Face the Dragon Baby

Dear Diary,

I wrote to a friend of mine from the Abuse group. I sent him the diary entries from yesterday.

Hes the one who told me to read the Hes Scared Shes Scared Commitment Issue book.

He wrote back…

You’re going to have to take a look at how your past is affecting your present,
if
you know what I mean.
This happened very briefly with my fiance…on occasion she would say something;
some
little magic word or something seemingly meaningless that would turn on the ol’
radar big time. In reality, nothing major had happened. It was just my old fears
coming up again. I talked to her about it briefly, and ever since then things
have
been fine; better than ever, in fact. I keep reminding myself that no matter
what,
She is NOT my ex-Verbally Abusive GF, and never will be, so I can’t draw comparisons or be on
hyper-alert for her to turn into a monster.

Of course, the “fuck you” wasn’t very nice; he snapped for a second there, but I
think the best thing to do is drop it, lay back, and see if he heeds your
request to
not be talked to that way. No one is perfect, and we all fuck up at times, but
he
did talk to you about it and apologize; he didn’t take the VA route and blame
you
for being upset at his “joke” or some dumb Verbal Abuse crap like that. So give him a
little
credit there.

There’s a lot of fear in your emails, Vicky. I know it’s hard, but you’re going
to
have to let go of a decent portion of it if you want to build a healthy
relationship
for the future. Accept a few things:
1. All men are not scum.
2. All men are not going to eventually abuse you.
3. There is someone out there, perhaps right in front of you, that you could
have a
lifetime relationship with.

I can certainly understand the feeling of rejection when he goes and does things
without you, but try to think of it in terms of letting him do what he wants,
and
YOU deciding if you can accept this or not. There are some things you just
cannot
get out of certain people; ask for what you want, and if the answer is no, then
think about either accepting it, or moving on.

Honestly, I think both of you are experiencing inner fears that are hampering
any
chances of building trust. He’s got work to do as well. Being in a relationship
means taking some big fucking risks (no pun intended), and before you do that
you
must find out exactly where your fears are, and go down into the canyon and face
the
dragon, baby. And try to be a little more “Zen” about things; don’t
overanalyze…that’s something you learned from being with an abusive asshole a
long
time ago. Ride the wave…be the wave…indulge, enjoy the earthly pleasures,
just
let go, and things will work out fine.

As a final word, Fiance and I have had lots of good talks about the nature of
things with her Ex; and the more we talk, the more I learn, the more I
understand
her feelings about the situation, and that she just plain hates the guy, and
that a
lot of questions I had have been answered. We’ve grown closer because of it, and
things feel good; i.e., there’s more TRUST! Keep COMMUNICATING: that’s the key.

Ahhh isnt he cool?

So this part stood out to me… “you
must find out exactly where your fears are, and go down into the canyon and face
the
dragon, baby. And try to be a little more “Zen” about things;”

Yes I am fearful, and why? I mean what is at the root of my fears? What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of getting close, Im afraid something bad will happen, Im afraid of what I will get myself into.

IM AFRAID OF TAKING A RISK, having FAITH.

I went through a hell of a marriage already and a hell of a divorce, I dont want to end up there again. Im protective. Im afraid of basically having a repeat of the past.

And its basically I am applying what happened in the past too my current relationship. My reactions are those I had with my ex Husband.

How do I undo this? Separate it? Its like when something occurs its hard to connect it, I just know I have a strong emotional reaction, but Im not totally aware at the moment of what it is or where it comes from etc.

I got a private comment the other day and it said something else in it that struck me also….

I was driving into work today thinking about it,, what is it I really want from a partner?

Its like I hated that my ex wanted most of my time, no friends, domineerings, controlling, wanting to be wherever I was, jealous of other men, etc etc.

B is the total opposite of that, and I have always appreciated that quality about him.

Yet I think of Gym Guy, and basically he wants to be the world to me and take up my time and operates much like the ex did, and yes, it does appeal to me, and at the same time it turns me off. Does that make sense? But is that REALLY deep down what I want? Sometimes I think yes, others No.