Got my Book Out

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Ah Im glad its friday, havent been wanting to get out of bed in the AM.

I think more then anything at the moment its the new school with child adjustment that is hardest. I told B last night that I went and lopped two big changes onto myself. Him moving in, and then switching childs school.

Im not taking it back, just admitting its rough.

If I had to do it again I probably would have held off on the school change and let other things settle and get comfortable first, since I just have put more pressure ultimately on myself. Which Ive been busy trying to simplify my life.

Anyways, I just started to freak out yesterday, I was driving and feeling that type of constricting cant breathe feeling, the kind where y ou get in the car and just run away. Me and youngest were on the way to pick up oldest from school and I was feeling it.

I got home and was just bawling in my office talking to my friend here, the neighbor boy was home so I allowed them to go play a little even though little one still had homework and was pitching a fit with the homework we did do.

I knew B would arrive home soon and I was so afraid of him seeing me in the state I was in and not really wanting to talk to him about it for fear he wouldnt get it, and be like “What take the kid out of school” or “Dont want me here?” answers as hes a guy and to the point, and what I just needed was to freak out and cry and vent. So thats where a girlfriend comes in. 🙂

B came in and he said “Whats for dinner?” I said “I dunno whats for dinner?” So he went to the store, bought charcoal and BBqed the rib eye steaks we had and hot dogs. 🙂 YAY

Ive been fixing dinners, the past 2 nights I have not, and that is okay, I was putting it on myself to try and have that done, and well, I DONT HAVE TOO.

I cant stress myself over having dinners prepped for him.

And there was no agreement that it would be that way I just sorta took it on and felt since Im home before him I should, even though my kids need me for homework time.

I played a game on the computer to unwind, sat out back as he was prepping BBQ stuff, then he went in for a bit, oldest came out with his new penquin stuffed animals, I said “Cmhere, give me snuggles” and he got up on my lap in the chair and we just laid there, he told me that one Penguin was Him, one Me and one Dad.

It was nice, just sitting there outside as the sun was going down with my kiddo.

Then went in and sat with little one to go over his spelling words.

As far as the spelling words and reading, I dont think he will have a problem there, its his writing neatness, and needing to catch up learning cursive.

He had a bible verse and had it memorized first try, he walked around yesterday saying , lol if I can remember it, It is James 5:16 “The earnest prayer of a rightoues man has great power and wonderful results” Yeah thats it! See I learn them with him.

I ended up hanging in the living room, have this cute dress I love but havent worn since it lost a button and I had to track down the button, then my needle and thread, and repaired it last night! Yay. So I was watching TV, the kids came in and layed on the floor with me, Will and Grace was on, B was in the office on the computer chatting on AOL.

He came out a bit later, he got a bowl of ice cream and sat next to me on the couch and began to feed me a bite here and there, which I just leaned over and said “Arent you so sweet?” and he shrugged with those “oohh hush” puppy eyes.

We watched a little tv, then got up to get ready to crawl in bed. I am typically asleep somewhere between 10-11 these days. More close to 10. Which is early for me!

But hes there, and I lay down with my head right in his lap and he plays with my hair, I pretty much fall asleep this way each night.

SO this weekend this house needs some cleaning, time to get on everyone to do their part.

I brought one of my books today to work, couldnt find my other one as my books are all in a pile since I took the shelf out for B’s desk. But I brought with me “Getting to Commitment” Overcoming the 8 great obstables to lasting connection” basically a book a friend from my abuse site recommended awhile back when I realized I WAS afraid of a commitment and it wasnt all B.

So Im hoping reading it will give me some insight to calm me down.

Ive been walking around the last 2 days with constant thoughts of “Sorry babe, this just isnt working out for me” floating through my mind, but no real reason to give as to why other then its freaking me out.

Oh, and I was looking for a link to a site, went to B’s old diary and found he wrote in it this very month! ??????? I didnt get the update, it wasnt anything thrilling but was wierd he wrote in it after moving in, he hasnt written in it for a long time.