Miss that Smell

Dear Diary,

Just talked to my Mom, she said she has been having dreams about youngest, one sat, one this AM. Shes all “Is there something new going on?” as in my moms lifetime she has had dreams that were telling of future events.

I told her “Well Mom, both mornings you had the dreams those were the days he was yelling all morning” This AM he was hell bent on telling off his brother, anything his older brother said or did he screamed back at him “GET OUT!” GO AWAY!”

Dang he was in a foul mood.

Im trying to set a more peaceable tone, not react to his outbursts. Last night I gave him a lot of praise, but dang that kid wears me out! I was just reading adored’s entry. And its weird, its like Im dealing with the opposite thing,,, I used to walk my kids into the school, then some mornings I dont, then some days I just drop them at the front, but I stopped that awhile back and started to walk them in again, my oldest enjoyed that more and wanted me to walk with him. Its just taking advantage of those little moments to be with them. And reading how Adored’s son or hearing from my sister how her son wont allow her to walk with her or hug him, I need to treasure this while I still have it, because one day they will be older and that will be a thing of the past…(okay well maybe Ill get lucky and they will always be so lovey! )

I think the thing I enjoy about the little one, is when he isnt in trouble in the AM, and hes getting out of the Jeep and I say “I love you, be good, dont argue with your teachers okay!” and he gets out, shuts the door, and then turns around and kisses his hand, as if blowing me a kiss. He has done this on his own, this is HIS THING, the kiss blowing, my oldest doesnt do it, but my little guy, my stinker, he blows me a kiss. Its his own little personality thing he does. My oldest on the other hand would hang on my arm all the way to his class, and say “MY MOM” and be proud and hug me hard in front of everyone. Little one, he will blow his kiss, and run off, he doesnt stop and act huggy, but he blows that kiss.

I told my Mom that ex left a voice mail last night wanting to talk to me about Jeeps. Mom said “Ohhhh please, he isnt paying any child support and he wants to talk to you about buying a new vehicle?” and she just is getting more annoyed herself with him. My Mom was an apartment manager for over 30 yrs. She said, “Your ex is gonna be like so many of those tenants I had that applied, showing on their credit reports failure to pay child support, these guys think its nothing, until they heard it from me” My mom was fussy with who she rented too, so she saw it time and time again, people dont realize that failure to pay support shows up on a credit report if its filed through the DA.

I told Mom I have my DA packet out on the office floor.

Today is the dentist, I have to take the oldest, its his firt time going to MY dentist, its cheaper, no more kiddie dentist, if I can help it that is, shes too expensive and wont take checks, and her waiting room time is horrible.

My youngest I will keep there because hes really hard to deal with and what my dentist does is limited and not small children. So oldest can start going, hes almost 10 and hes pretty relaxed at the dentist.

But this is just another freaking bill, I dont have money for, but Ill make it up, cause this stuff is important. Little one wants to be signed up for basketball, and I dont have that money either, but I told him I will sign him up. Theres just things I will do, but yeah my ex pisses me off. Hes doing zilch once again, Mom asked me “When did Ex last pay you?” I said “First week of Dec $100 and nothing since”

No reimbursements either for other medical/dental expenses as we are to split those in half.

Dont worry, the DA will get all this info since it goes into my paperwork along with the support.

So onto other things,,,,

You know what I miss? And I miss these things about B.

I miss the way his body looked when we first dated, how confidant he was, how I would just hold onto his bicep and just want to grab and bite it. I miss the way he smelled. The smell, mmmmmmm, it still is in my mind, it has since left since he stopped working out and using the Vanilla scented body oil. He used to oil up his arms, his tattoos, and his clothes would be this mixture of his sweat and the oil, it was in his room, on his clothes, Id ask him to wear a shirt and then give it to me so it would have his smell. That smell is gone, 🙁 I miss it so much. I was so drawn to it.

I miss when hed wear the dark blue shirt the gym gave him, B new he looked awesome in it too.

Ahhhh hes still my baby, just miss that stuff ya know?