Talked to B

Dear Diary,


Well its about 10:30. Gonna head to bed after I write this. I did get a brief nap today tho, thank goodness!


Well when I logged offline this AM after writing my entry and talking to J, I had a voice mail. It was B! I was shocked! And right before I logged off Mr Comedy was saying “Call his hotel!” Im like NOOO! Hes probably sleeping, he had the concert and drinking and gambling, you dont call people early in vegas ya know?


So B left a really long message. Said He loves me, was thinking of me, missed me, wished he had me snuggled up to him in his bed, wanted me to know he was thinking of me, wishes I was there, and said how he lost $300 gambling and would be heading out soon but he had a good time.


I guess I did feel a lil better hearing that message, and that he did call me. I paged him back, but he didnt get it, his pager didnt work in vegas. He said he would stop by and see me on his way home and would try calling me before they left.


So nothing more, well I missed his call later about stopping by ( I was napping) 🙁 So he didnt think I was home and left messages on my home and cell. So I was bummed about that part.


So he called when he got in, and told me about his weekend. They went walking the strip and drinking the first nite, came back at midnite and slept, got up early, gambled, ate, went to the concert, then went to a strip club he said that was very expensive and they stayed there awhile cause they spent so much to get in the door. Yeah it was weird to hear this, yet I have mixed emotions ya know?


I know B isnt all big on the strip club thing, hes told me before in the past, he used to go with friends, and he finds it so crappy, women making nice and acting all interested in you trying to get cash from you, then the minute your cash is gone they are gone.


So he said that he bought his buddy a $40 lap dance. I was all DANG! I went to the male stripper nite in town and they were $5 lol, and it was like 5 min. He said it was 15 min. And I have no idea if they were fully nude. He said naked, so Im guessing they were????


Then B said he bought a $25 one.


I mean he is open and shares with me, which is cool, its just weird, it does feel strange, yet I know he loves me?? Ughhh.


So I told him about my nite, meeting up with the guy, and getting depressed, crying and being upset, calling Mr obnoxious, upset and hurt at him for not asking me to go, and his comments to me about going. I told him I went to his place (just not the computer stuff)


After I got done he said “Im an asshole, I shouldnt have called this AM huh? Shoulda kept the streak going” I said “Stop that” I said “Look Im not mad that you went to Vegas, Im more hurt about your comments about me the week before and how you didnt want me to go” And he said “If you wanted to go speak up and tell me” And I said “Well how would you feel when your being told “You cant keep up with my idea of fun, and good I dont want you to go?” And we just had a discussion about how we both think differently, and how harsh Bs words can be at times, and how I receive them.


We talked thru it well, and I told him next time hes taking me.


And I knew B was jealous over the guy thing. He said “Ahh he left early, he had other things in mind” And I told him Mr Obnoxious’s comment “What are you doing? Why are people flaking early on you??” Im like “Cause I dont put out???” and B is all “Exactly” and he said it was good I met the guy halfway and didnt go into his territory, that guys are different when you are in their area.

He was very sweet to me tonight, he was quiet for a little after I told him how I felt, but I think all in all we talked thru it well.


I was just thinking today, about how I really do know he loves me, seriously I do, and I do love him. Theres no doubt about it.


Thats what makes it all so hard. And its not that either of us are bad people. Its just our backgrounds, communication, we are so different, and it creates friction trying to meld the worlds together. When people come from different pages and see things in their way. Relationships are WORK!


A LOT OF WORK! I watch Dr Phil often, and I really think he says a lot of great things about relationships. And I heard him say one time something like in a relationship a big majority of the issues go without resolve, and they cant be resolved, but its a COMPROMISE. And how things are negotiable. And I guess those are the skills Im trying to learn and practice. Like I told B on the phone, “Its just your comments can be so harsh at times” And I said “That is why I tell you shhhh” And he said “Yeah I need more practice with that” I was proud of myself at the dinner when I told him “STOP” he did. And actually thats in the “Verbally Abusive Relationship” Book, I still need to buy it! But it had things to do in situations, how to handle them differently. And well it does work. B doesnt keep going or insist. I actually find he listens, and seems to respect me for doing do. And Im learning about setting my own boundaries.


This weekend I went to the mall, I went to Fredericks and Victoria’s Secret to look at lingerie n stuff. And I just didnt find much that appealed to me, I dont know, its so strange with B, Ive never really bought any lingerie nor rarely do any of that with him. I did with my ex, he used to beg me to put my stuff on, because often times I didnt want to, wasnt in the mood, but I would go out and buy things around holidays or for trips. I enjoyed that. I just dont hear much express of interest from B I guess? And even when I have something sexy like a new bra or what have you, hes so quick to remove it. I seriously have some things to teach the guy I tell ya. haha. I really like when a guy is slow, when you still clothed, but he slowly undresses you, and touches you and kisses you all around the places underneath, that works me up and I miss that type of stuff, and I know, I have to tell him, he wont learn unless I tell him ya know? We just want our partners to get this stuff, and we are all on different pages a lot of the time. I do wonder what lurks in B’s mind sexually, what he would like to do, only things I ever hear hinted are he thinks black leather stuff is sexy on women (Ive never owned any and I think it looks eww on me, but who knows?) and he said once he could get into the whole bondage stuff, but at the same time it scares him how far it could go. So hes like afraid to explore that side but I know there is a interest?


I dont mind aggressive sex, but iM not into the whole control, domination, and humiliation stuff. I feel Im very open minded, I just find myself holding back with B, you kinda feed off the energy of your partner, I would prefer to be more impulsive with sex. I liek to have it in places outside of HOME, I like taking trips. I like foreplay while driving, Im into all that kinda stuff. I like to play, and well, I swear at times, as much as B says I cant handle his type of fun or thinks i cant, He has no idea my world either and I think Im more wild then he is!


So anyways,


I got the kids back, they were good, 🙂 Better this time YAY! And sweet lil boys tonight, they go back to school tomm. Our shedules have been so wacky while they were off track! But I think it was good for all of us! Kids got to spend more time with their Dad. They got to visit many relatives, I got a nice break, ex got more time with them and got more reality of parenting. He even told me other night that others are giving the kids too much sugar, even my sister and he told them to stop! HAha! My ex said that! And friday night the little one was having a dream, he has dreams where he appears awake and is walking but hes not really awake. He also talks out loud in his sleep often and has ever since I can remember. So it freaked my ex out. Just funny when things are so normal to me. And Ex is getting his first glimpse of spending real time with his kids and dealing with these things.


I loaded up rest of his stuff, so Mom and I have to get two heavy things out this week ex wanted, and then Im done! But ex already told my Mom “Some tools are missing” Oh geeze! I have dumped every drawer! What on earth, and he had this big hook, it was heavy, and he told my Mom “I have more of these” and I told my Mom, I found 2, and I put them in there! Like I would wanna hide some weird big heavy hook? So I just hope he doesnt get all stupid. I gave everything, he left me one small tool box when he moved away, told me I could keep it and the stuff in it, so that is all I have. So what he is saying, oh just ignore him. Here I pack all his stuff and hes whining still. And I gave him things he didnt even ask for. Found some mugs in the house, childhood games of his, christmas items, just various things. Im sure Ill run across more things down the line as I go thru stuff, but whatever is visible and there I have handed it back over, and anything tool and materials related?? I really have no use for. I kept the chainsaw, so whats the deal ya know and one ladder.


Did I mention I got my letter in the mail for the court date to settle all the matters and I believe it will be my “Officially divorced Date” April 28th!!!!!


So its finally approaching! YAY!


I just hope nothing postpones it, Ill call the attny this week, they want me to come in to draft the legal settlement agreement. And well I need to have them call the ex, since he said hed sign as soon as hed get the garage stuff, so Ill tell them to call, I have a feeling he may stall or ask for more stuff, who knows, but will find out!


Ive been thinking on my looks alot. Just unhappy with lots of things, and they bug me and I want them to change. Just wish I was wealthy enuff to afford so many things!


I hate my thighs, the cellulite on my upper thighs. Im not heavy or anything, but its just the texture ya know? And theres not a whole lot you can do about it, and so it makes me self conscious in shorter shorts and bathing suits. Im so bugged by it!


If I had the money Id go have those massages they do to help break up the fatty deposits and improve the texture. But I dont have the income.


And this breaking out crap! Has gotta go! I swear, I break out along my jawline and up by my ears, the girl at the spa place told me back by the ears and all is usually stress related. Im using all the products but still the break outs are the same, and if I went to a dermatologist Id have to pay cash, I dont have that type of coverage. I just wish I didnt have all these break outs. 🙁


I alreade made a new facial appt. Want to try going once a month, to see if it helps my skin. And see what the sun and warmer weather does. I sweat more, and the sun seems to help with the breakouts. I remember reading somewhere that Marilyn Manson had bad acne in high school and the dr said to go to a tanning bed. And he did and it did help Marilyn said. How funny is that!


So the sun does seem to clear it up. But I also want to take care of my skin and keep it hydrated and all. Oh Im so self centered eh? I guess my main goal for now is to push myself harder in the gym, start sculpting my body. Getting nice abs can happen, will just take some work, and if need be, I can talk to the trainer, but Im gonna see how well that I do now that Im putting the focus on and working them. Just gotta stick with it.


Well back to the same ole routine tommorow! Later

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