My Sisters Hurting

Dear Diary,

Just got off the phone with my middle sister. Came home from counseling and getting the kids to another message from her. She called me last night also. So I thought, wow 2 days in a row. This isnt the norm. She is dealing with a lot of issues regarding our mother, a lot of wounds and all. She went into a depression not long ago but had no idea why, and went on medication then started with a therapist. Now she is chipping away at what has been up and its been alot of what happened to her with our mother. My sister and I are a lot softer and the worriers of the family, My other sister and brother have a more tough cold approach to life.

So she and I have been sharing a lot of stories back and forth. She has commented on how our parents treated each one of us kids differently, so none of us can exactly share the same story. Its weird.

She said she is very sad today. She is going through a lot of things in her head. She wasnt sure if they were real or not. And she said the last conversation she had with me I totally validated something she had been dealing with that it was real. Basically my sister said she has voices in her head, and its regarding her children, she said its “Not nice” it isnt things she says to her kids or the way she responds but she has been troubled by it, and now she has figured out what she is hearing is our Mom. And what she used to witness. But she just now connected it.

She said her kids were sick last week, along with her, and it had something to do with throwing up. The voices. Getting angry. But her kid is sick? You dont get mad at a child for being sick?

I then told her a story about when I was little and asleep one night and sick. I threw up during the night over the side of my bed. I was so tired and sick and couldnt get to the bathroom, so i threw up on the floor and went back to sleep. I then remember being awaken by my mom who was VERY ANGRY. She yelled at me and made me get up, I was sick already, little and it was the middle of the night. I was bad, I should have gone and thrown up in the bathroom, it was my fault. I sat on the couch in the living room as she ranted and yelled at me. She then scrubbed the carpet.

My sister said “I think I was home when that happened, I think I heard it all”

Then she told me a story today. I was aware I drank perfume as a kid, but that was all. Well my sister told me the story. My parents own apartments and often times people leave things behind that we would keep. Well someone left some perfume, my mom in turn gave it to my sister. I dont remember any of this, she guessed that I couldnt have been older then 3. Which would have made my sister 12 at the time. I got in her room and found a bottle of the perfume on the dresser and drank it. Well my mother threw a fit, yelled at my sister, saying it was her fault, and that they were going to have to go and get some Ipecac(spelling?) for me to throw up. She told my sister she would be going to the doctor with her, because it was her fault. She said that my mother yelled at her the whole way blaming her. Then my sister had to watch me throw it up. My Mom made her watch. It was actually very sad to hear her tell this story. I feel so bad, I said “You know it wasnt your fault dont you?” She said yes, but then part of her thought it was.

Basically my sister was put in a weird place in the family. My Dad was drinking, so mom was angry and hated Dad. My brother was beat by my father, my oldest sister was rebelling and considered miserable by my father. And my mother constantly told my middle sister “Stay away from them, dont be like them” so she was on all sides watching. On one hand our other siblings were angry at my parents for the way they treated them, and wanting her to be angry. But my sister was sort of moms emotional support, and also her place to shift blame onto her so she didnt have to face it herself. No wonder she worries about everything, as a little girl she had all this dumped on her.

She was choking up some, she said “Yet the whole time I said “Mom must really be hurting, thats why she acts like this” And so she is dealing with the ugly parts of mom, and still wants something good with her, and the other part doesnt know how to face her. She said “I was never allowed to be a child”

Before talking to sis, I went to counseling. My counselor said she was so proud of me. The things Im doing, that I speak up, Im trying new things but also speaking my thoughts on them. I feel often times Im not making progress but she keeps showing me what I am doing, its really encouraging. 🙂

Well thats all for now