Need to Talk to Him

Dear Diary,

Just sitting here tonight, a lot is pouring through my mind, well it has been throughout the day, several days, but in the eves it gets worse.

So I guess there are some things I need to say to B, I want to talk to him. I tried calling him twice tonight, not sure if Ill even get the opportunity to talk to him tonight, so that kinda sucks, But I guess I just want to put some thoughts here of what I want to say.

The lack of time to come see me, and how when I have free time I see him as much as I can. And our distance and amount of time together.

I guess it was feeling good here for a bit, that I was seeing him, he was saying comments about needing to come see me more, making effort once a week on a work night.

Its not like we see eachother every day. So to me I dont feel wanting to see him on the weekend is to much. But maybe it is for him, and well I dont do well with this, and so, we need to just cover that, either reach a compromise with something or see that this isnt going to work.

Second, the sex thing, the lack of interest and desire. The statements hes made when I question him about it, and the responses, well they arent adding up.

And well I guess I just want to say, is it the pornography? Are you wasting your desire on your hand and images? Because Ive just never been with a man I am so having to beg to have sex with at times, who isnt interested in romantic kinky get aways and all that. So somethings up, and well I need him to come clean with me about what it is. Wether he will or not? I dont know but Im not gonna take his excuses anymore, somethings up and I need him to be up front and honest with me.

So its so easy to think, thats enough! Im out, but I have to discuss these things, thats the right thing to do, because I cant assume his response right?

Im feeling extremely lonely this weekend. Mr Comedy put his buddy on tonight to tease and flirt with me. I had heard about this guy before, but I guess hes gonna be a new roomte with him. Mr Comedy is moving this week to a big house and there will be 4 roomies, and this guy is one, he sent me his pics tonite. 🙂 Hes cute, but hes 27, around same age as B. Hes a guitar playing, and well the pictures, omgosh hes like a total model looking guy, Mr Comedy put him on the phone with me tonite. God I have no idea if the guy would even find me attractive, but it was just fun to talk to him tonight.

I have next weekend Free, B is going to a concert, so Im set on going out (Dont I say this each time B goes somewhere and end up stuck at home??)

ive seriously got to change that!

Mr Comedy said “Come down, stay at the new place with us, we can go out, we can go up the coast, we can go to Vegas, etc etc” And well, maybe I will? I tend to chicken out at times, and I have no idea how the talk with B will go and how I feel later, but for now just playing around with ideas.

Im just not happy with the extent of the relationship with B. I love him, I just want there to be more. And I cant keep sitting and wishing and waiting. I have to say what I need, be clear, and see what he says, and see if this can work you know? Its scary. 🙁

God I hate the feelings with a break up. I so want to avoid them, they scare the hell out of me. And I dont know if I can do it, if I can handle it, so I shy from them. I guess part of me just wants to melt into meeting someone else. Its makes the transition easier? I dont know, maybe not? It just that you dont have to feel so alone, you have the comfort to run to, but in a way thats running away from myself dontcha think? Not dealing but just running to someone else.

Not that I have anyone, Im just lonely.