No Im Right!

Dear Diary,

Goodmorning. Thanks Lisa for your comment. When you said go to Domestic Relations, is this the same as me going through the district attorney? I was advised by group members that I can go to the courthouse and pay 25 cents for a copy of the support order that has been done. So I need to get that done(when I have time! Hopefully this week) But I have no idea about the insurance stuff. I do have a letter in writing from my employer stating my ex entered into an agreement to pay the childrens health benefits, and that he was paying them for it so we have record that he was doing it at one time. But the fact that he had dental coverage all that time and didnt place the children on it? He removed them during the separation and never put them back on. And so I have had to cover it all on a cash basis for a child with a dental problem.

So any other input I would appreciate. 🙂

Im pretty standoffish to the attorney thing right now. I feel that I do have good representation right now, but Im relying less on them for help or calling for everything, because why? Well $$$. My retainer fee is going fast, already more then half is gone, so I should have enough to at least get through this last set of legal house stuff. Id really like to avoid paying anymore if possible.

So pretty much the HOUSE is the area the attny will be handling in court that Im trying to get wrapped up. But then inside part of me says do nothing. My sister said so what if his name is on it? Its not like he can go and sell it or move in. And really its not that I can move anytime soon. I expect to be there several more years, and the market here is at a boom right now, so prices may even go back down. Anyways, I guess what I want is to avoid paying him anything, and just getting his name off the mortgage and the title.

Well onto other things….

Had group yesterday, was good, I shared my anger. They suggested I do somethings like Burn him an Effigey? However u spell that? My ex. Do something symbolic to release my anger. Hmmm maybe?

I did talk about the B thing. Basically leader said “well know this isnt like a serious relationship” because really I dont see him much, not on a regular basis, there is just so much that we DO NOT SHARE. Not that we should be doing this, the thing is I see it cant be done with many things. I cant live with him, I cant share things with him financially, I dont totally feel okay with the way he views children, he is emotionally in need and is depressed. Group leader suggested I just ask B where is it he sees this relationship going? What does he want from it? She said that way I hear from him and I compare what it is I want. Since I was speaking about how things arent terrible between us and he means a lot to me, but I feel like we are friends dating, not a “Couple” often times. I was talking about how I dont really know how to approach this with him, often times Im used to you breaking things off with a person because they have made you angry. But its not exactly like this, I care for B, I do love B, I love having him in my life. But to what extent?

So I often play through my mind talks with B, yet I also am just kinda waiting right now. For what? I do know, to be emotionally ready myself? Im afraid of losing his friendship? I can just hear him saying an all or nothing line to me that if Im not with him that its DONE. And part of that fear gets to me. But that isnt right! I really would still like to see him, be friends, but right now Im committed to him, which is great for him maybe. But for me Im alone a lot and wanting to share life with a partner, not just a small percentage.

Im also trying to mellow with the Music dude, the feelings when you first meet someone, trying to chill out with the infatuation aspect. I know I like the guy. But I want my emotions to settle a bit. He and I have been going on 2 yrs of a friendship, so we already have that foundation, and nothing wrong with continuing on that path.

I called B last night, didnt answer, so I paged him. He called me back near 11pm. He was watching TV downstairs. He was talking again about his new home. How he is the one everyone gripes and complains too, how he said hes in the middle of everything, but people feel safe in telling B stuff cause it stays there, he isnt the kind to blab. So hes got the wife and the husband both griping at him about the other. Then he talked about the kids again. Mainly the 4 yr old. He was saying “You know shes really bright, but sometimes she does things that are just Stupid” and I just listen to him talk, he has been for several days. He said “This little girl seems to think things need to be fair, and well life isnt fair, thats the biggest crock of shit we feed children” So he said he sat her down and told her “Life is not fair, whats you understand this, youll be fine” and he said she said OK, and ran off to play. 15 min later she was screaming something about fairness again. So B was ticked at her.

Now in my mind as I listen Im like “SHES 4!” Hello????? I also told him I disagreed partly with what he was saying. And who knows if Im wrong, but I believe we need to teach our children about fairness, Im not saying to tell them that life will always be fair, but that they as an individual can practice it. I told B that at the age of 4 that is a big thing they work on. In school and all that, Things are divided up, so that everything is equal to everyone, the only time a child misses out is when they misbehave or something like that. I dont know. I just dont agree with telling a child LIFE ISNT FAIR. and leaving it at that. Any comments from other parents on this?

So B was very adament, and I said “well just because your childhood you were not treatly fairly or justly doesnt mean it applies to everyone”

Its weird, did I not notice this before? But all of the sudden it seems Im objecting to B, not just listening to him anymore, I am challanging most things he says, sharing my different opionion. He becomes so authoratative and tells me that “NO I know what Im saying, I am right” and I dont accept it, I tell him I dont agree and dont let him shove his opinion on me.

Well thats it for now, have to take my little one in for a physical today.