Nite Visitor

Dear Diary,

Goodmorning. 🙂

B is asleep in my bed right now. I was really sad again yesterday, wondering why he doesnt call, he isnt online, he now has his own phone and I dont see him? Or get a call? I was going to Moms for dinner with the kids, and sat there thinking “Its the weekend, why arent we together?” So I called, no answer, so I left him a voice mail just saying hello and seeing what he was up too. I try so hard to just do nothing and not call, see what he does on his own. But B isnt your typical person who this works with. It honestly doesnt seem to phase him.

So I just go nuts. I was just heading out the door about 5pm when the phone rang and it was him. He said he was helping roomie with computer and grocery shopping and jumped in and said “Exciting huh??” Its driving me nuts he does this, I dont care hearing about day to day things. I dont feel I complain so not sure why he keeps feeling the need to repeat this to me.

Anyways, I just chatted briefly, I came out with it, “So when do I get to see you?” he responded with “Well perhaps I can arrange that” I said “When?” He said “Oh today?” so he said hed be over around 8:30pm. I hung up and headed off to Moms for dinner.

Got back with some time to spare and did a little bit more house cleaning. Then B arrived. I had candles lit, the house was nice and clean, and I made us popcorn and got some Hansens soda, I had mentioned how my Mom made Spice Cake with Walnuts(Eww I dont like Walnuts) as a cake for my birthday. She knows I dont eat Walnuts! But oh well, I brought some extra cake home for the kids, then asked B if he wanted some. I made sure to not put the TV on this time. Its become the staple of our alone time at home. So I wanted to make sure we spent time with one another and talked. He apologized when he arrived saying he was still feeling blah and not to be bothered if he isnt very Spunky. I said “Well hope you dont mind if I spunk all over you?” he laughed and said no he didnt mind and couldnt think of a better place to be. I said “Its not so bad to be held when your feeling blah is it?” and he agreed.

So it was nice, we sat talking and he was feeding me popcorn. He commented on how my mood was “Are you on drugs” he said jokingly. I was just happy to have him there. Ive been feeling so lonely lately. Longing and sad for him. Yet feeling a bit helpless.

Now that B is in the new place hes always talking about the little girl all the time. I notice B lacks empathy. I believe thats the word. He sees things as he sees them and expects others to know where hes coming from. He is not able to put himself in others shoes, relate, feel what they feel.

We got onto the topic of cursing. My oldest said a curse word this evening at my Moms, I was all huh? Since we dont speak that way in our home, nor do I around them, nor do my parents. Then my little one started to say “Ohhhh! Dont say that! You kept saying it to Daddy and he got mad!” Im like Huh? So I asked him where he heard the word and he kept saying he didnt know. I mean it could have been school who knows. Or a movie they saw, or it could have been while with their Dad, his cousin is terribly foul mouthed and screams at her kid.

So I just had a talk with him about words. B was commenting on how he swears less then he used to. I am not really bothered and dont find him using ungodly amounts of curse words. So I dont really notice too much of it. B said he was saying F*%! by the time he was 5 and in school. OUCH!

I never cursed in school nor did I speak that way all my school years.

He was saying when he lived in Nashville thats probably when he really cursed the least. He moved their with his brother and new wife(not real brother blood relation, just a friend he considers a brother because of the depth of their friendship) They are christians so he said they had a talk with him about how they dont want that language in their home. They just didnt prefer it. But he said they wouldnt freak out if he slipped now and then. He said this one girl was over once and he said the F word and she gasped. And she is all “o my how can you say that!?” so B proceeded to say “What? F? F You? F off? and said he went on for several minutes spouting off ways to use the F word and then said “Now are you going to try correcting me again?” Ahhhh boy, its stuff like that he tells that makes me cringe at times.

I said im not opposed to swearing, but it had a proper place and I cant stand it when people use it every other word and I dont want it around my children. They are young, if they choose to speak that way Id prefer they make that decision as adults, but for now Im to bring them up in the best way I see fit, and I dont see how a child cursing is of any benefit to the child. B was in agreement.

It was nice to be curled up with him on the couch. Snuggled up. Then we got in bed and watched some tv till almost midnight. I was drifting off several times. I wanted to make love to him but was feeling so tired and he was watching South Park( you know some episodes of that show are just so awful?)

But we ended up closing out the evening in a nice romantic passionate way. Which I always state, the sex is wonderful with that man. I am amazed at how good it is and has remained. I even said “Why is it always so good with you?” I forgot what he said since we were both so out of it and soon passed out asleep.

He was adorable in bed this AM, holding my teddy bear he gave me and making him wave at me, making him attack my back as I got out of the bed. I told him to watch our baby and give him snuggles, and B does sleep with him when I leave, Ive walked back in and hes really got the bear under his arm. Aweeeeeeee

So not sure if hes going to come by my work today. I asked him, he just said hed see. 🙁 Dammit I hate that, why cant he say yes or no? But that is a flaw with B that is there and he has a issue with commiting to things, feeling if he will fail if he gives a commitment to something.

I drove to work, and music dude was on my mind…. bleh