2 Men

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Ahhhhhh.

So another day,

Sighhhh

Things arent going badly. Its just the not knowing what will come for the future I guess and wishing I knew. But then I wonder if I am just the thing thats holding up my future.

Its like you hear so many opinions on such matters….

“Take your time, your arent married”

or “Youll loose a good thing if you dont decide”

or “How can you do this?”

Or “Dump them both”

You know what I mean?

Everything logically I guess tells me to be with B.

Our outlooks on life, what we both want, how well we can communicate, how comfortable and tender love making is, how we are best friends, and yet Im still apprehensive.

And then Im reminded, even by him “Vicky, I was acting poorly for how long? The last year and a half? Its only been a month and a half, I have a lot to repair, dont expect it so fast”

And then I feel some parts require a leap of faith on my part to, Trust and Faith.

And then theres the Cute Gym Guy.

I have fun with him. I do. Its different.

Yet last night I called him to talk on the phone, we havent talked on the phone really in over a week or more. And its just so difficult. Hes very simple, black and white thinker, me Im not.

So at times Im trying to talk and communicate and he takes everything so off from what Im trying to say, and to be honest, I can see why I just sit there and dont talk. Its like we arent on the same page at all. Ive even expressed that to him, Ive said “This is difficult for me, I dont think you understand what Im saying” and he replies “Your probably right, thats how it is with us retarded people”

And i hate when he says that crap. I never cut him down or anything, he does it himself.

:::Sigh:::

He has been more motivated though, which is a plus, he is making friends, being more sociable, and so last night he told me “You know I could make more $$$$ and do more work but I just havent” I said “Huh?” and he said hes not had any real motivation too, I said “So has that changed?” Hes all “Yeah, I want to do things this summer, I want to get some more work done on my truck, I want to go to the beach, and to the mountains” I said “Whens the last time you went to the beach?” And hes all “Ohhh its been years”

Its just wild, I mean its not like the beach is so far away, yet hes been in this little world here in town and no friends to go out with, so hes just been stuck in the same repetitive way of life.

We talked about how im dating, how I am dating others. He kept saying “Well maybe I should date some women at the gym, Im sure there are some interested in me” And he says stuff like that so weird. He says it to try and get a reaction out of me. He says a lot of things like that. And I just say “Okay” and then he doesnt get the desired effect.

It would be okay if he dated, sure it would be weird if it was in the gym in front of me, but so be it, neither of us are committed.

And in some ways, this guy has so much to learn, I am proud of him, B even said “Vicky, your probably what woke him up” Now hes desiring more of a life, its so cute, he burns candles now. He spackled his walls yesterday he was telling me, he is going to paint his place soon.(YES IT NEEDS IT)

He lives in a studio type place, its small, its not messy mind you, as hes very organized and clean to be honest. Its just packed and his door and windows dont shut tight and the winds blow a lot of dust so it just gets dusty, but the walls look pretty bad, and the carpet on the floor is pretty mangy.

Makes me just wanna come in there and give it a makeover!

But Im seeing hes having the desire to make it look nicer, which is cool you know? I mean when you never have people over, you dont really care.

He apologizes about the way he dresses, looks, eats, his place, etc,,, and to be honest I tell him “I dont care”

He went with me to Costco yesterday after the gym, he was in his workout clothes, so was I. He wears this thermal shirt thats ripping at the shoulders, haha I love it to be honest, so it has these holes, he always gets teased about it. And so hes all “Well I dont have a jacket” he meant to cover it up. I said “So?”

And he just smiles. The guy can dress nice, so hes not a slob, hes a good looking man and he can pull off wearing stuff others wouldnt, sooo?

He just doesnt have enough faith in himself, belief that he is okay, hes insecure basically.

I talked to Gym buddy last night, and told him “I have 2 men now Im dating” Hes all “Good for you!” Im all “No its confusing” he said “Vicky, with B, he screwed up stuff pretty bad, let him make it up, let him do what hes doing, the gifts, the dinners, etc, you deserve that, you put up with a lot, allow it okay? And since you have told them both you are not committed to either, they have a choice also, if they have a problem, they can walk away too you know”

It was weird, as B asked to come help at my sons bday party, then last night Cute Gym Guy said “So am I invited?” blahhh and I just came out and said to him “If you are invited I will ask you okay?”

I dont like self imposed invites. I had a talk with cute gym guy, as he went on yesterday about “When can I see you?” I said “I see you every day at the gym” Hes all “No, outside the gym” and its like my whole freakin week is work, gym, kids/homework time. Then bedtime and Im not gonna get in a habit of 2 men in and out of the house at night, I told Gym Guy this, that I cannot do that I have children.

And then this weekend I will be busy with party prep, house cleaning, shopping, and B is coming out, so heck no do I want BOTH there.

B attended his first Anger Management class yesterday, and he has therapy today. He also went and had blook work done, and all that friday, he got his std and aids test and all before me! I was supposed to go yesterday but I got my period, so Im rescheduled now for Feb 26! grrr for my pap test and all, but I can call each day for an opening , so I will probably do that and hopefully get in sooner.

We have had a little bit of warmer weather and sunny days lately, which is nice, makes me miss summer, I cant wait, trips to the beach again, longer days that dont get dark so early, I love all of that! Wearing different clothes, getting some sun on my pale body. A green lawn and pretty plants growing again.

Yeah I cant wait till it is back to the warm weather!