Molestation

Dear Diary,

Weather here was awful today. Raining and MAJOR Winds. Power at work kept flickering. But didnt go out on us. But some places closed down and one of the highschools did also since they couldnt keep power.

B is whats on my mind right now. I worry about him.

He said last night as we spoke he wouldnt go into work today. Because of his brakes. So I call him after work and he said he didnt feel like talking, he had been sleeping when I called. I guess Im worried myself. That he will loose his job.

Funny how I worry about that???? I guess Im always hopeful for him. Want to see him get himself into a better situation. Yet he seems to sabotage himself.

And I guess I fear that happening again. My Mother raised me with a strong work ethic, and promptness and courtesy. B got nothing done today with his car. So tonight he didnt mention anything about it, and well I asked. I asked him what was up and what was he gonna do. He then griped about how he hates dealing with this shit. How he can take it to the guy he knows to get it done cheap, but thats a matter of when the guy is free and getting the car over there. Or he can take it to a mechanic, but still need a ride over and then a way to get to work, and then how they will charge him so much to fix it when its not worth that much.

B is Cheap.

So logically in my mind Im thinking. Just take it to a mechanic! Have a roomie give you a ride, have it towed and take a taxi home? Rent a car for a day or 2? Anything? Sure it will be costly, but he could get it all done in under 2 days. Or he goes the other route, long and drawn out and the job firing him for loss of work. When you are new somewhere you really gotta be there. And well hes only into a second month there, and hes already missed work, not shown up one day, came in late, but still works a full day, just not at the hour he is to come in. Im not sure how slack they are on this, Its a big company, big name. And well do they have time for employees who conduct themselves like this?

So I told B tonight “Listen, I worry about you. Ive known you long enough now to know how you can be. I dont want to see you sabotage yourself in this and loose your job” he just replied “yeah” we sat their in silence. WHen I said “I worry about you” he said “Dont” I said “Too late I do” I dont want to be mommy and nag like, yet at the same time we are a couple, and I believe we have to kick one another in the butt now and then to wake one another up. Love isnt all about happy easy times and flowery words.

But yet this is ultimately his thing, I can just be a support. So We shall see what happens.

I was driving home tonight from getting the kids and listening to the John and Ken show on the radio. Talking about the parents who went to court for abuse of their teenage son. If you havent heard the story. He was a cop, she was a school principal. They had forced their son to sleep in the backyard. The step mom showed off nude photos of the boys genitals to his friends and made fun of them, the put dog crap in his school backpack because he didnt clean it up, he had to walk a ways to even use a bathroom. The father I guess woke the teenager up by splashing water all over him outside and the boy then ran to a neighbor and that is when the story came out. The parents said they were using “Tought Love” that he was a troubled kid. The boy admitted he wasnt a good kid and was stealing.

The radio guys were commenting on this type of abuse, how unless a person is BEAT they dont take it as serious, but they talked about how insidious mental abuse is. How humiliating for a child to go to school with dog crap in their backpack put their by his own parents. They were talking about what it does to a child, how all these cases of kids going nuts and killing people in their schools or their parents. And how many of these stories involved weird abuse either at home, or the kids were severly taunted and bullied in the schools and they snap.

Or hearing all the stuff with the Catholic Church coming out, priests molesting young boys. How many men just keep quiet about sexual abuse. I will tell you right now. My Ex, Mr Comedy, and B were all molested.

Its out there all over the place. Except these guys all carry this around within them and have never gotten help, therapy, parents who did anything for their kids.

And what is worse? All 3 men were abused by female relatives.

B even told his mother who didnt believe him.

B was also molested by someone in a bathroom of a Lutheran school as a child. It angers me.

How so many men carry this around, and what does it do to a guy? You cant make them go seek therapy or work thru it.

I think about how all these men are now coming forward with priest sexual abuse, that maybe perhaps with other men coming forward, they are now able and dont feel as afraid or alone or like a freak or anything.

B has been terribly abused. And thats the part of me that is probably drawn to men like this. The nurturer, want to love, help, protect side of me. Wanting to see the person underneath who was wounded.

But some people dont come out of these things, dont recover, carry around all the crap thru their lives.

I know that Bs problem with holding a job is not about a JOB. Its deeper. Ive known him long enough to see this. Its his whole outlook on people, life, respect for people that is lacking, his back and forth feeling from wanting to be around people, to wanting to shut off and isolate.

Love cannot cure him, my love that is. But Im not ready to give up on him. B commented on Sunday how hes never really been into Christmas or the christmas spirit or christmas trees or anything. He said his mother and sister always made him go get the tree, do all the decorating and then all the clean up. He saw it as a chore that he hated and doing it because he was told too.

The guy wasnt raised in a loving home, his mother taped his Dads death certificate to his door as a young teen one christmas ( she hid his identity from him all his life)He cursed out his family at around age 13 on Christmas day. His relative that molested him bribed him with christmas presents he wanted.

I understand why he feels the way he does. I said ” YOu have never had any body LOVE you on Christmas” he explained that reasoning away.

He just said he didnt care for it. He doesnt care for any holidays.

I just hate how parents get so selfish and screw up their children this badly.