Inside my Thoughts

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Feeling a little weird today. Not sure why exactly? So Ill just write stuff Im feeling or thinking.

Also I should be getting my period any day now so I can chock it up to PMS since Im usually emotional the week before. But Im not crying or anything like that. Its just my thought process. And its me dealing with myself, trying to figure out ME. After learning about this panic/anxiety issue, trying to see what things are real issues and what are ones I create in my mind or blow out of proportion.

Im going through a lot of mixed feelings with B. Haha, like I havent before?

And its not that anything terrible is occurring? Its just me trying to work out somethings within myself, some things I havent figured out yet, and learning to just “BE” and not always have things figured out and be in control of it all.

B didnt come out Wed nite as planned, he got in late and said he wasnt gonna come but would make it up and come out Thursday. So I didnt make a stink. I knew he was tired and all. And he said hed make it up to me so that was cool.

He came up last night about 8:30pm. We just hung out and watched tv, which is fine. And on nights like this, work nite, week day, eves, we generally just lay in bed, watch tv, then get to sleep.

I guess its just the fact that I hadnt seen him in about 2 weeks, and that we hadnt slept together in 2 weeks. And he just gets in the door and says Hi without a smile or much excitement.

I remind myself “He tells me he loves me, hes here, he wanted to come I didnt ask” its just strange you know? He just looks so stone faced at times. I had noticed when I was stressed really bad I had begun to loose my cheerful, happy playful spirit also. So Ive been going back to the old me. And so perhaps its a time of adjustment for the both of us? You know relationships getting comfortable and all that.

We laid down, We watched a little tv, I dunno, he just rolled over, back to me, and that was it. No kiss or anything. So I laid there in bed I was curled up to his backside for awhile but then just rolled over on my back and stared up at the wall. I put into practice not freaking out and making an issue. I had to tell myself “Victoria, he loves you, he works hard long days, commutes, and has just started exercising again, dont take it personal, if he didnt like being with you he wouldnt be here, sex is not the only way to show love” haha I feel so strange like I said, wanting sex, I never felt like that in my marriage, I was wanting my ex to leave me alone, now Im like “Dangit just grab my body!”

So I laid there awhile, I then nudged him in the side and said “Come here” And he turned around, kissed me and held me. 🙂 I soon fell asleep.

I was telling a friend how B is. He can both be totally naked and sleep all night and he wont try to start any sexual activity. Which my ex was the total opposite, hed constantly pressure, try and touch me when Id say nor or was tired or even wake me up trying to do things to me.

I was just glad I didnt cry or get upset last night. And I just told him to cmhere and he did and held me. 🙂

He is at work today, then he said hes going to class after, then hes got plans with his buddy S, then class again in the AM. Then just said hed see me Sat afternoon.

So I was a little bummed, since I told him this was my free weekend. But you know me, its like id just love to run off with him on my free weekends.

So I called, placed an ad for a yard sale at my house Sat to clean out the garage some more. Not sure what I will do tonight. I have to get stuff ready for the sale. Im not really in the mood to have one, but have no plans, no kids, and weather is perfect and I need to get rid of some stuff. So why not?

When I was laying in bed last night I thought about just taking off tonight to San Diego, by myself, not telling B, no calls, just staying down there, Meeting up with 2 guy pals in the area. But I think its loneliness talking.

Music dude and I are talking a lot these days. His girlfriend left yesterday for Utah. She returns Tues. Hes got a opening night tonight at the club then he said a big party as his place. Then his cousin is coming out.

He did say to me “Victoria, hes got issues, I think its perfectly normal to want to spend time with your significant other” Referring to our amount of time we are together.

I was talking to boss wifey yesterday. We are having the upcoming Oscar Party and she asked me if I was bringing B. I said I didnt know. I took B last year, he was just quiet, kinda serious, and told me later he was uncomfortable, he didnt know people, he doesnt do well with crowds( he believes he has some fear of crowds thing wrong with him) Dunno? So part of me wants to bring him, but the other part doesnt want to for fear I wont have as good a time?

This is where the relationship is weird. Its like I want to take the kids to Legoland, and invite B. But then I dont want to invite B because Im afraid he will get annoyed with my kids, and I dont like feeling the tension from him. And hes just not very playful, fun, easygoing.

He used to be moreso.

So I guess what is going on for ME right now is im trying to do less and want for less with B? Like slowly weaning myself if that makes sense?

I went out to visit Ex’s Gpa last night, well I mainly went to visit Gpa’s Girlfriend/Gma or whatever you call her. Shes been around ever since I dated ex. She had been havign some serious health issues and has made contact and asked to spend time with me. So I finally made the trip out last night with the kids. I wanted to go see her alone but she called yesterday and I figured Id better get over.

Gpa wasnt home yet, so we chit chatted, shes having cancer radiation and treatments right now 5 times a week.

So shes not up and around much nor is she driving. Gpa came home and the kids were all thrilled. Its cute my oldest just hugs him, gets up in the chair with him, his arms wrapped around him. I just find it so cool my kids have Great Grandparents they can visit. Only on Ex’s side. I never knew mine.

Gpa took me outside and showed me all his antique items hes restoring, Old stoves, heaters, fridge, and a clawfoot bathtub. He then showed me this fence he built and said “See that wood right there? Thats from Fanny’s whorehouse in Colorado” I just started laughing.

He proudly showed me around to his big boy toys. Gma’s son arrived home also. He lives with them. Hes gotta be just around 40 or late 30s. I havent seen him in some time. So he was all HEY! And then Gma went on to tell us WE SHOULD SPEND TIME TOGETHER!!!!!!!!! lol He is all “Geesh Mom” and shes all “Look at you your all red” then she starts telling me how good he is with kids. And hes all inviting me to stop by his job and visit anytime. I hugged him goodbye and hes all “WOA, a hug!”

It was just kinda funny and weird. My ex’s relatives! Doing that! I havent seen this guy in 3 yrs. It was at a christmas gathering. I remember because my ex got Drunk in front of all the family and was angry with his mom and her relationship with her “Female roomate” and neglecting him and he was acting out. And Gma and her son both noticed his behavior (they both are drinkers) and knew right away what was up with Ex and came over and told me they could see how bad he was hurting and they were miffed at his mom.

Anyways, it was dark when we headed home. The kids had a nice visit.

Well after work, I drive home, get the dog, and moms gonna hold him while I drive to the vet to get his stictches out, Then get back home, get kids belongings together for their week with Dad. Then load up a few of ex’s items we are gonna leave for him to get at my moms house. Then drop kids off at moms for ex to pick them up at 6pm.

Then what!! lol I dont know! I want to go shopping bad, I might just stop by Target for a few things, but then head home, get yard sale stuff ready, take down all my living room wall hangings and get it ready for painting?

I want to go and purchase a Costco membership this weekend also. I miss shopping there and might be able to find some things I need for the house there at good deals.

Thats all for now!