Day with Boyfriend

Dear Diary,

Ive been wanting to write lately, I even sat down to last night, but then boyfriend signed online and I ditched the thought I was about to write and we spoke.

Its been a different week for me. Ive pulled back on him. I still love him, but I am unsure where we will go as a future if anywhere. After talking with someone in great detail about boyfriends responses, they said it appears he is afraid to commit to me, and is afraid to be alone with me one on one, eye to eye, outside the comfort zone of his or my home. I noted all the excuses Ive been given for things, and how a new one comes a long, but its seems ultimately they are a smoke screen for a deeper issue. I said to my friend “I mean what man doesnt want to go away with his woman for a romantic weekend for 2 days, even if she offers to pay for it all and they have been dating for over a year?” She responded “A man who is afraid to be alone and for you to be able to see who he truly is” Since he is just fine with daily phone calls, talks online and emails. So much more was discussed, but it gave me so much to think about. I tried to ask boyfriend about meeting up once a week for dinner, 2 hrs or so, and we set a day as OUR day to connect in person. And he couldnt even commit to doing that with me.

So with me pulling back this week, he wrote me emails each day with more personalized sweet comments thrown in about how much I mean to him, how maybe he doesnt show it too much. About what a cool girlfriend he has. Then he invited me to his friends birthday party. So today I had a sitter for the day and went to the party. It was just a relaxing kick back day of eating and talking. A few times he eluded to wanting to go home and sleep with me. He never outright said it, but it was on his mind. And I basically just let it blow by me. I seem to always go weak, I enjoy sleeping with him, but at the same time, I need to really try and watch what is going on, if Im meeting all these areas he wants and says he is content with, but not be given the same in return, what kind of relationship is that? Why give someone all that I have to give who cant be fully there for me?

It was nice though at the party, having his arms around me leaning up against him, kissing with others around, serving him food(yes I found some odd enjoyment in feel domestic towards him, I wasnt like that with my Ex) At one point we went and held one another in his buddys room on his bed, just giggled and talked. I really did enjoy being in a public setting, and being introduced as his girlfriend. It was a good day with him, we went back to his place with about 30 min to spare before I had to head out, and no sex happened. 🙂 Instead we laid down together and held eachother tight and spoke a little and laid in relaxing silence. Then he told me how good I looked today, how he just wanted to attack me when he saw me. Hes very non aggressive and doesnt behave that way, so I didnt take that in a bad way. Its nice to hear that one finds you attractive and desirable. I am so used to my Ex being so overly commenting on me, the kind to say WOW, upon sight of seeing me. And boyfriend who doesnt say anything about how i look until after a day has ended, its quite different, and yes in a way I miss the compliments when you see one another, like Wow you look great.

Well at least I know I looked damn good! I even got a compliment today from the Jeep Service guys, I see them all the time so one asked how i was and how my kids were, the other said “Hey Victoria, you headed off somewhere, you look nice?” So Ill take that as my early compliment for the day. 🙂 Yes I like attention.

This was the second time using my new babysitter, the kids love her, and her husband came over tonight with her, they took the kids to Dennys, and my kids just love her hubby. They cling to him, and its really cool yet saddening at the same time, they dont have a man in their life, so the greatly adore her husband. He has shown them more time then any guy for a year. And he does the simple special things with him, he is from my church group, so they have seen him on many other occassions and a long time friend of my Ex and I. So it warmed my heart to watch them, they hugged him as he left and kept asking me this AM if he was gonna come over with the sitter also. 🙂

Boyfriend said a comment before I left. He wanted me to call and see if the sitter would stay longer, I said no, I had to get home. So I guess he was hoping Id stay. But I didnt. So he said “Ahh damn time constraints” I said in response “Well hun, it doesnt have to stay this way” He said “Hmmm what do you mean?” I said “You think about it”….. He asked again so I said…

“Well the thing that restrains our time is my children and your not being around them, so I have to limit my time with you, if that wasnt an issue then it wouldnt matter, I wouldnt have to hide or rush home or any of that.”

He responded “I know, it wont stay that way”

I guess I doubt his response. Im giving him some time right now I guess? To see if he Steps up to the line with this relationship or stays how its been, I definately am changing. Im not giving my all anymore. I cant, to someone who isnt fully there. I have so much to give someone and not to someone who is selective with how they spend time with me.

I checked my email and was excited to see 2 emails from boyfriend, at first I found the story really cool and touching, and was thinking “Wow, hes really opening up his heart” and then I guess I felt a little disheartened with the ending of the story. Its so totally his way of viewing life, I guess I keep looking for the pot of gold at the end?

Here is what he sent. Sure its funny and cute, but its very telling of his thought process.

“One day a farmer’s donkey [Bob] fell down into a well. The animal cried

piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally

he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway,

it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his

neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was

happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted

down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well

and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and

take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top

of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,

everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and

trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The

trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest

wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step

up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

P.S.: The donkey later came back and kicked THE SHIT out of the bastard

that tried burying him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you”