Where From Here

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I have so many things swirling through my mind. My time each day is so full, its hard to fit everything I need to or want to do in. So I often have to resort to lists to remember what it is I need to do.

I did get to the college yesterday! And I registered! So Im taking the Intro to Screenwriting class! YAY! I finally got that done, if I kept putting it off the classes would be full and Id miss a semester again. So Im so glad I have that done, class will start in February.

I need to make a run to the post office today, I have 4 packages sitting in my vehicle to ship that I need out of my way.

I need to clean my house, I need to check what party Items I have already and make a list of what I need for the bday party this weekend.

The weather has been so nice, wish I had the time to just take off out of town sat with the kids and a friend or something to the beach or around the area, but with the party sunday, I would be over doing it. So that will have to wait.

I sorta wanna take Cute Gym Guy D to Santa Barbara, and they have some awesome parks around there for the kids.

Well last night I spoke to B some online, about his therapy, he went yesterday and I was asking him how it went, he said he discussed how I said I feel pressured at times and the therapist asked him “Do you call her most of the time?” and hes all “Umm yeah I guess so”

Not that I dont. Its just so weird now. B and I phone daily, Ive even started to call him in the AM before work! And then we email all day at work, and usually a phone call in the work day. Then in the evening.

I told B that he can be a bit much, that we will talk at 9pm, and I say I need to get some stuff done and hes telling me to call him back again to hear me before he goes to sleep. I feel in some regards, and its just my feeling, hes trying to keep tabs on me, not allowing me to have alone time or time to see others. And at times it does get frustrating, as last friday he was upset I didnt call him back that eve.

But the other Irony of all of this is….

I went through that! Before B and I broke up, I would try to refrain from calling him. I rarely phoned him at work, he was too busy and not very talkative sounding, I didnt enjoy calling him there.

I called him maybe once every 3 days? And it was a struggle not too, and this is just typical stuff. Like Id go nights without us speaking or and I love you or how was your day. Then when Id call and want to hear him, hed be tired, irritable, not want to talk, tell me he was watching tv or playing a video game and the call would end.

Hes nothing like that now. NOTHING. He used to say “Vicky, its like every time you call you want to talk for a freakin hour” and I even tried to just call, for a brief touch base, 5 min, “I love you, thinking of you” call and those were difficult. Now the man talks to me all the time and doesnt seem to want to stop.

And Me Im like “Back off, give me some time alone, I dont want to talk all the time,,, etc etc” haha we are reveresing roles.

Anyways, so yesterday I was at the gym. Ive been working out with Gym Buddy and his work partner and girlfriend. So yesterday they began talking about Cute GYm guys butt, she was saying “Damn his butt, they should use it to make the mold of a perfect butt” and we just had fun talking and joking around. Yes, he has a nice nice butt, and he gets a lot of compliments about it. Its literally perfect.

I mean when you see him naked you see why hes so confidant walking around nude. His body is beautiful and hes worked hard at it.

He and I just said hello and I had to leave at 5 to head to the college so we didnt talk much at all.

I called him later, but had to go and help kids with homework, he called me later and said “Want some company” and so I told him he could come over about 9pm.

Little one was asleep already but my oldest heard him arrive and came out of his room and snuck up behind him, it was cute, as he played all surprised, and then D picked him up and my oldest was just glued to him hugging him. D brought a Large tin of Christmas Popcorn for the kids that he said will just go to waste.

I had to shove oldest off to bed as he was all happy and excited D was over.

So I worked on a few things, we watched tv, he was massaging my neck and upper back, ooooh it felt good as I worked on upper body/shoulders at the gym that day so it helped loosen up the muscles and the tension. But then he just grabbed me, pulled me on top of him and began to kiss me.

The kissing was nice, he is a great kisser, and passionate, we kiss on the same level. But he was wanting more, I could tell. And Im on my period. So finally I told him since his hands were going everywhere. And he said “No your period is the 25th” He kept track? He remembered last month! I said “Yes but it shifts, sometimes its a few days or a week earlier at times. So he said He was bummed, he wanted to have sex with me. I said “Well youll just have to wait” he replied “Yeah well thats if I even get another chance, you might resort to Plan B ( another man)”

Ugh, here we go again.

I told him that I dont just want to see him for sex, that he places so much importance on it and that I dont always want it. And he said “Well I do, its just how I am, Im a guy” I said “So”

We just laid there awhile, didnt say much.

I dont know how to read him, I dont know where his mind goes, So I tried asking him and hes all “You dont talk to me” and just avoided things with saying I dont talk, or I dont do this or that”

:::Sigh:::

I cannot explain it, as I have never really encountered this before. A person I really feel I cannot communicate with emotionally. I thought my Ex Husband was bad! But this is so difficult I dont even talk, I sit there in my head literally frustrated wanting to almost cry because its so hard to connect with him in some ways. And I dont know what to say.

I have asked him to tell me about his past relationships, about the last woman he dated and he says “I dont remember, too long ago” Or “Theres not much to tell”

And thats it.

He shoots topics down, but says I wont talk? I try, and most things I iniate he shoots down.

It is frustrating.

So we laid there a long time, and I asked him what life was like after he got out of jail, was it hard at first? And he said “Yeah I hated it, i wanted to go back, I dont integrate here, I dont talk like other people, in jail you said what you meant and you meant what you said and it was the same with everyone else”

I was telling him that I see him as his life is just beginning, he laughed at me saying that. I said “You are just branching out, starting to make friends, meet women, broaden your circle, socialize” and he just cut it down and said “I dont have any friends”

And then saying he still keeps to himself, I said “Yeah and you told me you dont date and you gave up on women, well your with me right now arent you?” and he said “Yeah but your the only one, I dont want to be with any other women”

And then he said how hes chained up a part of himself, hes locked away the part of himself that kept him in trouble. And at times he says I dont want to hear what he thinks, or else I would be upset at him.

He said “I know better” in regards to me. He said “I know better, ive let you too close, and I know you feel the same way, I know you have tried to get rid of me, and neither of us wants to loose the friendship”

And we just laid there.

There is a truth to that. Its like I constantly tell myself to let him go. Stop this, dont go any further. Dont continue to see him like this.

And I am drawn back. Yet at the same time, I know being in a relationship with him would be tough for me.

Its probably my fantasy thinking, but when i saw him Sat, I stopped by on my way out of town at his Grandmas place to say hi for a few min, and got invited once again to eat with them. D was so cute, he looked so nice, watching him get all the old ladies there drinks and hand out plates and get my drink. Watching his wise crack jokes that make all the old church gals smile.

We wrapped our legs around one another under the table, we touched one anothers legs, we stood in the kitchen with our arms around one another afterwards as they were looking at News articles,,, its that stuff, funny how I just hold onto those small moments, but they fill so much of what I desire, but those are just a SMALL piece of the time Im with D. When Im with D, its very physical. He is very physical, and it gets tiring to be honest. I dont want to fool around and kiss as long and all of that as long as he does.

He finally went home just before 1am last night.

He told me “I want you to get an AIDS test and I want to see the results myself” I said “Thats fine, I already have my appt to go in” And then he said “I still want to be intimate with you” after he said it. He was so stern faced and all. It felt awkward.

So I sit here today, wondering what Im doing.

Giving myself another Pep talk in the AM that I just need to call it off with D, tell B Im willing to give us a shot.

Yet I tell myself I dont have to decide anything right now.

I belong to neither, they both know I am free to date others, and they choose to see me.

Do I want to stay is this middle ground state?

Or do I want to take the leap of faith and finally move into a new relationship with B, and be serious, and be living together or close together, hes already said he would to me.

I am anxious to see my therapist to talk, that is next week. I need to get some of this out. All she said to me last time I went in about Ex BF was “It sounds like you didnt really break up the way you talk about him”

Interesting, as I had nothing but praise and loving adoration for him and his life changes and how he and I still talk.

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