Working Thru Triggers
Dear Diary,
Morning. Im am better today, not feel so great physically, thinking im coming down with something as I have that tired body feel and my throat was scratchy. So I gargled with salt water, and pulled out the Echinacea.
So I ended up calling Cute Gym Guy last night.
In some ways, it was good that I called. A good reminder to me of how he is. But also a reminder to me of why I find him so intriguing, and TROUBLE.
When we talk on the phone its strange, hes usually doing the talking and rambling on about whats on tv, or his work out routine, or his new cell phone, etc etc. Then he will say “Im boring you huh? You have to talk” and Im typically so gabby and chatty myself, but with him its difficult, when i start to share my feelings and thoughts, he interrupts and disagrees with what I think or feel, tells me its something else. And that bothers me, he sees things very black and white, I dont.
So he says “I still miss you at times” I said “I miss you too” Hes all “Well you can come by sometime and checkout my place” and he told me all hes done to it, the repaiting, the new tile, got rid of some furniture, and all. I said “Yeah maybe sometime I will” Then he said “Im bad” Im all “huh?” He said “I miss you, I want to snuggle” I said I missed giving him a hug. He said “Can I have a raincheck?” I said sure, at the gym of course.
He was going on about how I could use a nice massage, and describing where and what he would do, dammit, he was good at that and I do admit to missing that so bad. I know we were both trailing the line of the idea of him coming over, but i said “I cant, it wont stop there, I know you, I know how you are” and he laughed and said “But Vicky, I miss tasting you”
God dammit!
I said “I cant” Hes all “I wont tell nobody”
Dammit,
He kept talking about how he would massage me, I was saying stop and he was ignoring me. I finally said “HEY, seriously, STOP” and he did. I went shortly after that.
He had said during our talk “I cant stop thinking about you, I guess we are both cursed huh?” the way we think about one another.
I laughed.
But at the same time, it was all coming back to sexual and I was telling him it wasnt what I missed about him, and does he think thats all I wanted him for? Hes very sexually focused.
He said “I was surprised to see you at the gym yesterday, you said to me you werent coming” I told him class got out early. He said “I saw you watching me as I was leaving” and he smirks, I said “Yeah so? I usually look at you if you are walking by”
Oh hes such a brat.
Well anyways, I was back online last night, B came online, and I told him I was kinda feeling bleh. Didnt want to mention the Gym Guy stuff. But I told him about how Im struggling with normalcy.
We ended up talking on the phone and I was bawling. I told him about this past weekend, the feelings I experienced, not knowing how to be around B on a continual day to day basis. How monday I felt like running off to my Moms, like the minute I got out of the house to get dinner for all of us by myself I felt like I was suffocating until I left, then I felt free and like escaping.
So we talked a lot, I know its nothing about B, Im aware of that, and so hes all “Vicky, you focus to much on WHY am I reacting this way, you need to stop and look at WHAT, what is going on? When you start to feel that way, the why is irrelevant then, you need to take it in its context”
So we went over it, How I woke up early in the AM and am afraid to get out of bed, because my ex would get bothered if I didnt stay in bed or go to bed when he did. So instead I lay there. I told him about how I felt guilty if I was working on stuff in my office, if he came in the doorway Id feel bad and like he wanted me off. I have just been totally reliving the way I responded to my ex. Yet B doesnt act like my ex. So why do I apply this to him?
B said to me “Vicky, in the past 3 yrs of us dating, in the last 2 mos you have probably seen me more then you ever have, is it a wonder you might have a reaction? We are getting closer and there is more intimacy and its totally normal for you to feel uncomfortable, Heck dont you think I have moments too? Days where I want to walk and say forget it, Im done? We are both prime candidates for living in dysfunction, its like an old comfortable blanket we both know all to well”
He then said “Vicky, its okay if you get up in the morning and leave me to sleep, Vicky its okay if you want to go and do your own thing, If I miss you or want your attn, Ill come and tell you so, but that is the last type of thing you will see me pitching a fit over, as long as you arent sleeping with another guy or sucking some guys dick in the office, Im good okay?” I laughed.
It was a good talk all in all. I just hate my baggage, I hate the triggers, I hate feeling them, and I have these internal debates telling myself, “Vicky, B doesnt treat you this way” but its all I know, its all I lived for 12 yrs, and the way B and I were in dating, I never had him in day to day life basis, so its actually new territory for us.
We both got our vacation hours approved. So next we will have to buy our plane tickets. We plan to spend 5 days in Nashville in March.
We will be staying with a high school pal/brother( they literally call eachother brothers and are that close) Anyways, with this guy, his wife and kids. B used to live with them for a year in around 1998 or so. They are a Christian family, I hear about them often, and B is saying how weird as he hasnt seen any of their children yet.
I admit to being nervous. Funny huh? I used to dream of B and I doing stuff like this, and now Im more scared, scared to commit to trip with him. Scared of the unknown and what it will be like with us being away from home and with these other people.
It will be okay, yes, yes, it will.