Its Official

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I went and met with my little ones teacher this AM. Well on a positive note! She has no problems with his academically and she said hes really good in class, hes happy and he smiles. He does have problems at recess, a lot of complaints there, and mainly over playing with the ball, oh yeah, I deal with that one at home with his brother and the neighbor kids. And in the after school program, a lot of fights and problems have stemmed around him playing games/sports/video games.

So it was nice to know that though, so she did ask what his fathers temperament was like, and of course little one is a carbon copy of Dad. I told her hes very impulsive ADHD, we split up 3 yrs ago and Im amazed at the little amount of time he does spend with his Dad, how much he acts like him. Teacher then said….

“Yesterday we were going over the Atlas and flags, and I had showed the children the US Flag, The Mexican Flag and the Canadian Flag. Your son then raised his hand and said “Mrs. K, My Dad would rip up those other flags”

I just shook my head, the teacher was laughing actually telling me this, she just replied “Well, uhhhh your Dad sounds ummm, very patriotic” and she said then the class was all “Whats Patriotic?” Ugh, see, My Ex has become more racist since our split, he used to make racist jokes when we were together, but that was pretty much it. But I should realize after him living with his cousin(whos into White Power) And then saying he was gonna marry that girl who was a White Supremacist just before the holidays, ugh. 🙁 Im dissapointed in him, its personally disgusting to me. So I plan to have a talk with the kids to explain some about racism, heck my kids friends all races, and I dont even want some idiotic comment flying out of their mouths their Dad told them. So I need to have a talk.

Anyways, after talking to the teacher, it is decided I will talk to my therapist about counseling their for little one, basically he has a problem in dealing with frustration, and the notes hes written to me, saying hes stupid and dumb and ugly and all that. His Self Esteem issues. Teacher said she would provide any note that is needed for a therapist on how hes doing in class. She said “Mom, get him some help now, it only gets worse when they get older, and then they can object to counseling” I agreed.

Last night after I got the kids we went to Michaels to get items for my oldest’s Missions Report, its due tomm. We had to get some moss and a few other things, we finished his Mosaic of his mission last night. So tonight we have to glue the 3D mission into place, and he has to write out a 1 page report on his mission.

Little one was pretty good last night, hes just so inquisitive, he will literally sit there for 30 min straight asking you questions if you allow it, hes just learn learn learn, question question question. So at a point you have to say “okay, enough” as he doesnt quit.

I turned in to the office Valentines Day grams for each of the kids this AM, I sure hope they dont mess up again, last year I paid and the kids never got anything.

My little one asked me if I would stay home Mon with them instead of Grandma babysitting, he also asked if I would come to his Vday party. Ugh,,,, I dont think I can do both, but Im just probably going to tell work I need to stay home with them Monday.

Im reading Jens and Floats diaries right now on work, and Im in exactly the same boat in many areas as they are.

I will start my screenwriting class soon, so that will be nice, will break up the monotany of my week, my boss seemed a bit excited Im taking the class and he came and spoke to me and ordered me a book which he left on my desk yesterday.

Im just burning out here, I need to learn more skills, I dont have skills I can take just anywhere, and with the way it is here, Its hard to learn more because people seem so protective to not teach me shit, and boss doesnt really have a clue I think? I dont know, which is why I need to go and talk to him and really lay it out.

I still have no idea what I want to do career wise, and to be honest Id like a plan or a path to follow. I figure first off, see how I like the new college class, and talk to the boss. Then go from there for the next step to see what to do.

I could go and sit down with a college counselor to discuss that.

I have more then double the equity in my house to draw from if Im unemployed, or I need school money, etc. So I have something to fall on to help me.

Sooo umm, what else?

Well, B and I are officially back together. I wrote him a note on a napkin while we were eating, saying “Will you be my boyfriend?” and then little boxes with yes or no next to them and it said “Mark One” sorta like kids in grade school passing notes, we were eating, and I slid it over, he marked it and passed it back with yes marked. 🙂

I went over a big part of examining my fears, how I apply so much Ex husband logic and responses to B, which is why I overly freaked out and paniced over the F you comment. Granted it wasnt cool, but he apologized to me and all of that. But in my head I flashed forward to specific episodes with my Ex Husband and how hed speak horribly and Id see myself there again and go into Defense mode, say NEVER AGAIN and throw up a wall.

I have to allow room for mistakes also and not act as if they are the end all when they happen. I also have to realize if things dont go well, I can end the relationship and walk away and not hang in there forever in misery.

Yes its scary, its scary committing, I totally understand it now, I never did before. How people freak out before getting married, or after the wedding, after a baby, etc etc. After reading that book, Im feeling all those feelings and I see how we can self sabotage things because of fears, and some of us are more passive in our displays and we dont think we have a problem.

So to make things even wierder, Cute Gym Guy had a tv for me he had given to him, he called and said hed give it to the kids and I, as my tv is pretty old and shot and he said stuff like that pops up often left behind at the apartments he works at. So I didnt want to go to the gym yesterday but told him Id come by and get it. So I showed up. Well we walk over to his car and I see flowers “SIGHHHHHH”

He brought me a small pot of “Parrot Tulips” and then a bouquet of flowers, in a vase with etched glass that he told me all about.

Dammit, why does he have to go and be so sweet, but while hes given me the stuff hes saying “Yep, I lost out, now you go and be with your new man, I wasnt good enough” I told him to knock it off. It was awkward, he tells me how he cant stop thinking about me, how he wants me back in his life, etc etc etc.

This is getting to difficult. Im trying to be friends, hes trying to get me back. And I have to have a blunt talk with him, my therapist told me it sounds like it will be easier for me to let him go then him me, and I told B all of this yesterday and he agreed. B said “Vicky, mainly because he says comments like “I lost, he won. You didnt even allow me to fight for you” Vicky you arent an object to be won.”

It sounds romantic and sweet in some regards, and then the other end hes totally disregarding what I have to say. But B reminds me of how Im a big fixation for gym guy since he hasnt dated or been with a woman in 3 yrs, let alone the kind of woman I am, compared to his past. Why would he want to let me go?

So its not going to be fun, it makes the gym awkward, but I have to tell him no more gifts.

They are sweet, I love them and damn they pull at my heart strings. But this is not the path I am to travel at this point in my life. Im willing to explore more with B. I realize how much B and I have invested, and how well he knows me and how I respect so much of who and what he is and how he is with me.

The non judgementalness, I can be an individual, he doesnt try to control me, he doesnt get all jealous, he doesnt want me to make him the universe, but have things in my life also for me. Hes a gentle and kind lover. And yes he is my best friend.

I know we have much to work on, and its going to be tough for both of us, we have much to change still. But we are together more then we ever were.

He was here with me last night, I so didnt want to go to sleep. I feel that way weeknights as he arrives after 8pm, and If we lay down together I get sleepy, and if I fall asleep I will miss him. 🙁 because once we wake up he has to leave.

We were just laying there and I said to him how amazing it is, that we met, all that we have been through together.

Who would have thought?

I called my GF D yesterday, we havent talked since she and her BF came over 2 weeks ago. I wanted to see what she tought of B, She met Gym Guy and said right away “Vicky, I didnt like him, hes not your type” so she said “I liked B, he seemed really nice and intelligent” haha, so good sign. Just always wonder what your friends think ya know since she hadnt met him yet.

We both hate to wake up, B hasnt been leaving before 5am when he stays lately, he just stays and gets into work late, his job is flexible like that just means he will work later, but it sucks, I feel so bad for him and the drive thing. He said hes willing to move out here, I just really do feel bad still, thats gotta suck. But theres no other way around it for us. My job and house are here. I have more things tying me to where I am at, and financially Im okay. With B, if he moves into the picture, wed cut down costs both of us financially if hes helping, his rent is what I pay for my house, except hes just paying half of his share, so hed be paying even less here. But the drive time is what will suck big time.

Well thats it for now.