Therapy, Class, N Stuff

Dear Diary,

Goodmorning.

Well I feel pretty good today. Didnt have kids last nite or this AM. I went to therapy after work yesterday and told her I was doing much better then my last visit and explained why and my realization of my panic/anxiety. And she had me give scenarios of what I meant. Turns out they have a weekly support group for Panic/Anxiety issues! I was so thrilled, she gave me the flyer and it turns out its the same night as my college class. 🙁 But I kept the flyer so after the class is over I can see if I can attend then.

We spoke about my ex briefly. That I did have scenarios with my ex where my boundaries were not respected when I said No. For example him tickling me with no end and me begging him to stop to the point of trying to hit him physically to get him off, and him just laughing and pinning me down, to me breaking down into hysterical tears because I couldnt take it any longer. My counselor said that yes in fact my anxiety does stem from some things with him and we have to dig into that further so as not to discredit my fears about my ex.

But we discussed my thinking, how my mind works, how I feel like people are thinking something about me, and the things that run through my mind. She had me share examples and she was like WOW, when I told her how my mind works. She then got a book out on Adult Children of Alcoholics and had me look at characteristics and read them and say if I felt these applied to me. I told her yes half of them. We discussed both my parents and my fathers alcoholism.

We also discussed B and I’s communication.

So we will dig in further next time since each session only allows so much time, she wants to dig further into my thought process and what runs through my mind. I also told her about my sis in therapy now also for many of the same types of issues and finding they stem from our home life.

I really like her. She asked me a question “Do you feel you arent good enough?” in response to how I think people think negatively of me, or how growing up I said “I had to be the good girl” But it sounded like I was a good girl, so why do I constantly fear judgement and go places in my mind saying people are thinking negatively towards me? So Ive been pondering on that and have some things to jot down for her.

I then had my class last night. We discussed the origin of photography, and then we watched a film. It was an Italian movie with Subtitles. I really liked it. It was called “Cinema Paradiso” and I was all sniffly and watery eyed at the end. About a boy growing up with a love for film and sneaking in to watch movies, take films clips he found on the floor that were edited from the projection booth, and just how this love for film applied to his life. It was more involved then what Im saying. I have no idea if I can find it in a video store since the teacher told us many films we will NOT find in a rental place that we will see. But Id love to show it to B.

I also invited B out. He said he would come. 🙂 YAY! And he was there when I got home from class. We just snuggled up. He was asleep quickly which was fine he had to get up at 4am for work!We watched the Robert Blake interview, I was bummed that I fell asleep during the last part of it.

I didnt know Robert Blake was on the Little Rascals!

He talked about growing up, and yes I believe he is pretty out there, but man when you hear stories of what happens to children, how their parents raise them, Ugh it just ticks me off, makes my heart ache. Not to say Im super parent myself, but I guess I cannot imagine having a child and not hugging them or showing them affection. Robert Blake was never touched by his Mom and his ability to entertain starting out as a child was what brought him affection, people loved him, picked him up, thought he was cute, etc. Which he was adorable as a child. I think of B how he went thru this same type of crap. Just totally ignored, not loved. I make sure my kids get plenty of hugs daily, they are told I love you, I hug them goodbye at school and say I love you. Its such a part of our lives, and yes I didnt hear it as a child myself really, but I did get affection and hug. And I made sure with my own kids they would HEAR those words, they will never have to wonder or doubt, I want them to know they are special and loved.

B has a big day, working all day then going out of town for a late nite part time job, he wont get in till around 3am. EEEKS! Then get up and go to work friday.

Hes doing well with the job and Im very proud of him. 🙂 Hes no longer a temp and is now being given new responsibilities.

Well gonna scoot for now! Later