Good Morning

Dear Diary,

Good Morning.

I couldnt sleep last night! Grrrr! I was up till 1am! Grrr and new Id be sleepy in the AM, sigh,,, and it wasnt even that anything was on my mind. I think its the Xenadrine, the green tea in it.

So my update on taking it? Well all was fine, just a little over a week taking it, but then I got a headache on Sat AM, and felt a little nauseated, so was afraid to take one when I felt like crap. So i didnt take any at all Sat, then Sunday had a headache again, so didnt want to take one then either. But was talking to B, how I was probably coming down from the caffiene and getting headache from that. So I started back yesterday taking it again. So we shall see how it goes.

I havent really had any weight loss yet, but I know thats not all what its about, I kinda feel a little bloated lately, which is odd, but then again had my period the first week taking it, the one thing Im noticing is my intensity during working out is stronger, and I get warmer, sweat more, and am more warm in general. Its thermogenics so it raises your bodys core temp as B puts it. Which makes ya burn more.

So cant really comment still at this point how well this stuff works.

Its so strange, still, my mind is so free now, I dont even have lots to say, with the legal stuff DONE. Its nice, but people comment on how less chatty I am, am I ok? And well yeah, I am, just so much drama is removed, I dont have anything to talk about lol. Just every day stuff.

B has been super sweet. Hes been writing me emails from work, someone told him hes not very encouraging and hes never happy at work. I have no idea who or under what context, so we are discussing this back and forth, which i see how it happens and can believe it. So I was able to tell him how I can see that happening, and all. Nice good discussion between us.

Some of what he said …

” I didnt do any bridging this AM, my back was sore, so I figure Id give it a lil rest.I have to watch the rest of the videos so I can do the rest of the workouts too. I need to get back in shape, I have come to the realization that i miss being objectified. I liked having a good body that people noticed… I just dont want to put in all the work …LOL. It sucks feeling like a tubby ol whale =0(.

I got told that I am …” not very encouraging” I think I need to shut my mouth more and just spout off some sunny happy BS phrases… That might do the trick.. guess my prressive brutal views of reality are not so well taken…

I wrote him back with some examples of things Ive been thru with him and how it comes across and he wrote back…

“MUah,

YOua re too cute sometimes.

But you are right…. I do get a little fixated on things at times.

I am just intense, I speak my mind, I guess I just expect people to do the same. I respect people who speak up even if I disagree. Disagreement is nevr a big issue with me, I have differant opinions than most people, I like to challenge beliefs and discuss things, even if I am wrong, or they are wrong. Doesnt really matter. it is the discourse I enjoy. Im just more intense than most so I scare people…. go figure… ”

I told him that I love this part of him the honesty and willingness to discuss things, but that many people arent able to walk up and tell someone they disagree with them. And B just comes across as intimadating. And for him he enjoys a good challange or discussion. I told him if I wasnt his chick Id be scared of him too and avoid him, heehee. So gave him some tips on how to turn it down a notch.

I told him theres a time for honest brutal reality, then theres a time for things to be light.

So ex messaged me briefly last night. Hes in San Fran now. He said “Its been 9 yrs” via message. Im all thinking “Oh what???” He said “Since he died” Meaning his only brother. Who died a week before our first child was born. Its the anniversary of his death. Which I forgot. So I said “Oh yeah its that time isnt it?” hes all “Yeah, nite” and just logged off??

So that was weird, just tell me that and leave.

I would have chatted with him, but I dont chase after him either.

I got approved for a credit card, it arrived, and wow, Ive never had a card with a limit that high! LOL. It kinda feels good, that thru the separation, lack of income, struggling to pay off debts made by ex, and preserving my credit. I made it thru with flying colors and better credit then before! And credit of my own. I learned a tip from Suze Orman, on having emergency money. Via Credit cards, Applying but putting the cards away. I will make a small purchase on it, gas or groceries, pay it off, to keep establishing good credit. But to then put the cards away. For safe keeping.

The card is so cute too! It has a Polar Bear and was issued by a local zoo. Its a Visa card.

I also have this other credit card from PayPal that is transparent. cool eh?

Also I got word back and talked to siblings about refinancing the house and getting some cash equity back for home repairs, and sounds like a good thing for me to do. Get a new roof, Get the old shower torn out, the walls repaired from water damage and a new shower put in. Not sure if Ill have anything else done. Sis said do the expensive things, not the small stuff I can afford myself along the way. And the plumbing has already been redone on the place. So really I cant think of anything else that is MAJOR, Sure a lot of cosmetic or stuff Id like to have done, but do I need to take out more money for it? Naw, not really.

So far so good sounding on the refi, but need the final paper signed by the judge saying we are “Divorced” so loan guy is just prepping everything to see whats out there for me.

Also if I refi under 5 yrs I get money back too, cool eh?

I read something cute this AM, will end this on that note…

As I’ve Matured… I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is

stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just

jackasses.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes

suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re

finished.

I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are

celebrities.

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural

stupidity.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your

house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.