Our Letters

Dear Diary,


I wrote B a letter this AM, he just wrote me back. Dang Im all freakin emotional this AM, like really bad, and its so not PMS time. I dunno whats up with me. Ive been having to keep wiping away tears from my eyes n stuff. And I just had a brief talk with the boss man about my vacation time. About protocol to use vacation time. I basically wrote and said what days I was taking off, and he said “To ask” Which was my bad totally. And he wasnt all upset or anything at me about and said I understand this is your first real job, its ok. And he was more concerned who would handle my stuff when I was gone, but he wasnt aware of what days they fell on and that Id be in on the important day for my stuff. And basically anything else would fall over the weekend, and just tell people Id be in Tuesday if they had a email. And that is that. So its all squared away. But it feeds into exactly what Im writing about with B. I feel like a failure, insecure, and its all my own insecurities talking here, Im all overly apologetic, feeling like I wanna cry. Bleh, when boss said its cool, heres the deal, and he was cool with me about it. Ugh I hate being in my head at times. I seriously gotta get over some of this old insecure crap with myself.


Soooo, anyways, heres the letter I sent B and his response…. 🙂

Morning B,

I just wanted to thank you for the talk last night. Some things were said that just hit me, that clicked, you know how that happens at certain moments?

Im not all thrilled at all our differences, Well let me rephrase that, I just wonder how some of our differences can mesh together? Thats all. And when something doesnt mesh it scares me, I project ahead and see doom. Why I do that? I still am not sure.

I was writing this AM, and well, I guess ultimately in what was said last night was you had told me you love me no matter what is going on, If your angry, we are disagreeing, tell eachother off, that i need to have more Faith. And you are correct in my lack of Faith at times.

The very thing I craved, cried, begged for with Ex was unconditional Love from him. A word he didnt like, an action, resulted in ignoring me for days, shunning me, punishment. And I think it goes hand in hand with the church. So much judgement, that I think its why Im so afraid at times to say things, Im afraid of old results, and that is where I tell you that I am afraid to speak up at times, because Im already waiting for the axe to fall before theyve even exited my lips.

Then on the other hand I feel Ive become some of what Ex was, that Im being conditional, and I guess it baffles me at how I have taken on some of the very things I dispised? How on earth did that happen????

Thank you for your reminders that it is safe for me to talk to you, to tell you things, to speak even when its not all good or happy or positive.


Anyways, did this make sense? Just know that I love you, and thank you for being there, and for walking with me.

Victoria


His letter back,,,

=0)

You are welcome. Thank you for the same things, for being there, for listening, sometimes prying and walking with me as well.

I know you care and I know at times I dont make sense but I do… if that makes sense.

Im not saying that things that you say wont ever upset me or piss me off, but there is a differance between being upset and being done. Being upset is a temporary emotional state that changes in time. Sometimes it is great enough to destroy things, but only if those things are weak ya know? Being angry isnt a bad thing, not the end, its just being upset, or passionate about something. that is all.

(As a side note, the women in my office are sexually harrassing my ass today, saying” You look black from the back” =0/)

I got a letter from my sister today… she went off on my mom…

“My Boyfriend and I are moving to Long Beach

the first weekend of June :o) I am really happy. I just told mom last

night and you know what she said??? She said that to be sure to get all my

stuff out of the house because she will never let me move back again!!!

What an ungrateful bitch. I am beginning to see why you dislike her and

have no relationship with her. I am seriously considering not talking to

her after I move. Just let her die alone in that house if that is what she

wants. She is a horrible mother and I see why I have emotional problems.

It is not all her fault, I know but she has something to do with it”


……it was weird to hear her say some of these things. She has always been my moms little lap dog, and violently opposed anything negative I have ever had to say about mom or my family. Denial is so cute sometimes.

She wanted to know when we are getting married, assuming we re still together….LOL =0X.

Anywho. I was a lil late to work today so I need to paly catch up. Loves ya babe


🙂 Laters

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