Dont Trust B?

Dear Diary,

Morning. Ive had like about 4 hrs of sleep. And I woke up and cant go back to sleep! It sucks. I feel really crappy.

SOOOOO. My life is good in all other areas(job, kids, house,) but as far as my boyfriend? And just having friends. NO!

I confronted Music Dude on Friday later when he logged back on as to why he asked me to come hang out, I asked him if he was just looking to hookup and dont BS me. That I was hurt I drove out, then went home cause he said he was depressed going to bed, then he tells me he went out and had fun. Hes all “Oh dont be mad at me, at least I went out, you should be happy I went out” I told him I was, but that Ive been at home, looking to get out, I drive down there, and then turn around and head back. Anyways, he said “Dont be mad at me, it wasnt like that, I didnt hook up with anyone” Whatever, I hate to say it, but I dont believe it, not to say he did find a “Hookup” but Im sure he attempted too.

So I was pissed off at him. I was pissed off at B. I tried my girlfriends, nobody was free, So I sat on my computer friday night, I went to the gym that eve, costco and bought myself flowers and some new Nike’s for working out in.

And I sat at home eating cookies playing on the computer like a LOSER.

Saturday I was determined not to repeat that and go out somehow. Mr Obnoxious nor Mr Comedy were online that day, they are the good ole standby guys, but didnt see either of them. I ended up meeting a female! In the local chat room who wanted to go to the bar here, so we started talking about going together. Shes 26, been here a year, said its hard to make female friends, and we really seemed to click! So we were gonna talk in an hour more about going to the bar, well 5 min later she signs on and says “Hey my friend called me and we are gonna meet up so Im gonna have to cancel” Of course I was annoyed, I got all excited, then another let down.

So here I am, playing online, dressed to go out and my hair done and all, but still have no idea what Im gonna do.

Well she signs back on an hour later, says her friend flaked on her, turns out it was an online guy. She apologized for flaking on me like she did and changing plans, I asked her if she still wanted to go out, she said she had a few drinks and was buzzed. Said lets go out another weekend.

So Im in the chat room, and this guy is talking to me, he seemed nice, asked me where my man was, and started to say “Why didnt you go with him?” and the whole speech. I said he didnt want me to go and told me, that I was just home doing nothing, trying to get out of the house. So he says “Wanna meet and have drinks?” So you know what I did? I said OK. He was cool and offered to meet halfway, which is B’s area. So I picked a restaraunt/bar. So we met at 10pm.

Hes was a guy who works in Film Industry in Hollywood. 25 yrs old. Well he was very nice, we had great conversation. I called ahead of time and found out the bar was open till 2am. So I figured have one drink when I arrive, and some food and Id be fine to drive home. Hes from Missouri, actually close to where all my parents family, my relatives are from. He grew up on a farm, has parents who are totally in love in their late 50’s and said they are the cutest thing, and he was just really fun and seemed down to earth kinda guy, Hes only had 5 yrs in Cali, but been in Hollywood for 2.

So we are talking, and he paid for the meal and wouldnt even let me offer, cut me off, but then says “So you ready to call it a night?” And well what was I gonna say “no?” And hes all ready to go at 11:30. I dont know what my prob is, but he said he wanted to walk me to my car, and I just shoulda told him I couldnt leave yet, would hang out in the restaraunt for awhile since I just had a drink and Im a lightweight, But I didnt and let him walk me to my car, hugged him goodbye.

So I sat there in my vehicle in the parking structure, and I just called Mr Comedy, he was at a wrap party for Pirates of the Carribean, noisy and loud, he could barely hear me so I hung up. He called back 5 min later saying he had to find a quiet spot to talk to me.

Hes all “Victoria! What is up with you! With people flaking on you or going home early!” I said “I dont knowww! I dont put out?” and he started to laugh. And I just started saying FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK BRYAN! FUCK MUSIC DUDE, FUCK THE DUDE I JUST MET!

He told me I should be fine to head home, I told him I wanted to wait a little bit, just hang out and talk on my cell. I then called Mr Obnoxious. Turns out his computer crashed, he went to a Kings game, and was just home. He begins to tell me “Victoria leave the dark side(meaning B) You have everything I want.” and he said “I know but B is great in the sack” He told me I have a great heart, and was just super sweet, asking what happened to us?” My attraction to him was from 5 yrs ago. Weve just remained friends since. I love the guy, but he just isnt what I want. He likes kids, he says he adores me, treats the woman hes with like a princess. Blah blah blah, why cant I just go for him? Its the attraction/chemistry, bleh I dont want him in that way. Wish I COULD!

Mr Comedy ended up calling back when he left the party and talked to me some more, told me to head on over, I said no I wanted to go home. So I hung up, it was 12:30 am, and well? I drove to B’s house. Figuring I can crash there, its close. The place is always open, and he says I can come over anytime, so why not? So I did, and well. I have to admit to snooping into his computer history.

He has “Evidence Eliminator” so usually theres nothing there. Well there was history for past 2 weeks, and found all these browsing women in his area yahoo personals he viewed, A LOT OF THEM, then found he visited another site of “Casual Encounters, Women seeking men” Found he was on Match.com, found he at another adult site I questioned him about last year and he told me “Oh a coworker said i look like a guy on there so I was just looking at his pic to see”

And I was just nervous as all hell, sitting there going thru his history. I pulled out the journal he has. He has let me read all this stuff, so I was reading back when we first got together, the beautiful entries he wrote, about me, his feelings for me, heck after the first night talking about how he needs a better job so he can provide for me if things go that way???

He wrote about the breakup with his ex and going to therapy.

I so miss that man, He stopped writing in his journal around then end of 2001. B as been journaling for years, even before we got together, its been a part of his life. And hes just STOPPED.

I just sat on his bed and cried. I didnt know how to feel, I thought “What is going on with us???” Here Im off trying to find others to hang out with cause Im so lonely, and hes looking for “Casual encounter” Ads. Not too mention I know he views porn to masterbate to, but MY GOD, the extent of porn sites visited!

I stayed at his place till 3am, the baby of the family kept crying, I felt hurt, and didnt want to be in B’s room, wanted to go home, so I left. I couldnt sleep either. I spoke to Mr Comedy all the way home, he said “Victoria, look, you arent looking for sexual hookups, you want companionship, and hes not providing that in the way that you need” I was saying It was wrong of me to snoop, but I did it anyways. And should I say something to him? He said No, and I said it just feels strange.

B hasnt called me at all this weekend, which is no surprise. But its just the difference in what I am and want. I call him when Im places, saying I love and miss you, miss him when hes gone. And no call nothing, and then viewing those sites hes been on, making me all distrustful of his Vegas trip, him telling me “Good I dont want you to go” over dinner the week before. Not even saying “Hey babe, your free, come along” But I try to be cool, guys need a weekend out with other guys, and this is first time hes done this in over 2 yrs of us dating.

I dont know what to do with myself. Im so freaking afraid to let him go, I love parts of B. But at the same time feel this is so doomed. Yet I dont want to leave, and Ive been a person who had someone, and B was there right for me to transition into. And I guess I dont want to be alone, yet I dont meet people I find too worthwhile, then I all the more miss B when I meet others because I like how it Feels safe with B to some degree.

So Im just emotional right now, been crying, and I know people will say Just dump him, you deserve better.

Im scared, Im not able to do it you guys, Im just not, so I ask, what is wrong with me?????

🙁