Guy buddies

Dear Diary,

Evening. I dont write as much lately. Just dont feel like I have as much to say right now. Which isnt really a Bad thing. I think Ive relaxed, Ever since my “lightbulb” moment over discovering I panic over things and amplify them, Im more aware now and so far havent been as bad.

Im not freaking over everything, not to say I dont have thoughts, but I dont let them take over, consume me. I start to talk myself down, remind myself things are not THAT bad.

Mr Comedy called me twice last night. One time right before I was going to my college class( I didnt answer) And then at 11pm last night. I get annoyed when people repeated call after theyve left a message. He called me again tonight while I was picking up the kids at school. His message sounded nice at first. Saying hello, saying he went to some radio show interview. I messaged him and said Hi this AM online but he never answered, so he said he saw the message on my voice mail message. Then he ends his message with “Well uh,,, call me, so we can actually talk, you seem to not want to talk lately, ummm yeah” and in this guilt trip tone. It just reminds me of something women do. Or that sounds so high school, and its not the first time hes done it. I dont feel like talking on the phone is all. Back off.

I dunno if Im gonna end up cutting off contact with him again, he keeps repeating this behavior, and Ive already had a talk with him to chill out. Its such a total turnoff, I dont even want to talk to him now. The thought of him is just annoying, and that last night I saw him, he smelled. LOL Im sorry but it was foul, and I couldnt stand it. It grossed me out.

Music dude and I talked some more today, yesterday we talked a good long time, had a great talk, hes having a rough time, panic attacks have returned, and he had some on his weekend ski trip with his girlfriend and he said he lost it at dinner and started crying. And she told him something like how she dreamed of being with a guy who is Strong. And he just felt really hurt by her comment. Like as a man hes weak. I told him he is not, hes up front with this, hes on medication and has seen a dr for this. So we spoke about him giving her website info on panic disorders and see what she says and take it from there. He said today he feels shes gonna bail on him.

He was doing so good before they started dating. Hes stopped his counseling, hes not working on his music like he was, hes hating his job. He just sounds bad. And hes told me hes depressed right now. Seems we have both been through these cycles ever since we met online. He took one break up really hard and we talked a lot.

I really like him, I would love to spend more time with him, even in a friend sense, but I think he also is the same type of personality who doesnt want to be alone, and he sees sex as very important ( which I do too) But I havent seen him in person ever since I said “Nothing is gonna happen” that night I was over there and went home. Not to say he doesnt care about me and value me as a friend, but he seems to not do well with being “Friends” in person. He constantly is seeking sexual closeness also. So for now we remain online buddies.

Well thats it for now!

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