Get a Lil Sad
Dear Diary,
I get a lil sad at times. Sad about the Ex.
Im glad Im not with him, cause its better for my health.
But Im still sad.
Im sad hes so lost. 🙁 and he doesnt see it.
Im sad that we cant talk as adults for the sake of the children and that he would just put all our stuff aside. But then again if he could do that we wouldnt be apart in the first place.
Im sad that I have to doubt his motives, that each time I think warmly of him or want to believe something good. He does something mean to show differently.
He played me “Forgiveness” by Don Henley around the holidays when he came out. Told me that song was for me, “Even if you dont love me anymore” the song says, Yet the very song he sat me down to listen to, he doesnt live by.
I spent my teenage years and what I know of my adult life with him. And yes despite the yucky stuff there were good things too. Now they werent enough to keep it together.
Its just so hard to see, to know that I spent so much of my life with him, to see how Ive changed, and how he looks so foreign to me, a person I just cannot live with any longer, yet I lived with him this way for so long.
Ok tonight Im grieving. I havent done any in months. ::::eyes pouring with tears::::
I had told the boyfriend earlier today that I think right now everything is calming down in my life. I cant always be strong. Sometime I have to just crumble and fall apart, and cry, and get angry. I am tired of being strong. I want to just fall apart and be held. I dont wanna think about fixing everything and making something outta myself. I just wanna be hugged and cry.
You know its so sad. Everytime I exposed my true inner self or my fears or hurts to my Ex, he later used them against me. I often attempted this last year to call and just TALK about things, my heart was in one place, and he was just a jerk and accusatory and questioning my intent. When all along I should have been seeing what his was.
I Sad God.
Why do people have to become so cold? So selfish, so unthinking of their children and people in their lives?
I said to my counselor ” Its getting really hard for me when he gives them dates for a visit or a gift to arrive in the mail and it doesnt show up or his plans get changed. I wish he would stop telling them a date, because I watch them countdown on the calendar. I watch them run to mailbox for a week and a half straight to find nothing and see their little hearts let down each day and them thinking its the mailmans fault that Daddys package hasnt arrived yet.”
She said to me “There is nothing you can do. You have to let them go thru it, they have to see how he truly is and that he doesnt mean his word. They need to know this for themselves”
Why do people have to be so fucked up to even do that to their own child in the first place. Why does a child have to learn to accept a Parent is messed up. I know its the way life is, but its not the way it should be for them.