Support

Dear Diary,

Well I got a lot of great support from my abuse forum in regards to the situation that occurred with my sister and ex husband…

Some as follows….

Vicky,

I have four sisters myself.

I’m shocked at what you sister did.

I’d be upset, and angry as well if it were my sister going out with my abusive ex husband.

If it were me, once I got over the initial shock, I’d want to ask my sister WHY?

The only reasoning I can even guess at is that she is at a vulnerable point, and craving male attention.
You XH happened to be in the right place to provide it for her.

I totally understand how inappropriate it was of her to go out with him for drinks and talk, but I don’t beleive she’s thinking very clearly right now.

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If it were me, once I got over the initial shock, I’d want to ask my sister WHY?

The only reasoning I can even guess at is that she is at a vulnerable point, and craving male attention.
You XH happened to be in the right place to provide it for her.

I totally understand how inappropriate it was of her to go out with him for drinks and talk, but I don’t beleive she’s thinking very clearly right now.
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Vicky,

I think B is right. Your sister doesn’t think clearly now and she did what she did because she is craving male attention and your ex just happened to be on the right spot. But still the explanation doesn’t make it right. I would be shocked too.

Also M’s situation is not exactly the same. M, I assume it was YOUR abuser, right? And you met him at a different city, at the same time refusing to meet your family, so you tried to hide it from them, right? If I got it right, the main difference is that you only hurt YOURSELF during this, while Vicky’s sister hurt her own sister.

Vicky, sorry it’s happening to you.

Sending lots of hugs,

I agree with B’s post. I think it was not a good idea for her to do this and she knew it and felt guilty and confused herself to why she herself even did it.

When I left my first abuser, I had been SO abused and brain washed, that I felt like I wanted any and all male attention so long as it wasnt X. I craved it SO BAD that I didnt care where it came from, just as long as someone -ANYONE- would tell me I was pretty or worthwhile. Deep down she was probably just using him for that.
Your X is trying to still get to YOU by doing this, and she was using him, but didnt know how to explain that to you maybe.
She needs to just go out to a couple bars with YOU maybe, and have a few men hit on her and that need will be over with after awhile.
Maybe you can tell her this really hurt you and confused you, but you understand her need for compliments right now is very deep run, and maybe tell her you know exactly how that feels. Ask her to go out with YOU instead of contact with HIM so you both can have a girls night out. I bet she would go in a heart-beat and stop the contact with your X.

Vicky!

Can you say B-E-T-R-A-Y-A-L????? FVCK AND ALAS, Vicky!!!! I am FLABBERGASTED! Well if THAT isn’t the biggest CROCK of effluvium to ever wash down the pike!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!! Your sis doesn’t have the slightest inkling as to what LOYALTY is. X or not, I would NEVER, NEVER go near the X of a dear friend or sister with a fvcking TEN FOOT POLE. That is SOOOOOOO off limits REGARDLESS of the circumstances or how much you hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The BEST revenge would be to do ~nothing~. Those two DESERVE each other. Perhaps your sis oughtta have her *head* pierced, too! UGH!

You’re right .
It is a different situation, the circumstances are different, but the codependent traits are similiar. With Vicky’s sister though, the guilt would be stronger.
I was just trying to point out what Barbie said, she put it into words wonderfully.

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Originally posted

You’re right .
It is a different situation, the circumstances are different, but the codependent traits are similiar. With Vicky’s sister though, the guilt would be stronger.
I was just trying to point out what B said, she put it into words wonderfully.

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Sorry ladies, but I don’t agree. REGARDLESS of whether this sister is thinking with a clear head or not or whether she’s emotionally vulnerable right now is beside the point. The FACT IS that this “sister” commisserated and consoled Vicky during a very difficult time and Vicky was now helping her sister go through the same thing. Vicky’s X was unfaithful and Vicky’s sister’s STBX was unfaithful. Do you THINK that this “sister” could even muster a little empathy with regard to how hurtful infidelity is? I would THINK so.

Sister has SH!T for brains. There’s NO excuse and NO plausible explanation for what she did. She deserves a major kick in the pants, IMHO.

Vicky this sux. I am sorry hun. I agree your sis’s behavior is disloyal. The REALLY hurtful part I do not understand is – why did she TELL you she had done this??? It was like she went out of her way to rub your nose in it for some reason.

I think it is important to take some time to sort your thoughts, then TELL her which behaviors were hurtful and why. Yowza.

(((HUGS))) to you Vicky! XOXO
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Vicky-
This is ridiculous, in my opinion. Your sister drove 90 minutes to hang out with your ex-husband??? That is insane. Weak boundaries, disloyalty to you, and all of the above.
I would be screaming-from-hell mad at her for doing this. Sure, she’s getting a divorce, times are hard, but she’s got her head in the wrong place. I would not hesitate to lay down the law with her and tell her this is intolerable, as well as giving your Ex the business about it too. Judging from how he treated you, I don’t think he’s interested at all in talking or comforting her. What else is there for him to be interested in? Talk about vultures…

I honestly think that cutting her any slack whatsoever in this situation is politically correct to a fault.

Vicky, you should be shocked and I’m so sorry you feel betrayed.

My exva is OFF LIMITS to anyone who cares for me. These people put us through hell and back. If they can’t care about us..then HOW can they care about people who DO care about us? It’s a contradiction.

I have no doubt your sis is vulnerable. I have no doubt she’s prey for your exh. (That last fact she doesn’t get.) But what she should get is that no matter how vulnerable she is there are still boundaries she needs to adhere to. No excuses. NONE.

Do you think there will be another meeting? I’ll bet he wants one. She is such an easy target right now he can taste it.

When you calm down a bit, I would speak to her about the whole situation and tell her how you feel. I know it’s a tough time for her, Vicky, but this is inappropriate for her to treat you this way. You’re feelings are no less important.

“So between spending time with her husbands brother and then now my ex husband. And then she called up her former first abusive husband to help her find a new place to live….”

Ok, so THIS EXPLAINS what your sister’s behavior is all about. It’s about vying for the attention of men regardless of the circumstances OR consequences. She wants her EGO STROKED and NOT a shoulder to cry on. YUK and yuk squared!

I don’t know how your sister is normally, but my guess is she is in a place where she see NOTHING, NOTHING but her own pain and her need for validation from another man. That is all she cares about. Your x clearly stated how great he thought she was and I’m sure he said that to her. She SO NEEDS TO hear that from a man that it was like waving chocolate candy in front of her face. I’m sure she knew it was not the best thing to do but she probably felt like she couldn’t help herself. She needed that validation of her worth from someone other than the brother in law. She was desperate for it. I truely don’t think she sees the connection between her actions and betraying you because she is not in a place where she can focus on anyone’s elses needs but her own. As long as your x never treated her badly, more than likely, she can only see him in a positive light right now, especially because of the extra attention he was giving her.

I think that it is a good idea to tell her how you feel because she should know before she goes further with it, but I really think that she is probably clueless as to how you are taking it and will be surprised at your feeling so upset.

I agree; you’ve got to tell her this right away.

I agree that you have to talk to her about this. It may not change anything but you need for her to know how you feel. She’s is exhibiting some really inappropriate behavior right now, and I for one, can relate to that in view of the circumstances, but as everyone, especially Tallulah put it, that is no excuse. TALK TO HER! TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL! Sorry that you are hurting. We all get it. Maybe she will too, once you express it in the way you have to all of us.