Hes There
You are Psalms.
Which book of the Bible are you?
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Just got this from FloatsonClouds Diary. Funny the book of the Bible I got, since it was really the last one I spent much time reading through. I was reading the Psalms often when I was going through the Ex Husband junk.
Well Ex BF also known as B, stayed in town yesterday. He came back over around 4:30 after Id gotten home from work. We cleaned the kitchen, did dishes and all. Then we started to TALK.
Granted we do talk a lot, but I was talking about my Fears with him. And well, Ive been reading the book “Getting to Commitment” which has helped me with some areas. How I retreat with men into Fantasy thinking, and another part of the book was “Letting yourseld be known” and that was another big one. I compartmentalize my life. And the way that B and I have been, the distance and lack of time factor, its like Ive lived different lives and Ive kept some very private and to myself.
Ive also kept men on the back burner, when my needs are not met, I could easily talk to one of my guy pals and have a place to get my needs met. Which isnt necessarily a good thing, I started this behavior during the last few years of my marriage to cope. And well its become a pattern ever since. When things arent going right, when I have a bad day, there always someone else to go to on the side to talk and cry too.
I really was having a battle with myself, saying “Can I be faithful?” And that is why Im afraid to even commit to B again.
And so,,,,, yesterday,,,,, I opened up, and I talked. I talked about this part of me. I talked about how I am and have been, I talked about having men to talk too, I told about my crush on my school teacher. All these things that were occurring during our relationship.
It was so scary for me, I was afraid, I was afraid to open up and admit these things about myself.
And once I said them he said “Vicky, dont you think I have thought about that with you? Dont you think I know your track record? Dont you remember when you went back to your husband twice I hurt and was angry and resentful towards you?”
And I said “No? You didnt say anything, you didnt express it to me” And hes all “Well thats because I was so caught up trying to be STRONG, never let a woman see you vulnerable or weak crap”
He told me how he did meet up with a woman, and she came over and they began to make out and he couldnt go any further and he said it was just weird and they talked and went to a movie instead.
He said how he tried calling an old “F buddy” but she was in a relationship.
Hes all “Vicky, dont just think I sat there pining away for you, yes I was hurt, yes I wanted you back, but Im human also”
Just after I broke up with him just recent he got handed a phone number at a Casino party by a woman who asked if he had a girlfriend, and he did call her, and he planned to go meet her but it was raining the day he was to go over and he just called her up and cancelled and said they havent spoke since.
Hes all “Vicky, I have people out there too, dont you think when I was upset I had women I could talk to online also who fed my ego or said nice things to me?”
And well, I guess I just felt like some horrible person, that he was just so strong and wanted only me and I didnt feel as strong, etc etc.
We just laid so much out, shared so much, it was scary as all hell. But it was freeing. I was unlocking a secret part of myself. Letting him in. Hes all “Vicky when you think of US and being back together you refer to it as “GOING BACK” I dont see it that way, I dont want to go back to what we had.
And so he keeps reminding me that its different now. And he asked me if Im willing to work on those areas I struggle in. I said “Yes”
Hes all “Vicky as much as you fear being faithful or doubting me or will I revert back to the way I was…. dont you think I fear messing up, that I have a big load to carry, that I cant fuck up? I cant let you down? Hell Im walking a whole new path in my life now also, and its not gonna be totally smooth all the time”
We made dinner, we sat on the couch, we cried, we hugged….But after it all I looked up to him ever more, I valued his words, I appreciated his honesty and understanding.
It took trust to share the things I did. As we covered how my Ex husband was. And the fears and walls and defenses I built up. Because when I shared my weaknesses and struggles my ex husband would yell, punish, ignore, use it against me. So I learned to just stop.
And in some ways I felt a sense of jealousy. Not in a bad way, I think in a good way. That he isnt sitting around just waiting for me and I dont have him up at some silly sainthood level just waiting for me. And it was nice in a way to be woken up and see reality.
He said “Vicky I love you, I think we have a good thing, I think we can make it, but if you see that is not the case, that is okay too, you just tell me, and even if we decide to get back together, dont ever feel you have to cheat and lie to me, if you want to go, the door is open to walk out, just tell me you want out”
We just laid there together last night, I made up invites for my little ones bday party this next weekend, he put them in the envelopes. We had chocolate and milk in bed while watching couples Fear Factor. He comments on how cute the couples are and the sweet things ones do or say for the other.
I just keep telling him how amazing he is, how hes changed. I can dictate the negative old side of him, and now its so different, hes positive, optimistic, caring.
And he wants to help me with the birthday party for my youngest.
When he left this AM, I cried a little, was sad to see him go. I even told him “Do you realize, this was the first time you came up to stay with me the same day I left to go home from your place on a weekend?” Because I typically leave his place sunday to get my kids and then back to my alone life. Only this time he was out at my place within 2 hrs, there with me and the kids, there on his day off, its very different, but good.