Men

Dear Diary,

Well Im sitting here today kinda feeling bleh. Rundown tired in the eves. I just want to sit and I feel cold. I sit in my jacket and just watch TV. No energry to do much else.

I brought the dog in tonight. Hes sitting just a few feet away from me on a sheet on the carpet all warm now and not shivering. He looks so sweet. I put some ointment on him Saturday night and today I put some more but it looks less puffier then it did on Saturday. So perhaps it was just inflamed/infected? Since I put on ointment to kill infection. I then got one of my kids old shirts to put on him so he wont lick all the ointment off, plus it will keep him warmer. He is such a good dog. He just laid down on his little spot I made, and just went right to sleep. Its cold at night now, and hes old, and Boxers dont have thick fur. He has a dogloo house, but its still cold. And well hes always been an outdoor dog ever since we got him. I have allergies. And ewww he smells after all the rain, he has the musty wet dog smell. But its ok, hes a part of the family,and he needs some special attn too. Tonight will be the first nite I let him sleep in the laundry room. Hope he doesnt pee in there. Ill let him out before I head to be around 11-midnite to go to the bathroom then let him out first thing in the AM and see how his first nite goes.

He looks so sweet on the floor. I love this dog.

He does mean a lot to me. Hes a part of this family. Hes been my protector since my ex is gone. I do admit I feel secure with him hear. He is a good watch dog.

Well turns out I missed the Santa Workshop! It was yesterday! I read the date wrong and so I missed out totally all together! 🙁 My error for not noting the right date. I always have to make some sense out of things going like this, that perhaps someone else needed the gifts much more then my kids and they went to someone else 🙂

I then went to the college to turn in my admission form. I later called to phone register, but turned out the main class I want to take and all the time slots were CLOSED! Dang! So I registered for the night one “History of Film” this was the other class I was going to take, but the other I really wanted to do more. Oh well 🙁 I can either crash one or take it the next semester. But this nite one wont start till Feb. So we shall see.

I also called Health Insurance Kaiser about counseling. WOW! I get to go this thursday for my intake! I didnt expect to go so soon! But that will be good.

I am not sure if this intake person is my therapist person? But its a guys name. Which I should have spoken up but didnt since I was thrilled to get in this week. But I would really prefer a female counselor. So Im going to call back tomorrow to ask more about it.

Kids spoke to their Dad tonite, they asked him if he got his tree. He said no to them, they asked if he was getting one, was his roomate getting one. So my little one just said “Thats ok Dad, you dont have to have a tree to get presents” ahhh kids and presents.

I am very happy I will have my kids for Christmas eve and christmas morning, and they will get to see their cousins Christmas Eve. So they should have a great time. Also I only have to have my mom watch the kids a day and a half! Then my ex will have them for a week, all the other off track school time so I wont need a sitter at all, so it will all work out perfectly. Just pray the kids do okay during their visit and my ex doesnt pull too much stupid mental crap on them.

I was thinking about Christmas, How B isnt the big priority in it. I will get him a few things, but now its ok if he isnt there when I go to see my siblings. If he wants to come great or is able, cool! But I look forward to going either way. Through all this crap that has gone on, my own family, then my marriage, and everything coming out in the open and all, my family has grown closer. Well me and my sisters have, and I believe my mom and I continue to do so.

I was trying to think about my Dad today. I watched a Dr Phil about this woman wanting to make peace with her dad and talk to him again. How she spent her whole life wanting his involvement. Then when she was older she wrote him an angry letter, and then she wrote another one wanting to make contact but never heard from him. And Dr Phil had said its more about YOU, its not your Dad or (breast implants, she had 3 surgeries) How basically she is always seeking male attn.

I try to look at myself. I grew up with my parents intact. I dont see myself walking around saying ” I want a really Daddy!” Maybe its what I do feel? I dont know. Im upset at what my father is, Im upset that my father is mentally screwed up and emotionally harmful to me as a person. I also keep hearing that I have to accept him where he is and not expect more. Yet at the same time. I wonder at times, what does he mean to my life?

This may sound cold, but I was really thinking today about what role does my Dad play in my life? Does he benefit my life? Or make it worse?

I feel like my Dad is a shell of a person that once maybe had been there, but I never really knew. Something that mental illness and alcohol stole away from him?

I did start to touch on this with one counselor ex and I were seeing but never did finish, so I know I will need to go into this in my new counseling, My father issue.

I was thinking again today of Mr Comedy. How sweet he was and funny and silly. How he was corny and sappy. How we could sing songs I liked together and he didnt make fun of me or think it was uncool. How he was soft and gentle, kind to my kids. And I keep reminding myself “There are more men out there like that, dont you settle Victoria”

I emailed something to B today. Not sure when he will get it, it was a link. It was a self help type thing, but on people who constantly pull away(isolate) to protect themselves.

Drool did has been messaging me for 3 days now. Keep saying “Dear Santa, for Christmas Im leaving you extra cookies, I want to meet the curly haired girl(me)”haha aint he cute? Tonight he was cooking some type of shark for dinner, telling me all about it. He caught it himself. Ive never had shark.

Mr Obnoxious said to me this past week “i need to find me a strong willed beautiful woman like you to occupy my life.=)i like who and how you are, act, look, and feel…=)all the qualities id like to find in someone,probably why i tried so hard the night we went out, was trying to show you a good time, and got carried away.=( I was just totally out of control that night, not usually like that, you know how i can be,,, that wasnt me that night.”

Me: haha yeah but Ive also changed a lot dont you think from when we first met and were involved?hell back then i didnt even know I could oppose Exs words I was scared to death

Him :still the same person down inside, little less goodie twoshoes, but still the same beautiful intirguing sensitive woman looking to be happy.you know i adore you.

Wow was he laying it on THICK. Hes a nice guy in his own weird way and he plays a role in my life when I first attempted leaving my ex 5 yrs ago he was the one who was there for me.

But now? Eh. He drinks too much, he has no social life, a workaholic, his personality is kinda blah, his interests are Hockey, drinking and his boat. He is another man with no father in his life. A mom and sister he hates. And hes got a problem with holidays also. Boy I know how to pick dont I????

Ok so look.

My Dad- Father died when he was 9. Raised by a single Mom who didnt discipline my father but quoted bible verses at him. My Dad is an alcoholic.

Me Ex- Dad and Mom split when he was 5. Dad moved away, Mom raised him, she neglected him a lot and talked about how he was a bad baby and child who always cried and pushed her away. Later raised by a alcoholic/ drug abusers who was also physically abusive.(His Step Dad)

B- Never knew his Dad his mom wont tell him about him. Mom neglected him. Only times he felt loved by her when was when she was drunk and would say I love you to him and he would help her walk in the house and carry her. B spent several years in depression and drinking in the past before we dated.

At times I get these pangs of thoughts of Mr Comedy. I guess because in some ways he was my first taste of something different. He had a good relationship with both his parents. Their marriage was intact, they communicated. He was close to his sister also. He didnt drink at all. He didnt smoke either. Hell the guy grew gorgeous scented roses and sang Richard Marx songs with me! (no he wasnt gay either!)

There have to be more men like that out there, he was my only real taste of someone like that, but he was some exposure to me of seeing all men arent the same. How on earth did I ever get to meet someone like him? When you look at my track record? Then again It was only about 2 mos and we dont talk anymore.

Musician Dude, hes a sweetie too, he doesnt drink, but hes been smoking pot a lot now. Hes dating this chick at the club(he seems to date people he works with) the bartender, now his assitant. The drug thing, bleh. Substiting another thing in place of the drinking.

Well I think Im just rambling now, gonna head out,,, Later