What kinda Wedding?

Dear Diary,

Well Im downing my second bottle of water. I am thirsty and that drinking can get one dehydrated. Plus Im getting over this viral thing or whatever it is. I took some garlic the other morning and I think it gave whatever I have a good punch cause I started to feel better by the end of the day. So I need to take more of it.

Mmmmm gonna make some more Salmon tonite, its on sale right now and it was soo soo good the last few times Ive had it.

Well I just put in a call to the attorney office, They still havent receieved all of my paper work from my previous attny. GRRRR. And I have a feeling maybe they dont have it all? Or who knows what?? What the old attnys office did with it all. Basically all my records of financial things Ive paid the whole entire year of 2001 that we were legally separated, and bills that are both ours and have his but I have handled them all(community debts, childcare, and non paid support amounts) And I wasnt smart enough at that time to make 2 copies of everything. Grrr so I really hope I dont have to start all over and do it all again.

Ok just got a call back already and my old attnys office said they will mail it to the new one, SIGH, thats more like, “We will get around to it eventually answer” So I asked to be called once they receive the rest of my file.

Well I was thinking about my friend whos getting married soon. Thinking again in my little fantasy world about if I ever get married again. I do have those dreams. The other part of me is so scared to combine my assets with another again. It scares me. Mainly because I know where I came from and what I had to deal with for so long with my ex. He was financially abusives, big time. So it is so freeing for me to not have to worry any longer about him charging or running up debt that I am also responsible for. I dont have to cry and say We cant afford that!

And now I have to deal with that aspect in my divorce. Granted Im fortunate thats its really only the house that is left to settle. We didnt have investments and Retirement plans and all that type of stuff.

But yes I know I will be better off financially. I know I will start to live better, I know Im good with money and a good worker. I want to start investing and all of that. Plus I have 2 children. I dont want us to loose our safety net. I want to protect. Now I totally understand Pre Nups.

I want to share my life with someone though, but Im not sure in what form at this time. And Im sure with time it will change, as I grow and heal from the life I once lived.

But yes, the idea of marrying a person you are truly in love with is a wonderful thought. How I married the first time as a young girl doing it for moral reasons(we were having sex outside of marriage) So we had to get married.

I keep having this very Robin Hoodish type wedding fantasy. Something outdoors, very airy and trees swaying in the wind, a flowy dress with the headpiece with flowers in it. Saying vows to a man that I really feel within my heart and sharing that before all. Not just copying the vows dictated by someone, but my own written from my heart ones. Ok dangit Im gonna make myself cry now!

And I think back to my friends wedding reception years ago. They did the whole outdoor theme, it was freezing out though, and it started to rain so they had to move the reception into a large horse barn, complete with stalls they cleaned out, and the put in heat lamps and set up the food and tables. It wasnt utlra fancy or elegant, but the rustic look of the white washed barn, strewn with white lights inside. It created this really warm cozy atmosphere, and we all danced into the night, close together, all of us enjoying, there was no alcohol at this wedding, but we all partied the night away and it was wonderful. Im not sure though that it was just the place it was in, sure it added to it, but it was the people that were there, and the couple, it was a joyous time to celebrate.

It was cute too, as cake toppers they had a Duplo type bride and groom lego people on top of the cake, but if you knew this couple it was soooo Them.

I miss them 🙁 And I always think fondly on this guy, he was close to ex and I, the pastors son. And we lived next door to one another for awhile also. I always admired him and of course I found him attractive. 🙂 But its one of those weird things. Because the way he was, the way he looked, well, B resembles him. There mannerisms, the way they speak, the both have the glasses, receding hair lines, but they are intellectual types, very warm and personable, I think of how wild it is the resemblances between these 2 men.

Yes I have wondered about B and I. Will we be together down the line. I dont really know. I just know that I do love him, and things are changing, my God in the matter of a week he has driven out 3 times! And I didnt even ask him to ask last night! I had told him the other day he was here that it was ok to come over and see me, that Im telling him its cool with me to stop by.

Okay change of subject. I need to call my sister soon. She called the other day and left a message. And my mom and dad went down for a bday party of her kids and got lost with directions and ended up not making the party. Well Im not sure what happened that Im missing, but my mom called my sis that evening to tell her what happened and she said “You sister is MAD at me” Now you have to know my family. I havent really ever seen any of my siblings vocalize being MAD at my parents. So I said “Why is she mad?” She said that she was upset that they didnt come down and were very hurt” Im thinking, it was a mistake? How can my parents help getting lost, but my mom said my Dad left a note on the door to their home( i guess they waited there awhile to see if theyd return) so my mom has no idea what my dad wrote, and my Dad does say weird stuff at times. But I also know my sister is having a lot of weird feelings about Mom with her therapy, shes unearthing a lot of the bad things as a child and she told me she has a hard time with seeing Mom right now. So I think shes really sensitive and all to my mother. Which I have just never heard and I know my mom is kinda at a loss, she said she wrote my sister an apology letter the following day. So now I wonder what my sis wants to say, since she called me. I just hope they can get it ironed out.

Well Im off again!