Bullshit.

He said his coworker said “How can you say that? Well you just havent experienced things like most of us?” B said he replied with “Ohhh I have lived a fucked up life, I didnt have a father, I had a family who spent most of my life tearing me down, and I think Ive managed to turn out to be a pretty level headed person despite all that” I told him I think hes done an awesome job also.

Well its not about 6:15am.

Enough for now

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